intimacy

Calico, as usual, says things that not only turn me on immensely but also speak to me and inspire me to say more... this time, it was her post on deepthroating:

"I love challenging sex, like deepthroating and facefucking, because my partner and I need to be incredibly tuned in to each other’s bodies. Often we can read the other better than ourselves. I don’t realize I’m on the edge of gagging until he lifts his hips, feeling me tense, and I grab a needed breath. And when I realize from the trembling in his thighs that he is going to come, I can swallow him deeper for that one last thrust.

When I welcome a cock into my throat, it’s because I can’t get him close enough. Sometimes when we’re fucking and he’s inched into my cunt, pushing as far as he can go, I can press down on my abdomen and feel the shape of him. That’s a close second. He’s incorporated, a part rather than a visitor, like a new and necessary bone graft.

The vocabulary breaks down — it’s not enough to fuck. I want to subsume him."

Intimacy. Communicating so well you don't have to speak, it's all said in the eyes, the way you rise to a lover's fingertips or pull ever so slightly away. Moving, even for a little while, as one being. It sounds like hippie shit, but when you've been there, you know exactly what I mean. The feeling of just fitting, or things just being right.

I've been accused on more than one occasion, by more than one lover, of finding my intimacy within sex, depending on physical touch for my emotional connection. I've protested, said I find it other places too, etc, but... yeah. It's true. I think because, in sex, there's a purity to body language, and either you *know* each other or you don't. You don't *have* to have that unspoken bond to have great sex, mind... but man oh man, when you are so lucky as to just KNOW he'll let you breathe right before you safeword, if you can just... give... it... one... more... minute... it's ever more intense for me.

This intimacy isn't about the deepthroating or the fucking, though. It can be all sorts of moments- breathplay, tight bondage, an edgy roleplay or, as I discovered, even the strangely tender act of having your urine wiped from your labia for you so you don't have to be untied to pee... it's those moments where unspoken touch says endless volumes. And I don't know, I trust the language of the body more than anything said aloud. "Actions speak louder than words", indeed.

When I was reading "Watching the English", Kate Fox mentions that, in the act of sex, British people can let go for a while of their constraint- for a little while they are free to truly be themselves, outside of the social rules and norms or class and flirting rules and whatnot. Maybe that's why I clung to it as a way to reconnect, though that's certainly not exclusive to the Brits- makeup sex has a long tradition after all. I feel like, in the act of sex or play, I truly SEE the other person, they're vulnerable and raw and naked in a way that has nothing to do with their clothes. And I trust and respect that raw, unpeeled nugget on the inside of a person more than the armored outsides.

Maybe they feel frustrated because they feel how could I get that intimacy from them when they hadn't said anything. They don't have to, though- I can sense it in the way their fingertips graze my skin, the way our eyes meet and hold, the pressure of lips against lips. It's why I'm good at my job, though the sparks tend to go one way- I can read them, but keep myself collected and cool. But with a partner, there's an electricity that connects us in those moments that's next to impossible to replicate elsewhere.

Maybe that's why when I find a lover I communicate in that way with, someone who dances intimacy the way I do, it's so, so hard to let them go. It's a rare thing to find.

getting back into the game

Hello, I'm Kitty. It's been 3 weeks since my last session.

But I finally had one, last Friday.

I had been unsure, going into it- even driving in the car, I kept feeling like maybe I should turn back, maybe I wasn't ready. I've spent the last few weeks here celibate, and not doing much more than snuggle or kiss- even my dates have been cautiously planned to be public affairs that will prevent too much physical intimacy, in case I faltered. I wasn't sure if the first kinky thing I did here should be a session, but I was also not going to turn away the only work I've had here since I got back. On the road, having decided to go, I made the mistake of listening to the mix cds I made to help me process and let go of TB, something I'm still in the midst of struggling with and something that gets only a little easier each day. Never mind this was pre-Valentine's Day, and the various pangs related to all that!

By the time I pulled up, I was awhirl with emotions. I swallowed my worries and grabbed my bag, headed into the hotel with my client.

And it was fantastic.

I was really glad to have gone, actually. It wasn't a complicated scene, by any means, but it was just the sort of teasing playful fun I apparently needed. I left the room feeling chipper, not to mention having enough money to pay for therapy, which I had decided that afternoon was high on my list of presents to myself. He was a peach, and really fun to bounce off of. I found myself looking forward to seeing him again- and as he was from the UK, we talked about possibly hooking up there, as well.

In a way, it underlined how much I really enjoyed the play I was getting in the UK, and the play I wanted to do when I got back. There's some pain wrapped up in that, as I'm always uncertain how things will be when I go away and come back. But I regained my confidence, as a Top, as a sexual being, as a femme and as an independent person. I woke up the next day feeling like myself again. And it was the first time I woke up to a dry pillow and no dreams.

This healing process is hard shit. But as I spend time reflecting and rejuvenating, I have to say, I feel more and more solid about who I am, and can separate where I fucked up and where I didn't. I feel like I have the courage to hurt, but also to heal. And it reminded me that I was still the powerful, fun, sexy woman my clients and play partners enjoy... which is ultimately the best Valentine's Day present anyone can receive.

So, a shout out, though I doubt he even knows this blog exists- thank you, Friday 13th. You gave me a service I needed without either of us even realizing. I'm grateful.

beauty in the breakdown

It's been a while since I've blogged consistently here. It's been a period of change, hardcore- personal development on speed, mostly, relationship processing and reprocessing, acclimating to the Bay Area and the ridiculousness to be had here... and really internalizing that while communicating and doing hard work on yourself is important, it's also important to let go and have fun, because therein lies change and development too. Like this sock puppet party- photo courtesy Matt G.


It's interesting to be back when most of my friends are coupled up, living together, getting married, having kids. As far as relationships are concerned here, I'm pretty single, which is actually a kinda nice place to be. There's no one I can assume I'll be seeing on Valentine's Day, no one I'll see every weekend- it's all open, for me to go out or stay in as I see fit. Lots of personal time. People will be shocked to know I've been sticking to my guns and being celibate for the last two weeks- yup, it CAN happen! And I'm enjoying snuggles and hugs more because of the lack of expectation.

I'm excited for my return to the UK- I want to go back to work, and I miss my friends and play partners back there. Setting up plans to be with my fiance, making plans for some fun playful scenes with the chickadee, and I'm planning to set up a party with T that will challenge the British "stiff upper lip" bullshit, we'll see how that goes. It's all radio silence with TB for the time being, but hey, there's plenty more fish in the sea if we run out of men. Either it'll sort itself or it won't. And I mean, I miss my clients, I miss doing what I love. i miss being somewhat respected. Here... well... it's just not the same. The work is crap. The clients are dicks.

Oh, England. I'm coming back. I miss you. SF is cool, but... we're just not meant to be, y'know?

serotoned in California

I don't know if I wrote about this, but I got a tattoo before I left London. Nepetalactone, the active ingredient in catnip.

Well, tomorrow I get serotonin and ether on myself. The main one, for me, is serotonin, a chemical I have struggled with for a long, long time. My relationship with serotonin is difficult at best. In fact, I avoided MDMA for a long time because I was afraid my serotonin would be depleted to the point I would be a mess. 

I felt somewhat relieved when Bitchy Jones wrote some blog entries about her own situation that felt very much like they provide insight into where I was at-

"Because, love, love with it’s big soft duvet-like cocktail (and if you’ve you’re your back reading you’ll know that the cocktails I like are more like trifles) of (a) sex and (b) guaranteed attention is so perfect for me, so seductive, such a delightful exhilarating bear trap. I want love. I want *that* trigger for my serotonin. But it’s the most dangerous trigger of all because it is all about putting it in the hands of someone else.

I can get needy, then. But at least I know just why.

A person grows tolerant of serotonin very fast. That once delicious perfect fix just from being around the other person soon becomes a dirty aching emotional need. The button the other person (usually unwillingly or unknowingly) pushes isn’t about making the love drugged feel good anymore so much as not making them feel bad. So soon the drugs don’t work. Once the drug was for a happy buzz, but flip and its just for switching off the bleak emptiness of life without the drug."

Oh my god yes. I read this and though, "jesus, when I take MDMA I take care of myself, and don't take it again til my serotonin levels are back up naturally- why don't I do that for relationships?"

That's where I'm at, now. I'm still struggling to find that trigger in other things, though craft projects and driving has certainly helped. I've decided to avoid seeking that fix in other people, so I've been trying to avoid sexual situations- I've been clear about wanting snuggles but not so much sexyfuntimes. I think this has been helping me focus on what it is I need and what I want, but I wonder if on some level it's satisfying as punishment for what I've started to consider my "sins". 

Personally, I love intensely and easily. I imagine that's why I connect well with clients- I work with people I can find affection for, and I do. Which is why when they're jackasses it affects me more than usual, I'm sure. And I think that is scary for people. Not just in the UK, though I think it's emphasized there- one of my dear friends in California struggled a lot with the feelings of intense connection we shared, and it being challenged when I left. We still haven't really mended the rift, which saddens me. I guess I would rather feel intensely than stifle it for fear of being hurt- I've been hurt, and it's not so bad, really. 

Anyway, serotonin. When I did try MDMA, I felt that what it really did was make me more the way I was normally- empathetic, connecting with people, loving and touching and emotionally with people. But... I don't need a drug to do that. I do all that on my own. And actually, this is a pretty new thing, that level of touchy-feely-ness. I used to be pretty closed off, not into that kind of affection and such. I'm not sure what changed. Good sex? Good guy? Maybe it was just the right time, right place, right people, and I was able to blossom, but there it is. Somehow I allowed myself to be open. 

I decided I wanted a tat in California, as a way to bridge the distance. And serotonin seemed like the perfect choice- the pleasure receptor, modulating emotions- but too much and it'll kill you. To remind myself that before hedonism comes responsibility, and that pleasure is made truly pleasurable by not having it all the time. 

Ether, well, I just like its history. :)