high maintenance

I was reading the Queer Fat Femme's blog, and came across this:

"Backstage at Cupcake Cabaret, World Famous *BOB* told a story about how a (now former) beau had called her high maintenance.

'I called my drag mom and asked if she thought I was high maintenance. She said ‘Of course you are but you maintain yourself. You’re like a classic car, if someone is going to drive a 66 Caddy they will. If they want a Honda they should drive a Honda.'"

I thought this was basically brilliant. I don't know if I'm necessarily high maintenance, though I'm pretty sure I need regular service (not like that, you pervs). If you want quality you better expect to be offering up quality back- for the smooth ride of a BMW you're going to pay top dollar for the parts, after all.  Discussing this with a friend on FB, he said "you take effort- you make effort a pleasure". I think that's not too bad a thing, myself. But, though I am femme and take effort, I don't think that being femme = high maintenance. I think generally being human around other humans = maintenance, and the value judgment of "high" or "low" depends entirely on your tolerance levels. 

For example, I tend to prefer girls who are emotional, kind of dramatic, creative, slightly unstable... off-kilter, say. And by "prefer" I mean "almost exclusively date". But that, for me, isn't particularly high maintenance. People who are emotionally void/unavailable are higher maintenance, because I have to drag out of them how they feel and what their needs are all the time. And those women are femme and butch, and blends in between. Now, why, statistically, I balance that with men who are practically autistic, I don't know (though that trend is changing as I look at the men I have as friends in my life now- Syph, say, or Gout).

I'm going to say something crazy and suggest that people seem high maintenance if you don't accept them for how they are. If they make unreasonable demands often, are troublesome or difficult, very particular, have constant high (unrealistic) expectations, and are quick to reject someone if they can't maintain your standards (esp if unwilling to discuss or compromise), that's not high maintenance- it's just  self-centred. 

To maintain something is to care for it, to keep it in good working order- to sustain it. Isn't that something we all desire? And don't we want that offered to us at the highest quality possible? I certainly strive to maintain those I care about as well as I possibly can. 

What does high maintenance mean to you? What's the difference between high maintenance and melodramatic?

December 17th

Today is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers.

Today, a man in Utah was sentenced to jail time for raping a Utah college student. He was also accused of killing, not one, but three prostitutes... but the case was thrown out because a witness lacked credibility. In the US, it's hard for me not to feel bitter and wonder if it was that, or just that the women were prostitutes, and therefore not considered worth an in-depth investigation.

Meanwhile, an Indian sect is telling its members to marry prostitutes, supposedly ones who were forced into it, to help give them better lives. Many of these women have children, and many are HIV positive. But will the men they marry treat them well..? It's a bit of a concern, throwing off one set of shackles for another...

Copenhagen warned people coming to the climate change discussion not to frequent sex workers via postcards sent to each of the participants. The postcards read "Be sustainable: Don't buy sex". In a brilliant move, the sex workers offered free sex to anyone producing these postcards and flashing a badge for the conference. While I commend the response, I'm annoyed that Copenhagen, which is one of the few countries wherein sex work is legal, just not brothels, felt they had the right to take a political stance on a legal activity. Shame on you, Copenhagen!

And in New Zealand, a cop has been arrested for using his privilege/power to threaten a sex worker into free sex with him- basically, he used his badge to rape her. Lovely. But at least he has two years in jail for it... though, may I point out, only two years. For threatening and raping a woman. WTF. And the headlines say "cop jailed for forcing prostitute to have sex"... not "for rape". Why does it matter that she's a prostitute?

But, in better news, only three days ago Nevada passed a method to test men for hiring in their brothels- which is fantastic, because I wonder if it's a sign that women are being seen are possible clients, at long last. Men being subjected to the female gaze! One of my favourite things, as I'm sure you all know.

It can be easy where sex work is relatively legal, especially if you're a middle class white woman working along and indoors, to forget how many different ways governments and cultures commit violence against sex workers. It's not just the blase attitude to sex workers who are raped, robber, beaten or killed. It's also the ways in which governments prevent sex workers speaking for themselves on what makes a safe work environment, the fact police often ignore or are violent towards these people, the fact that media still thinks that a dead hooker is a funny hooker. Read this list of victims, updated every year. It's not funny to them, or those who know and loved them. Just this October in Brighton, it was Andrea Waddell- a trans woman with a Masters degree who worked as a sex worker, strangled to death in her flat. And it's legal in England, and Andrea was educated, white, middle class- never mind the many women where it's illegal, where their families have disowned them, where their bodies are unidentified, or may never be found.

Every day is a day to remember and fight against violence against sex workers.

omg pwnies!!1!

Ok, now that I've distracted you with hot girl... (and doesn't she need to come with sushi..?)

A couple weeks ago I had a nightmare in which Sh introduced me to his new girlfriend, and she told me how they were going to get married and how in love they were- and when I escaped outside to gather my thoughts, he came after me and ended up falling off a building to his death.

Sometimes it doesn't take a genius to figure out your psyche.

But I'm in a place where I feel really... stable. Secure, for the first time in a long while. I know my friends will be here when I get back. And especially, I know my dear ponygrrl La, and her lovely boyfriend (and my friend) Gout will be there when I get back too. In a way, as much as it hurt, I'm kind of glad Mono and I split up, as it makes it a little easier to let go of California and what was looking like a dead end lifestyle there. A fun lifestyle, mind, but not one that was driving my passion anymore. And a life without passion isn't the life for me...

I'm really pleased that La and Gout are coming to see me off to the airport tomorrow. I'm spending the night alone, which is good as it minimizes the chances of me being a basketcase and scaring them off. This is the first time I've played with a couple and I've felt equally comfortable with them both, so it's very exciting and heady stuff for me- and what makes it especially nice is their support around my work, and my girlfriend in California. Is it true? Did I give up on finding a nonmonogamous relationship only to fall into one..? Well, stay tuned, and I'll let you know, I suppose!

I had an amazing session a couple weeks ago with a couple who really re-energized me when it comes to sex work. He was a man who needed strict discipline from the women around him... and he got it from us, in spades! She was a really sexy lady who didn't see how amazing she was, and seducing her and really imparting my admiration for her, as a sexual being and as a woman, made both of us feel giddy for a while afterwards. I'm hoping to get to see them again- they were a lot of fun!

Meanwhile some exciting things have been going on in the rest of my life- mainly that a lovely lady is doing a photodocumentary on my day to day life, which is really nifty and exciting and fun- she's letting me have some say in what we do together so I really feel like she's telling the story as I see it, and not with an agenda. Always a plus. Another thing is that I'll be presenting a lecture on "En:Forced Femme: the Peep Show Experience of Blogging as a Sex Worker". As I have information about it I'll keep people posted... I'm very excited and honoured to be asked, as well as being terrified! Never mind the essay I'm working on for a book about Bitchy Jones's Diary, which will similarly be about the experience of forced femininity both as client request and professional service on my part as it pertains to my appearance. Educated, that's me! ::grin::

Additionally there have been a few more documentaries in the works, and articles being worked on about polyamory, about sex work while in school, and other things... all pretty positive to be a part of. Gotta break down some of those misconceptions somehow, right?

While it's a pain to leave London while I'm just starting to get back into working, it gives me some time to fix up my website- I hope to have a brand new one, and new business cards, in the Spring. It's time for a fresh beginning, a more professional approach, advertising and good photos- I'm ready to take London by storm. Is London ready for me..?