mpreg: or, why can't my boyfriend be the keyholder of pregnancy?

Mpreg. Short for male impregnation, sometimes seen in the news or in sci-fi fantasy but more often seen in smut, particularly slash smut.

I desperately wish it was real.

I've never expected myself to be a mother. I never imagined carrying a child- it's just not something that ever crossed my mind with anything more than a faint squick. And part of it is, I think, my desire to be contrary- I HATE people telling me that as I get older I'll change my mind, because of course as a woman I'm basically a breeding mare with no other big goals in my life- or, if I have goals, they have to fit around my imminent desire to whelp. Even if my body starts giving me baby dreams and twinges, all I have to do is look at a Real Live Baby and remind myself that I don't actually hold much interest in them, certainly no patience, and while I support my friends having kids, of course, if they want, I really strongly doubt it's for me.

And I'm reminded of this every single fucking time I'm in a relationship with a boy.

Because now there's that whole issue of enjoying the freedom of trusting someone enough to get tested, and have unprotected sex with them. Being fluidbonded. Never mind that condomless tends to be easier for me, as my body doesn't self-lubricate much and I tend to suck up water based lube like it's going out of style, creating a constant fear of condom breakage (something I deal with sometimes at work, the fear I mean- I just use up lots and lots of lube!) And what comes with that desire to do without condoms? Another form of birth control. And here's where I get incredibly cranky.

Why do I have to choose between putting insane amounts of hormones in my body, hormones that cause me to be weepy, overemotional, and, in my experience, have abnormal pap smears consistently- or, an IUD, which will potentially give me heavier, more painful periods, along with being incredibly invasive? Oh, right, because I'm the motherfucking girl, and therefore if I want to have condomless sex I have to suffer for the privilege. WTF.

What particularly sucks is that puppy would make a much better mother than I would. He could do the healthy eating habits, caring for a newborn, breastfeeding, etc... if mpreg was possible. But sadly, it isn't. So we'd be stuck- I, the highly motivated one, who has a physical job in which I need my body, would be laid low if I happened to get pregnant, leaving him, the less motivated one as the breadwinner. If we decided to see it through that is (not that we would, to be honest- we're both too poor for that, and I'm hugely uncertain about my thoughts on the whole thing).

Additionally, he's said how he wishes there was something other than the permanence of vasectomy when it comes to male-controlled birth control. I agree. I wish he could get copper jammed inside his testes and suffer every month or some crap and thus take all this off of me. I hate having to worry every time I have sex "what if this time..?" Especially using condoms and not being on the pill- if one broke at work, god help me.

Fuck you, seahorses and your easygoing mpreg. Fuck you to hell.

loving with the hands wide fucking open goddamnit if it kills me

Well, as per usual, it's been a while since I've blogged, and I'll be posting a few blog entries today to make up for lost time. The events will not be in order, but hey ho.

The main thing is, of course, Kinky Salon London, the event I'm now semi-in-charge-of here in the UK (there's one, the original, in San Francisco as well)- a labour of love, truly, and one I'm pleased about on an event level, though that's not what this blog is about.

What this blog is about is about relationships. It's about trust. It's about jealousy, and practicing what you preach, and being in the moment, and emotional management, and and and.

I've discussed before open relationships, and definitely had my struggles with monogamy, polyamory, nonmonogamy and all variations in between. KSL was my first sex party with the puppy, and it was... well, intense. It was definitely "another fucking opportunity for growth". And it's all ok now, things have been sorted, but I felt I wouldn't be fully representing things if I didn't blog about the experience. So, here goes.

The puppy is kind of new to sex parties with a girlfriend, and I made some assumptions as to what proper couple sex party etiquette was. Additionally, I'm new to being a primary and a girlfriend, really, with someone who sees me as such. So fucking around at a party was great- in theory.

Theory. Not so much in practice.

Basically, long story short, I had a moment when I was done working the event and was ready to play, and I looked for the puppy, and found him- naked, with another couple, far from reach. And it killed me inside. And I hated him, for not asking me first, or checking in, and myself, for freaking out as much as I did- I mean, I'm into all this, right? I have a girlthing/pony, so it's only fair, right?

(Cue TM telling me "fair does not always mean equal".)

It took two or three days for me to get over it, really, and a lot of space, and time to think. We almost broke up, twice. I reconsidered if, given the chance to be a primary, I could actually handle sharing- as a secondary, it was easy, but as a primary, was it too much? What were my issues around it all really? I mean, with my work, I'm not really able to be monogamous, so how was I going to be able to handle being the Good Girlfriend when my work involved me fucking other people and yet seeing my puppy doing it made me feel sick?

Well, I figured I can't be the only poly chick to deal with this INSANE JEALOUSY BEAST, so I thought I might give you all a rundown as to what we decided- maybe it'll help you, too.

-I realized I don't want to be google calendared in. I don't want a relationship where we have to pencil in slots of time to see each other, especially not as a primary. I want and need room to move, room to spend extra time, room to relax without looking at the clock. I've been the one overbooked before, like with H, and I don't want to do that again, to anyone- and I definitely don't want it done to me.

-I realized that I need time to feel secure in a relationship. I have an insane fear of abandonment, that has a lot to do with my tendency to hurt people before they hurt me. I haven't really learned to trust a lover, yet. And I need time to figure out what being a primary means, and what I'm ok with, and what I'm not.

-I realized I genuinely enjoy watching puppy play with others, but I like to be involved/invited. Part of this is my own jealousy of him- he gets play offers all the time, from cute girls and couples, and I haven't gotten that same sort of attention, so I'm being bitchy. It's not fair, sure, but there it is. As of the writing of this, we've had an amazing couple of threesome/foursome experiences with some great people, and I feel more ok about that the more comfortable I feel about the other people involved- and their attraction to me. I hate feeling like I'm the tolerated extra.

-I realized I want to be asked. I want to have the option of opting out, or coming along. Especially if I'm working, I might not be able to come play as well, but I want first dibs! The thing that got to me more than anything, and that made me hate my head weasels, was feeling like I was getting sloppy seconds, and I should either stop whining and take it or let it go.

-I realized I feel much better when I know that the other people involved like me and respect our relationship. Knowing the people involved really helped, and the better I know them, the more ok I am with it.

-I realized that one of the things that always gets to me is how fucking hard it is for me to get off on sexual activity. Especially as I don't get wet, often. So in a threesome or moresome, my enjoyment is completely dependent on how comfortable I feel saying what I like and don't like, and how long I feel comfortable letting them try. I often end up feeling like, as my orgasm is so tricky, that it's easier and better to just do unto others and leave it at that. But I'll feel disappointed, getting others off and not myself, and frustrated with my body that seems to dislike easy orgasms unless I'm alone. It starts off this whole head weasel thing of body issues, where I yell at myself for being so difficult, and not knowing myself well enough, and questioning if maybe I DO know myself and I'm just hella complex past explaining to anyone else. It says a lot that the lovers I adore and look forward to playing with most are ones who just instinctively know how to finger or fuck me that will make me cum, over and over again.

We're stronger than ever now, puppy and I, and I am endlessly grateful to Syph, and Ta, and TM, and G, and T&A, for stroking my head through it and telling me that asking for what I want is NOT crazy and I should give it all some time for us to calm down before making any decisions on the whole thing. Puppy and I talked a lot, and tears were shed, and barriers broken, and now I feel better about saying when I feel jealous and what I need in terms of reassurance. I need to know I'm the special one for a while, to let trust build. And compromises can, and are, and will be made.

Ultimately what I learned through the whole ordeal is that we really do love each other. And more to the point, we love each other enough to commit to figuring these things out as we go.

And finally- FINALLY- I'm not a GFE. I am a real, honest-to-god girlfriend. It's terrifying, and new.

And I fucking love it. Even when it hurts.