sex work and agency: thoughts/rant

Calico, over at Dominatrix Next Door, had a post that made me think.

Calico's situation is somewhat different from mine- she doesn't work as an independent, for example, and she says, "I’m not selling my body to change the world. I’m here to make a living and get you off." Which is admirable in itself. Me, I like to think I'm changing the world a bit, but then, that's cause that's partially what gets ME off, so thereyago.

Anyway.

The whole "if you were with me, you wouldn't have to _fill in the blank_" thing, with the blank usually being "do sexual things for money" or "fuck other people".

It's wrong to me on so many levels.

People ask me why I do this sort of work. Usually, I'll be honest- it's one of the best paying jobs a woman without a formal education can get, and it's certainly the best paying job a woman without a legal right to work can get. Also, while I enjoy doing recreational drugs in my free time, I don't feel like I know enough to grow/make and then sell them, and I certainly don't feel ok selling stuff when I don't know what the quality is. With sex work, I feel like I am versed in the risks and can tell you, and we can meet as equally informed adults; with drugs, I feel less confident, less informed. So, sex work it is.

When I got spanked for money, men would look at me with tragic eyes like I wasn't being taken care of properly, having to come to a den of sin to have my ass whipped for cash, poor ickle me! Yeah, I'm crying all the way to the bank. Seriously. I get spanked for as long as I'm willing to be, and meanwhile, you're paying to get to touch my luscious ass. It's not exactly hard on me. I guess I also have the advantage of being a streetwise big girl- I don't really worry about you not respecting my safeword, because I know I can kick your ass. I'm like a wildcat you've tempted with a juicy steak- I'll stay sweet as long as you're feeding me blood, but once it's gone, any sudden movements and don't expect to have all your bits. (Hah! And I thought I was submissive.)

Or when I did erotic massage. Men acted like why would I touch them if it wasn't for the money. I haven't had a client that made me recoil in horror. If I did, you can keep the money, cause I won't do something that grosses me out. See? Agency, I has it. :) The clients I choose are clean, respectable, respectful men who I enjoy spending time with. These are men who are likely to be able to get partners elsewhere, and are often too busy to meet women. I get that- hell, I have loads of time and I still find it hard to get laid with girls. I give them erotic massages because it's enjoyable for me, they love it, and I get money to pad out my savings. It's great for everyone.

It's different now that I'm mostly doing Domme work. It's hard for a client to say "you wouldn't have to do this" when he's tied and gagged. Still, men look at me worried, like "are you really enjoying this?" I wonder if they'd rather I say no, which means that I'm fulfilling a service but I don't really get wet from it, or yes- which means I really really LIKE making them cry and scream, and therefore am likely to be some sort of sadistic monsterette. I try to tell them that while I'm happy to play with their turn ons, they send me a checklist so I can work out what *I* want to do- I'm not following their scripts. I'll wear the costume, and I'll do some of the key things, but I'm also going to pinch your nipples because I feel like doing it... as long as it's not a hard limit. Whether that gets your cock hard or not, not so important. If you want a Domme, you get one, not an escort with some kinky outfits.
"If you were with me, you wouldn't have to..."

Thing is, guys? I don't HAVE to do it now. I'm here because I want to be. I'm one of those lucky girls who has a place to sleep and food to eat regardless if I take you on or not. If I decide to give you an erotic massage, it's because I chose you. If I decide to shove my foot in your mouth, it's because I picked you out of a small crowd. You, my dears, are the chosen few.

And if, in your ideal world, all these women were "properly taken care of" by men like you, then where would you be? At home with your vanilla life, wishing someone would fall back into the pit of depravity so you'd have someone to pay.

It's like this- you know those jobs where people get paid to play video games all day, and you grumble about how cushy that job must be? Well, I suck at video games, but I'm great at sex. I get paid to play with sex all day. It's awesome.

I'm not the kind of person who is easily pushed around. Believe me, the day that I can't do something because my partner won't "let" me is the day I sit him down and we have a good long talk about the fact that while I will respect boundaries, I also need to be able to do what I want and need to do.

I won't ask you to give me my agency. I'm telling you- it's mine, and you can't have it.