duststorms

Well, before anything else, let me introduce...

squidkittenbaconparty!

My new etsy shop with the silly hats and maybe (post BM) other random clothes and crafts I'm sewing up. Yay! I'm even hearted by three people. Granted, one of them has to love me. :)

As anyone within a mile of me knows, I'm getting ready to leave for That Thing in the Desert. I can't wait to flavour trip, get a seaweed spa mask, make some horns, adopt some art, and have a drink at the mead bar.

But what you might not know is that I am forever grateful to a Burning Man camp called the Bureau for Erotic Discourse (or, B.E.D.) for giving me the wherewithal to state my boundaries. I have a button from them I wear a lot- "negotiate sex", and it was that simple phrase that made me a better lover, and a better sex worker. You may've also heard me say "communication makes the best lube"- well, that was something they said, and another clever phrase that sticks in the mind. Both phrases are easy to remember, and playful enough to not offend if you have to step back and say, "whoa there, cowboy, ask first, yeah?" I like that.

Burning Man is one place where it feels, for a short week, that I don't have to worry about people judging my work, or judging me because I enjoy my work. Everyone gets to be crazy and countercultural and creative and interesting. No one needs to delve deeper, unless you both have the focus and desire to. I mean, I feel sometimes like I have to talk endlessly about my work, and be super careful about what I say, because I become the face of Sex Workers to that person, and I don't want to be misunderstood. At Burning Man, I can let go, and just be me, not a representation of a whole group.

And it's a relief. I can't wait.

letting go

I have a confession to make.

I let Hysteria walk.

She was gorgeous, and young, and interested in things that are just *wrong* and I thought somehow we could make that all work out. Even without affection. Without kissing. Without emotional exchange.

It wasn't enough.

I know it was the right thing to do. She was furious with me for not posting about it at the time, now only 3 months ago. I didn't know what to say about it. She thought I was being selfish and putting other lovers before her, and she was right. I didn't get what I needed from her so I just quietly pulled away. It was the easy thing to do, but not the right one, and just reminded her or every other Dom she's played with who abandoned her. I didn't know how to say that her emotional void threatened to suck me in, to devour me, and I didn't know if I would be able to crawl back out.

She never wanted to be my girlfriend, or even mine, but she was jealous of the others, of the time I spent with them. It was another relationship where talking about other lovers stirred up trouble, a rule I've never been good at and have hopefully now learned not to agree to. I remember she was upset that I cared about her less because she didn't have a penis. I'd like to say that isn't true, but our girl-on-girl chemistry was janky and weird, it didn't slide smoothly. Square peg, round hole. So I gave up, and when she stormed off, I let her go, and didn't bother trying to get her back.

It feels like an old wound, though. And I've healed, though I carry the scars (literally, actually- she clawed me once and I have little half moons on my arm now, but never mind). I didn't love her, not in a deep way anyway, but I cared and still care about her wellbeing. She demanded more than I was willing to give, or even interested in giving to someone who couldn't reflect back. And sometimes, it felt like I broke through, and she'd smile, and express an interest in things- and then she'd close down again, like a venus flytrap, tight.

I miss our friendship and our flirting, for sure. Hysteria was someone I had high hopes for in terms of knowing for a long time. But at the same time, my situation with her is similar to my situation with long lost friend T- ultimately I don't regret my behaviour, and I will take care of myself first and express my needs, and I make no apologies for that. I hope she finds healing, someday. I also don't hold grudges, and I try hard to feel compassion and to let go of my hurt and fear- I no longer burn bridges if I can avoid it.

This comes to mind especially with Sh coming here, to San Francisco, next week. I'm nervous beyond belief that I won't be able to let go of my anger and hurt, that I think it's gone now and it'll come flooding back. I felt very strongly that he wounded me deeply, all those months ago, and I wounded him back. It's a true test of my integrity and courage if I can let go of that and open my arms to him... starting that trust again. And I'm gonna try. He's shown me trustworthiness so far. I just have to channel the Fool.

Because I don't want Sh to end up in my life like Hysteria or T, angry, resentful, always in the background of my mind but hopeless.

I let Hysteria go because I knew she didn't need me and I needed things she couldn't provide, and because I knew she'd be happier with more attention from a stricter Dom.

I hope she'll know, someday, that it was an act of love, not an act of dismissal.

hey you guys!

Ohai.

I'm not dead. Really. I've just been crazy busy getting ready for That Thing in the Desert, costuming, getting supplies, and having fucking great times in the meantime.

Like, you know how awesome it can be when you have a threesome with someone you've been kinda aching to play with? And you know how awesome it is when someone else you like playing with joins in with their hot partner? And then someone ELSE cute tags along for the ride? And there's giggling and moaning to mashups in the background?

What do you mean you haven't had that experience before?

Ok, ok, so I'm bragging a little. But ffs, I've been completely frigid the past couple months and am just starting to thaw, so this was a big deal, and as it went amazingly well, now I find myself cruising everywhere I go. So, yay for that.

I have some porn to review in the next few days, along with an upcoming post on "would sex work ever be eradicated... and should it?" And I'll babble about Burning Man, cause, well, I want to join the crowd.

I haven't worked once since I've been here. I haven't been trying terribly hard, granted, cause I've been not feeling it, and it's a cycle thing- you don't feel it, so you don't, and you don't get that spark from it, so you don't do it, etc. But I can feel my toppy side coming out of hibernation, and I've been thoroughly enjoying the face-slapping spanking fun with Mono, so hopefully soon I'll have some interesting tales.

Oh, also? My hair is now pink.