gnashing of teeth

First and foremost- you see this thing? Do you see it??

I want one. SO BADLY.

It's like a pretty little cocoon!

I want to play in it.

And I want to put a sexy young thing in it and have them writhe around for me... mmm.

Ahem.

Anyway.

I've been seeing little trinkets I want to decorate lovers in, little silver chains and jewels for their cocks and labia...

And, amusingly enough, I was just watching America's Funniest Home Videos with Grandma... and there's a video with a woman who takes her video camera and she won't let her husband into the house or car until he does a little dance for her... in public, at home, anytime. I love it. I don't know why exactly that juices me up, but it totally hit my kink buzzer. Probably because it's controlling but also ridiculous.

I am chomping at the bit to buy some new toys and play again. I miss work, and the variety of temptations and scenarios I got to come up with every week. I mean, I'm sort of glad I've had enough time off to miss it instead of being sick of it like I had been... but I'm ready for the kink celibacy to be over now plz!

It's not entirely true, this whining. Mono and I get to do a little slap and sexin' here and there. which is nice... I do wonder sometimes if there's something severely wrong with me that I get off the more my lover looks like he's pissed at me while we're fucking, but never mind. I had a chance to play with Vapors, a friend and possible new play partner, but... I dunno what blocked me. I guess it's also nice to hang out, and that's what I needed then.

But with Folsom coming up, I want to do something fun. Kinky. Public. I want to fist a girl on the sidewalk. Or whip a boy's back til he looks like Christ after the Romans. Except I don't think my whip would go that deep.

Rawr. RAWR! The Beast wants out! So watch out for me at Folsom... I might have a gleam in my eye.

fame- I wanna learn how to fly...

Out in London, I had a friend.

I don't honestly recall how I met her, but she was really neat. Intelligent, curious, fun to be around, go shopping with, get coffee with... just a really lovely girl.

She wanted to get into pro Domming again. She had done it before, but wanted to give it a go again in London. So I introduced her to some people, taught her some stuff, showed her the ropes, so to speak.

It wasn't long before she was getting way more bookings than I was... something I tried and still try not to be jealous of but am, terribly. She'd get contacted more often for media stuff, she'd get the bookings, if we did doubles the clients would always pick her again. And when we worked in the same place, slowly I saw her work bookings bypass mine, first by a little, then a lot...

There's a part of me that knows exactly why. For all that I love the work I do, she's excellent at showing her disgust for the submissives she sees. I'm not. I really care about my clients, and want to help them expand and explore the world of kink. I think she doesn't mind that, but she also tends to find the guys she sees kinda naff. Which, fair enough, you know? And guys totally seem to get off on being slapped by a woman who hates to touch them. Fucked up? Oh yes...

And the other thing is... she's slender. Slender girls do better in the sex trade. I don't do poorly, over there, but not as well as I might do had I been born into a family where a size 10 comes easily. I didn't. My family is on the zaftig side. And I don't normally care, but...

I hope I get a chance to really shine in this profession, even if I'm not a size 10. Because I have passion for this business, I really do. And I want to succeed. I want to please my clients and I want to continually up my game. I want my clients to leave me feeling better about themselves.

And I want to be successful enough to not feel envy grip my heart when I see her. I want to be able to be glad she's doing well instead of feeling competitive. And I still like her, though we barely talk anymore. I wonder, in a way, if introducing her into this business meant that I lost her as a friend...

I hope not.

oh for fuck's sake

I have a lot of patience. I've laughed when people have said I have the patience of a saint, but I will generally take a lot of bullshit in stride.

It's taken me a long time to move away from drama in my life. Like Syph said to me many months ago, "how complicated do you want your life to be?" I realized I didn't want it to be terribly complicated anymore, that I was tired of juggling vast emotional commitments and putting up with lackluster emotional attentiveness in return. The friends and lovers I have in my life now are people who gave of themselves as much as I offered of myself, people who have shown me they are willing to challenge themselves, grow, and take care of their emotional well-being.

And I refuse, absolutely refuse, to guess what people want or need from me.

I'm going to get a bit catty for a moment.

After my split with Hysteria, I hadn't posted about it in the interest of avoiding drama, in spite of her blogs saying how I was a terrible, selfish Top. Eventually, months later, I posted a blog about our breaking it off. I tried to be introspective, to acknowledge how I failed the relationship, and what hadn't worked for me- for example, I was trying to juggle multiple lovers with sex work, always a difficult prospect. I tried, even, multiple times to speak to her about it. But every time, she lashed out about how horrible I was, how I was abusive like every other Dom she had played with.

Well, in a moment of nolstagia, I thought I'd check on Hysteria, who was planning to move to London. She had gotten in touch with another friend of mine, and I though, "aw, wonder how she's doing?"

Her blog indicated she had read mine... and she was pissed off that I said something about her having this emotional void (ignoring, of course, everything else I said about my own failings, but never mind). In fact, she indicated that she regretted not gouging larger marks in my arms to prove her emotional... presence, I suppose, if not stability. I think the fact she scarred me *at all* would be something to be apologetic about, especially since it was during a scene SHE indicated she wanted.

Hysteria was my lesson in this: no matter how cute, and young, and seeming eager someone may be- self-awareness, confidence, and good communication skills are ENDLESSLY more important.

Considering I'm not 100% confident as a Domme anyway, this shook me up a little. I had to reflect- *am* I abusive as a Top? I didn't think so. But thankfully, TB was available to check in about it, and I was reassured. I'm not a bad Dominant. I'm learning, sure, and I've learned that it's better to have 2 lovers who are amazing than 5 who just meet my needs in snippets. And I don't have to justify or apologize to anyone for wanting to snuggle, and receive affection, whether I'm a Dominant or not. I'm a person, and I deserve that. And when needs are communicated to me, I get better and better at serving those needs effectively and lovingly. Strangely, I'm also very grateful, again, for the time with Sh... who showed me that it's possible to move beyond dark, unpleasant times to emerge into something positive and amazing.

So, Hysteria is, well, hysterical. I guess I should have seen that coming. I did what I could, I apologized, I gave her space- but I'm tired of being attacked indirectly and slandered in a community I'm not present to defend myself in. I remember being her age, not that long ago- I loved drama then, too. I hope it serves her well... but I'm glad to be old enough to move on.

/cattiness

mending fences

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself.

Sh was here- came to Burning Man, and spent some time in San Francisco, so we spent a fair bit of time together. In fact, I encouraged him not to read this blog til afterwards, since I had written some pretty raw stuff and didn't want us to just argue about who did what to whom. I was terrified, walking through the walkway to the arrivals lounge to meet him, totally unsure how I would react to being around him again.

Well, I still love him. And the intimacy, tempered by months apart and time to heal, is still there, at least for me. But where, before, my love for him was tainted with anxiety and fear of loss, now it's just deep, and sweet, and trusting. Does it matter that we're not dating anymore? Not really. I think as friends we've become closer than we had as lovers. It makes me regret that we had to do it in that order, but the nature in which we met and the issues we had to work out... it is what it is.

We had a marvelous time. Sh met my friends, met Mono, did shrooms with me on the playa, got his nipples pierced, wandered the Castro, checked out the leather shops, ate chicken and waffles, visited Mission Control... but the thing I really hold to, more than anything, is the snuggling and the talking. Spooning, facing the open desert, watching the people go by... I felt so safe, and loved, and comfortable. And I am so, so glad to have him back, and for us to be friends again.

Granted, I miss our play, I miss the perverted depths he would explore with me, and I'll happily keep the door open a crack, in case circumstances change enough that we have stability we'd need to push off. You never know. I've not had another play partner who is as willing to explore the dark... and who else would I bring out the Habitrail with...? But I also understand the current boundaries, and the reasoning, and I agree with them. So, in time, maybe.

Sh flew off yesterday, and I knew I'd miss him, but was ok. Then I had a session, and Sia was playing in the background, and the submissive put my foot in his mouth, and I was slammed back into that Soho bedroom, reading LOLcats in bed and eating bacon. And my heart wrenched.

But it's worth it. So worth it.

Sh was a client, way back when. One I kind of dreaded meeting due to his detailed email of what he wanted from a session. He became a fuck buddy, then a lover, then a bitter ex, and now... he's part of the pack. While I was hurting, I said that I regretted taking our relationship away from a professional one, that I didn't love him anymore, that I missed who he used to be but not who he turned into. I know what all that's about- when he broke it off with me, I felt rejected, burned, because I had trusted him deeply in ways I hadn't trusted anyone before, and he was leaving me. I reacted to that pain by striking out, being mean, putting up armor. But I do love him. And I don't regret letting him get close to me. I never saw him coming, but I couldn't imagine not having gone to that session and meeting him, now. He sculpted part of who I am, as a Domme, as a sex worker, and as a person.

And I'm grateful.

you probably know and care about a closeted sex worker.

Reading webcomics is something I often indulge in, as a geek. My favourites are xkcd, Sinfest, Wondermark, and a softer world, but I also read others. Some of them are in better taste than others, for sure.

But I was pretty annoyed when I came across ctrl+alt+del today. Cause, you know, dead women aren't funny, but dead prostitutes are! Hahahaha!

Why aren't you laughing?

Oh, is it possibly because the dead prostitute is, over and over again, used as a hilarious prop to the point of normalcy?

::sigh::

personal

After a couple of obviously confused emails from men "just seeing" if I wanted to play with them and their "girlfriend", I have a couple of nibbles on a recently posted Craigslist ad. Only one, however, who makes the effort to 1) show she read my ad by referring to it and 2) spell. We'll see what else slips through the cracks.

The whole idea of this personal ad was to have a recent casual encounter hookup story. What does a sex worker who likes casual play with cute crazy chicks write for a personal ad? Well, here it is:

"Fierce Femme iso Sensual Sleaze

Idle hands are the devil's playthings. So I'd like to put them to use, along with my tongue, my creativity, and my toybox. Up for it?

I'd love to meet someone 22-35, though I'm flexible. I appreciate and adore butches and femmes alike- I love to top, with bondage, S/m, and D/s high on my list of erotic enjoyments. Extra points if you like to get a bit edgy- dark whispered words with steel at your throat, or some cling film wrapped around you, leaving you in helpless cocoon... or, if the chemistry's right, maybe we can switcheroo..?

I'm an hourglass shaped girl with long pink/red hair, glasses, and a geeky brain. I have xkcd tattoos. I prefer women who have a geeky side to them, but it's certainly not a requirement. Be warned, though- I break pillow princesses.

My living situation means I can't host, unfortunately (I keep house for my grandmother). However, maybe that means we have to get creative- hot tubs, an alleyway, a bar bathroom? I'm up for it if you are.

I'll bring the gloves, the lube, and the rope. You bring clear communication... and a sense of adventure. "

What do you think? Would you answer it?

All things considered, I'm kinda hoping I end up with one or two hot dates out of this. It's been a while since I made someone cry, and, well. You begin to wonder if you lost your touch.

I'd better watch out for Julie Bindel, though! I mean, goodness, I might SPANK these women! I might even tie them up! Or *gasp! shock! horror!* USE A DILDO.

I'll be sleeping with one eye open, just in case. I guess as a "traitor to the side" I have to. It's a filthy job, but...

obviously I need a good woman to tell me what to do

So I came back from Burning Man (which I'll tell you all about in detail later) to find in my inbox an article written by the incredibly pompous Julie Bindel in G3 (a free UK lesbian mag) about how lesbian strippers are leading women to "act like men" and be abusive or some such bullshit. "Even lesbians who don't give a toss about feminism should at least care about women being abused by other women!" she cries in an inflammatory op ed piece. Included, of course, in her wrath is how San Francisco made things like lesbian sex workers, S/m, and porn acceptable. I can't help but think she hasn't come to San Francisco ever in her life.

I was infuriated enough to write a response. Haven't sent it in yet. What are your thoughts?

"I felt exploited.

I had to sit, and smile, and pass as pretty and feminine, with perfect makeup and an eager-to-serve demeanor. I had to laugh it off as my opinions were ignored in preference to my appearances. I had to keep my brain stashed away, because I wasn't there to be intelligent.

I was working as front of house for a marketing company, and I never felt more helpess and unhappy in my life.

So, I quit, and became a freelancer. I set up my own hours, gave myself the free time I needed when I needed it, decided how I wanted to save my money and what sort of workplace I wanted to be in. More to the point, I never bowed down to a (typically male) boss again.

I became a sex worker. A dominatrix, mostly, but an escort sometimes as well. And good god, I couldn't be happier. I've worked with shy, geeky men, bi-curious older women, and kinky couples wanting to learn some new skills. I've helped disabled people discover their sexuality, and sexual trauma survivors reclaim sensual touch. I have a lot of compassion for my clients, who either can't find the sex they're looking for because they're not sure how or who to ask for it, or because they want a one-time, low drama experience. And personally? As a queer girl, my experiences with casual encounters on gumtree has led to me preferring to pay for what I want too. Almost all of my clients have a guilt complex about coming to me to ask for what they want, and the recent article in G3 just further exposed why they come to me instead of talking to each other.

Julie Bindel's opinion piece about sex work (which also encompassed S/m and double ended dildos, curiously) irritated me. I'm 25. I'm really tired of other women telling me that I don't know what I enjoy and what's good for me. I'm an adult, making adult choices that I'm happy about, thanksverymuch. Never mind that she indicates that an interest in kink, phone sex, strap-ons and voyeurism is just thinly veiled abusive behaviour. More offensively, she interchangeably uses "abusive" and "masculine behaviour" like they're inexplicably one and the same. I can't be the first to point out that emotional abuse and maipulation is not an exclusively male world by any means.

I've lived in London and in San Francisco, and I can't help but think Julie Bindel must have never come here. Had she ever spoken to the girls at the Lusty Lady, the unionized peep show, or at Pink and White Productions or Cyberdyke, two of our local queer porn companies, and kept an open mind, perhaps she would actually hear what the women who work in these companies think and feel. I feel more patronized and exploited by her article than I ever have in my work as an escort and Dominatrix.

There are people who inform me that I'm exploited, that I sell my body and my self-esteem, that I'm abused. Well, sure, I don't always skip my way to work, and sometimes, I can't be bothered to smile and play nice. But two things- one? Sex work is still work, folks, and it has its ups and downs like any other job- just when you complain about working in a cubicle, people don't instantly start telling you to quit. Secondly, since I am in charge of my own schedule, if I have a bad feeling about a client or I don't want to go to work... I don't have to. And that's not because I earn crazy money per session, but rather because I've learned enough about finance to cushion those times when I need a break. Can you say the same?

If you want to address issues of exploitation, start by helping women, especially minority women, have better access to education, job training, childcare, and financial assistance. Many women go into sex work when they don't really want to because it's the only way they can support themselves and their families with little education and few resources. Other women work 2-3 jobs in order to scrape by. Situations like that breed resentment and exploitation, and are hotbeds for abuse. It's easy to point as sex workers and their clients and say "see, there! That's the problem!" but it isn't a source- it's a symptom of a deeper, more complicated issue. Never mind the fact that some of us queer sex workers actually quite enjoy our work- on our terms, with our boundaries respected, and our choices honored.

I doubt many people know this history, but there was a time in the mid 1800's where social justice was a big influence in the politics of the day. At that time, well-meaning activists insisted that women couldn't know or consent to their exploitation- women were strongly encouraged to leave the sex industry, one of the only ways women could independently support themselves with any success. Even Charles Dickens founded a home to help "fallen women" get "virtuous" jobs. Sound familiar?

The clash at the time between the Reform movement and the Repeal movement ended up birthing one of the greatest evils women lived with in the United Kingdom- Magdalene Asylums.

Julie Bindel, please don't speak for me. I'm capable of speaking up for myself."