monogamous, a mentalist, or making sense?

I have spent a lot of my adult like identifying as polyamorous. I've amended that over the last year to say "yes, well, or at least nonmonogamous". But I've always had something that got in my way- first it was "but I can't find a partner willing to commit as a primary, boohoo", then it was "but I'm too overwhelmed, really", then "but I need to feel secure in the relationship first", and finally "but what if he puts the kink before me". And the day after the first real date he went on (the last, the AB one, cancelled last minute), when my boyfriend answered my question of how it went with "really well, actually, and I'd like to see her again", I felt threatened. Actually, if I'm being honest, I felt resigned, like "well, here's the beginning of the end". And a bit like I was kicked in the stomach, but ought to smile and say "great!"

I've done all the reading. I've answered the question "what are you feeling really?  Insecurity? Anxiety or fear? Envy? Protectiveness? Possessiveness? Competitiveness?" (to which, incidentally, the answer is generally "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"). I've tried to logic myself out of it, with the understanding that poly isn't about breaking off a relationship, but being open to others. It totally doesn't work, the logic thing, because then I still feel anxious and insecure and also beat myself up for feeling that way because it's illogical. I've communicated and asked for reassurance and been given it. I've tried setting boundaries and limits, even though that goes against some poly advice that suggests if you need that sort of thing you aren't really opening yourself up to love ::coughBULLSHITcough::. I considered some sort of written contract as suggested by "Opening Up" only to have the boy recoil a bit and say "this sounds way too complicated, maybe we should just stop seeing other people". 


So, I've come to some hypotheses, none of them easy, frankly.


-I can't share. I'm spoiled. I want to be able to sleep with and possibly date other people but hate when my partner does. Plus, I'm used to being the hot one, the one getting asked out, and now I rarely if ever get asked and he gets asked all the time.


-I have severe issues with trust. Some of it fair, some of it not. Dating serial monogamists posing as polyamorists has crippled me emotionally until I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, which, if I continue to me a mentalist, it will.


-I'm very insecure. I'm certain that everyone is hotter/more interesting/cleverer/easier to get along with/less troublesome/more sexually desirable than I am, and I'm just a waiting place til my partner finds someone better. This is added to because I haven't really been pursued for a date in a long while, an as KSL comes up, I feel nervous/resigned that, again, I'll watch everyone else play and enjoy and no one will ask me because I'm undesirable. Cool, but undesirable.


-I'd ask for what I need, but have no clue what it is. Or, the reassurance I need is so extreme it's impractical- see first point. 


-I'm deeply resentful that I have very little free time to have dates, but he does. Would this all be easier if I was dating someone as well? Possibly, and I'd like to, but see point three. And, time. If I did meet someone else, I could imagine maybe maintaining a secondary relationship, if I made time for it, but...


-...I also feel like the boy and I haven't been together long enough without outside distractions. We did cut down on the threesomes (I have yet to have a MMF threesome, too, btw) but have spent the last two months off and on arguing about these dates, and I still don't feel like we're solid. I want us to be solid before we bring anyone else into the relationship, especially someone I don't really know. But I also don't want to make him yank around this new person because of my insecurity, as, when I was a secondary, that really sucked.


-I am TERRIFIED that the new relationship giddiness is wearing thin and that he's just looking for a topup elsewhere. How many times and with how many people will I need to get comfortable with all this? But then, if you're not open at the beginning, when do you decide to open up? When are you ready? Will I ever be ready?


The boy said "there's never going to be a great time" and I keep feeling like he's right, but somehow he's managing to pick the worst times instead of the bad but not so bad times. I'm sure he's not doing any of that on purpose, but he's just not thinking about it. And, truth is, you can't afford not to think about all this stuff and be poly. He freely admits he's a bit of an emotional retard and I feel like that's a skill best to have a handle on BEFORE you invite someone new into your partners life, not DURING. But again, when do you decide? And he's already started, so how much of a dick would I be to tell him to stop?


Is this something I need to sort out on my own, or do he and I need to figure it out together? Is it my insanity or is it a reflection of actual issues in the relationship? I have no fucking idea, and it's giving me a headache to think about all the time. 


It's especially maddening as I used to be ok with this. Well, not entirely- I recall being pissy with Sh for talking about his dates, esp as he chose to date monogamous girls, and also I hated listening to Mono talk about the fun he had on other dates since he and I struggled to have sexyfuntime. Was it that, though, or am I and was I making excuses? I was generally fine when dating couples- I was totally included and surrounded with love when I was around, and did my own thing when I wasn't. I was ok with an old ex who was poly, but we were fluidbonded and he later admitted he wasn't using protection with at least one of the other girls, which added to my paranoia. I guess I was ok with it when I felt like I was a wanted commodity, and now that I feel a bit like a gooseberry I'm jaded and bitter. How cliche.


Obviously I just need to have my own dates. Maybe I should just hire one. ::sigh:: Why is getting a date so difficult? Am I truly that lame? 


Someone from Fetlife commented to me the following:
"For me, it's really hard to share my special someone that I have a deep love-bond with so I've established boundaries that work for us. I don't really care what others say about it. It's my own personal brand of sort-of monogamy that works for us. lol I guess you just have to find out what works for you, what keeps you sane and what you can wrap your mind around and not feel ashamed if you have limitations on what you can deal with even if they feel totally hypocritical or one-sided. If its going to work, it will. I know that doing things my way isn't equal at all and I don't really give a shit. I have my rules. Abide by them and help me stay happy and positive about us or go against them and unleash the bitch and watch me eventually check out of the relationship. I can only take what my brain will allow me to take, otherwise, I'd just be lying to myself and it would end with a big KABOOM! anyway."


This made me smile, and have a bit more compassion for my reactions to all this. I'm not alone, and that helps. Though when she said " But overly concerned about being fat, I'm not. Plenty of boys and girls throw themselves at me so my fat must be sexy" I realized a HUGE amount of my insecurity is around my sexual attractiveness. I always said to my grandma, who thinks I should lose at least 20lbs, that when people stopped wanting to fuck me I'd start getting worried about my weight. I don't know if I particularly want to lose weight. But I'm not getting the flirtation I used to. Is that a factor? Or is it that I just don't go out enough and don't seem to have the time so people don't bother? I'm not sure. I got into the whole poly thing because I was insecure and being slutty was a way to feel attractive... is that part of the issue now?


HEAD. HURTS.

have you cut off your hands yet?

I love cities at night, especially when it's warm. Walking to the corner shop, when the street is quiet and the air still, is an enjoyable experience- I feel sometimes like I'm the only one in London, or that I'm moving in stopped time. There's an intimacy to experiencing the city in that way, when you're not going anywhere, or doing anything important, just walking down the pavement in your comfy pajamas for some strawberries and Coke. It's almost enough to tip the balance from the tired girl I feel I am to the serene girl I know I could access if there was ever time to stop.


I've been feeling kind of burned out recently. It's definitely not the first time, either, and somehow it tends to happen around the same time. Some of it is the event I run- some of it is my tendency to volunteer for everything under the sun, as I feel passionately about many things and want to help- some of it is trying to reach equilibrium with my lover- some of it is trying to remain a contender in that crazy world called sex work. I want to work, need to work, but at the same time find myself too drained to go to west London for an outcall at 10pm. I want to see a support group for other sex workers, to refuel by talking with others who understand, but know that ultimately I'd have to organize that if I want it as a resource. Escorting in London can be a lonely business, and no one really talks to each other. The last time I took a girl under my care, well... she learned from me and then fled to start her own domme service, and barely spoke to me again. Such is life and female competition, I suppose, but it still stings.

Perhaps I need a day at the seaside. Maybe I need a thrilling new encounter. Or maybe I just need to make more time to sit in my room and read silly books that have nothing to do with sex, or sex work, or queerness, or activism- just fluff and nonsense. I don't know if I want to spend more time with friends, or just hole myself away from them- I can't tell what would be better for my mental state right now. My boyfriend is trying to help, and I can see that he doesn't want me to be sad, or anxious, or exhausted, but I don't know what to tell him, don't know what I need to turn this moodiness around. I thought maybe service submission, where he could draw me a bath, serve me breakfast in bed, tend to me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I forget that I do struggle with mental issues, and that I, too, only have a certain number of spoons to spend, though my supply is larger than most. I see more and more why Londoners use alcohol so often- I care less about all of this when on a downer, when my brain shuts down and I can just coast mentally.

I keep feeling torn between the desire to have more- more sex, more work, more money, more fun nights out, more clothes, more sexy underwear, more more more- and less. So much less. Less worry, less organization, less power, less responsibility. I feel myself a domme in crisis. I am desperately aware of how easily this work can go from being fun to being precarious and frantic, especially as rent day draws closer and I'm spending my last tenner on strawberries, Coke, and the cigarettes I keep trying to cut down on, finding myself clinging to them because, as vices go, smoking alone doesn't carry the same stigma as drinking alone. I feel myself becoming a stereotype, and I hate it.


It reminds me of a poem by Marge Piercy, one of my favourites. And, if you think it's about you, it probably isn't, so stop that right now. :P
The Friend

We sat across the table. he said, cut off your hands. they are always poking at things. they might touch me. I said yes. Food grew cold on the table. he said, burn your body. it is not clean and smells like sex. it rubs my mind sore. I said yes. I love you, I said. That's very nice, he said I like to be loved, that makes me happy. Have you cut off your hands yet?

the boy who cried fabulous

So there's one thing I actually really like about the adult baby thing. And this paddle is one of those things. I have one, in brown.

Anyway, the real plus is I can make believe that I'm raising the gayest, most environmentally friendly child known to humankind.

In a way, I'm starting to appreciate that I can pick children's books, colouring supplies, and movies based on what I'd want to have for a kid, and know that my boyfriend will actually appreciate it, unlike the child I might eventually have, who will probably roll their eyes at recycled drawing paper and books about Heather's two mommies. I am certain that the result of my spawning would be a heterosexual sporty male, and what on earth would I do with that..?

I did give the storytime with him a go, and it wasn't bad. It was actually kind of sweet. He called me "Daddy", which I was slightly taken aback by as I was really fully femme, but it seemed to fit well. Sleeping together with him in that headspace was odd, though, as I felt I couldn't snuggle him and kiss him the way I normally would in a half-awake state. I still feel like I need a finite end time to these interactions so I know how to behave and when.

Still feeling strange about the fact I'm more comfortable with ageplay when there's some sort of shady taboo sexual play involved. I suspect I am a deeply disturbed person.

Reviewing the Situation...

Another thing I really want to get into and do more of is sex toy and porn reviews. I used to do them for Spectator magazine, back in San Francisco, and I miss it! I figure there's enough of you reading this now that I might actually have a chance to share my thoughts on various funky new toys and porns. I figured I might start with some of the porn I have around currently, though most of it is from San Francisco...

Or I suppose I could start with some of the toys I have around...

::giggles::

I'm already imagining the photos!

declaration of interdependence..?

Ok, ok, so while I didn't particularly enjoy what I read of Belle de Jour's online stuff (as much as I kinda got off on the fact she was a scientist- hot stuff, that!), her first book has been quite entertaining, and I've generally liked the show. 


I'll admit, this book had me questioning being an independent sex worker- frankly I wonder if I'd get more work via an agency. But, what agency? And would they, like my horrible first domme job in Oakland California, end up treating me like shit as I'm a fat girl? 


Plus, would being with an agency mean less security, or more? Would it mean better clients, or less control? I see the possibility of it helping, especially as getting an incall space together hasn't been the easiest thing so I'm currently outcall only, but worry that not being independent would scare off guys who like the fact they speak to me directly. I don't really know enough girls in this business to know if one method is better or worse than another.


I quite enjoy the freedom I have as an independent, but it's been tough going. I advertise like a fiend, and the travel back and forth between here and San Francisco hasn't lent itself to consistent clients. I'm getting enough, but only just. I'm not entirely sure how to improve my presence.


In the meantime, thanks to a lovely client, here's uploads of my Time Out London page: the text, the photo, and the whole thing. Amusingly, when I mentioned brittle bones (I couldn't recall the name of the disorder), he was the client I was talking about- he emailed me and said: 


"I thought about adding a third page with a photo of the massive black bruise on my left buttock/hip you left me with to show how much care you took over my brittle bones (I won't let this rest - it really is too funny :) !), but unfortunately it appears 3d spacial dexterity is not my strong point, and I ended up with photos of my thumb, wheelchair and even, somewhat bizarrely, my bookcase, but none identifiably of my backside." 


He is an awesome client, seriously, and I can't wait to see him again. His sense of humour is totally infectious! 


So, as I sit and reflect on all this, I continue to update my profiles on various sites, wondering when it'll all turn around...

also, change your own fucking diaper.

I considered adding this into the last blog, as it's directly related, but I figured I could best expand on this in its own entry.


I was reading a bit about how people became Mommies and Daddies in this scene, and came across this statement from a switch into the adult baby thing:


" I always did kinda look at the mommy daddy thing a bit oddly cause more so for littles I just cant see the.. reciprocation of care and love and effort. Too many just plan on one day living where they don't have to work, feed themselves, dress themselves, or ANYTHING. Then somehow think that just their presence and smile to the other pays them back for completely saddling their life on another.. How is this not the most self centered idea on the planet?  I mean most of us know its hard enough for us to support our OWN life, and even though we akin it to real parents well at least at that point we are passing on OUR VERY GENES in most cases, and are only doing it in any case for a temporary period that even still is hard for most.. "


When I read this, again, something clicked for me. 


Ah yes. Resentment. 


While with bdsm, I can find ways to get my submissive to do things for me that make my life easier (mostly service related, which I kink hard for anyway), and with petplay there's a give-take that comes from being amused by kittenish antics/training ponies/playing fetch with a puppy, with the AB thing it seems... well, like having a kid. Take take take. How can it not be? I mean, I suppose if you have a toddler you can assign them chores, but god, I do not want to deal with an adult having a tantrum. And then... well, you're expected to feed them, bathe them, amuse them, take care of them, change them, clothe them... ffs! I think I'd get cross rather quickly, though mad respect to the people out there who truly enjoy being in that role all the time. Is it "it's own reward"? Really? And the thing is, an adult baby STAYS THE SAME AGE. They're never going to start doing these things themselves while in role. They'll never go to school and give you a break. Is there a support group for AB parents..?


Ok, ok, I know. An adult baby doesn't have to be in role 24-7, and god knows my pup isn't like that. But I can guarantee that's part of my emotional rebellion against this type of play- I don't want to have to be the responsible one in my sex life all the time, along with in my day to day life. I feel like I tend to be the person with the answers a lot, and I don't want that to bleed into my bedroom too! I'm glad that the pup gives us space to switch and as I explore this kink I've been the one spending a lot of time as the little girl which has given me space to begin to get it a little more.


This echoes a lot my experience as a female submissive. I would say 95% of my time as a female submissive was spent as, basically, a fuckhole. My sexual pleasure didn't enter into it in the slightest- and to fulfill my "role" "appropriately" I was expected to take what I was given and be grateful for it. But I wasn't. I was furious. The maledoms I met weren't interested in a relationship they were interested in a personification of their kink. And frankly, when I've been on forums for AB/DL stuff asking questions to try to figure out how to do this caregiving thing all I've gotten in response is a lot of "THIS IS MY KINK APPEASE IT NAO" messages that irk me. 


But you know what? That has very little to do with the AB kink, when I stop and think about it, though some kinks are more prone to it I expect. You get submissives who are total do me queens and you get Dom/mes who tell you that it's not about you so you'd better learn to get off on what they give you. It's just one of those ways that kink is broken- we're all so desperate to have our kink make manifest that we forget that we're doing this shit with someone else, who has their own kinks. Again, I think I enjoy service submission because I see very clearly how it can be done in a way to make everyone happy and relaxed- I can see how it's made fair, especially as I tend to have my service submissives contracted, so the guidelines and agreements are all laid out and discussed ahead of time.


So then- if you don't get off on being a caregiver, if it isn't its own reward for you, how do you make it interesting for yourself? There must be parents out there who have had to learn this. Maybe I should read more about post-partum depression... 


And then there's the question- if this isn't my kink now, is there anything to be gained by analyzing my feelings about it and exploring my processes? Should I just give up, or should I keep exploring, and seeing if there's anything in it for me? I always had that attitude of "how can you know unless you try it" but at the same time the various personal issues this kink has stirred up in me has the pup wishing he never told me about it at all. How can I be true to myself, and figure this out, without making him feel like I think he's fucked up and weird?


And, really, how can I stop feeling fucked up and weird myself? Cause frankly, both these blogs boil down to the one looming feeling that I actually lack important human empathy, and that my choice to not breed isn't a choice so much as knowledge that I lack the ability to connect to other people in any meaningful way. And wouldn't that be trite- the sex worker who can't emotionally connect, who "cannot love"...

bottled up (possibly triggering)

I've worn a diaper, once.


It was for this charm bracelet I have, where each charm symbolizes some kinky act. I don't even remember what the charm was I earned, actually- but the task was to ride my bike with my boyfriend at the time to dinner and a movie ("Paris, je t'aime", from what I recall) and then back to his flat, and I was told I was not allowed to go use the bathroom once while we were out. I remember being embarrassed by the crinkliness of it, certain that everyone around me knew EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON, which of course was totally false, and the point of the exercise in the first place. I didn't pee in the diaper.


A big reason I didn't is because I wet my pants until I was about 10. I'm not sure why, really- I just always had really shitty bladder control. I remember peeing myself at a karate lesson, which was horrible, and again in third grade in front of my class. I was always terrible at minding the warning signs! So I have a lot of trauma around wetting myself. When I had a friend who wanted me to wet my jeans, I just couldn't, and gave myself a cramp because I just couldn't do it. Here in the UK, I have a hard time peeing in a carpeted bathroom. Every once in a while even now I almost don't make it to the toilet in time. This is, of course, something that has always carried a lot of shame with it, and something I've not really told people before. 


I was never the sort of little girl who had baby dolls. I had American Girl dolls, and I liked them, but I liked the books a lot more, and didn't end up playing imagination games with them much. I tended to focus on playing lawyer or vet with my cats as clients, or playing mad scientist in the school playground. I played Salem Witch Trials with my Barbies, and was way more interested in animals than human babies.


I've always been dimly aware of the adult baby community, more thanks to the ageplay community in San Francisco, but I haven't really engaged in it. I did a little bit of Daddy/girl play here and there, and I had a session once in which I played a mummy role (which was horrifying) but, hell, I hang out with the Burning Man community- doing colouring books, watching Disney, playing in playgrounds, etc are pretty normal for them. I never felt a need to regress, to really play the role of a little girl, as I could basically go in and out of that role all the time. I mean, I was a girl who dressed like a fairy for work when I used to work at Hot Topic.

Then I met my boy. And he's really into the adult baby thing- nappies, onesies, romper suits, pacifiers, the whole shebang. To be honest, when he first told me I panicked inside- I don't like REAL babies, how on earth could I provide space for an adult wanting to regress?? Then I thought about it, considered that one of my Domme archetypes is a 5 year old spoiled brat, and that I got into kink as a psychological thing thanks to a lover who regressed to about 4 or 5 when I beat him enough, and realized that ageplay was something I got, just not babies. And then I realized further that what threw me, ultimately, was that it WASN'T sexual for him. I get it, as a kink- age regression equals a type of submission very much like pet play, where someone else is in control of you, where you depend on them, and I mean, it's taboo, so there's an appeal there.

But that's not what it is, for him. It's about putting on the bib and the onesie and crawling around gurgling to yourself and playing with your feet. Like a real baby. And I have no idea what to do with that. I mean, when I'm around a real baby I generally just shift uncomfortably, make the appropriate "aww, how cute" noises and escape as soon as I can. I can handle kids when they can speak, but before then I'm so perplexed. I'm like a cat that drowns her first litter because she has no idea how to mother them.

This is my boyfriend, though. I love him. I want to play at the supportive parental figure sometimes, for him. But god, I'm not practiced with babysitting, and what if I laugh, and if I'm the "parent", I can't just run away if it's just too awkward! I also wonder if I'm going to end up processing my own mentalisms about family and having kids and my own determination that spawning would be the worst possible idea for me.

Or maybe it'd be really healing. I have no idea.

But the problem I keep having is that NO ONE talks about this sensibly, really. I've messaged a few people on Fetlife who do the Mummy thing, and no one writes back. Daddies? There's lots of support for Daddies. But Mummies seem to be scarce, and when I ask questions about what they do, and if they've been where I am now, there's no answer, or I just get a mailbox full of badly written emails asking if I want a 24-7 nappy-wearing baby who's in his mid forties. Frankly? No I do not.

(side note- there are an awful lot of really hot young boys into this. That is, sort of, an incentive to figure out what my block is around it.)

I feel a bit like I have post-partum depression- anxious, guilty, overwhelmed, confused. I mean, I worry all the time if my lack of a maternal instinct is some sort of failing, not as a woman, but as a human being. Thankfully I'm working this out with a lover who is actually my age and can therefore reassure me that I'm not mentally fucked up because I'm struggling with this.

What's interesting is that I can get into the gear- the big cribs, the clothes, the cuteness. I love the activities- going to museums or the zoo, drinking apple juice, playing games, etc. What keeps getting me stuck is the fear that I am not actually a human who can connect with spawn of any kind. I already have weird issues with snuggling and touchy-feelyness, I'm pretty awkward at physical comfort. And if that was by choice I would be ok with it, but it doesn't feel chosen, it feels like some sort of weird trauma reaction where I just recoil instinctively. I have no idea why.

I don't have the same worries as the little girl, either. I'm more and more comfortable with that. Hell, I still sleep with a blankie and Mr Gordo. Who'm I to judge, really?

I'm sure I'll keep pondering this and trying to figure out what I actually feel about it. I'll revisit this again at some point, I'm sure. Til then... I'll just go back to my tentacle rape, furries, splosh, and genderqueer Daddy smut. You know, NORMAL stuff. ;)

green in every sense

Well, incredibly quickly- I won my erotic award for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society. :) I'm very pleased about it, and hope to get back into it soon. I miss having a space for women to enjoy porn without it being a sexual environment.

Anyway. That's not ultimately what I wanted to blog about. I have a couple rolling around in my brain, but, first things first.

My boypup is going on a play date with someone tomorrow- the first time he's been on a date with someone where play is on the agenda. Meanwhile, I've had clients, and had two sexual encounters personally... yet I'm the one who's struggling here.

It took TM to tell me something that really clarified my fear-based jealousy- she said "the pup isn't Sh. He loves YOU, not the kink you do for him. He cares about you, not the kink".

I hadn't realized it, but that's what's making me mental. Yes, despite being nonmonogamous, I am a mentalist about sharing my boy. Now, this is a platonic playdate for the pup to try out one of his big fetishes- adult baby. It's not something I'm definitely into- I'm curious, certainly, but I don't feel like I have a maternal bone in my body (and the whole AB thing is for another blog anyway- I kinda discussed it a while ago, too, if you're curious). But I think I have a terror that pup's attraction to me IS because he's into the kinks I'll do. It's silly, because we do a lot more than kinky play. But it's definitely damage from Sh, who ultimately was into the kink- I was incidental. And I know how huge it is to finally get to do a kink you know you're into, you've just never found someone else into it. I'm scared he'll realize that his kink for AB is more... substantial than his love for me.

I've had all the reassurances, and we're going to get together after his playdate to talk about it. I don't really fear that the other woman he's going to play with will steal him away, for multiple reasons. I guess it's really about the play. I half wish I was into it, and could be a mommy type, but it's just not in me. And I think, in a lot of ways, it's better for him to do it with someone else, as I'd worry it would negatively impact our day to day relationship. I just feel incredibly nervous and a bit sad.

The pup is not Sh. I know that. I can't even begin to explain how lovely and loving the pup has been while I fussed and flailed around nonmonogamy and our relationship and what I need to feel safe. I'm not always sure how to respect my past experiences without punishing the current situation. I can't pretend Sh didn't fuck me up emotionally. All I can do is try to take care of myself, and know I can't and don't want to be everything to my boypup. And trust him.

I suck at trust. ::sigh::

Also, I have to say how much I completely HATE that the boypup doesn't seem to get jealous about relationship stuff. I sleep with other people, and he feels glad I'm having a nice time. Which, logically, is lovely, but emotionally drives me batty- I can't give him a point of reference, can't say "you know that time you felt insecure because of that other guy?", because that doesn't happen. So instead I feel like I'm constantly the mentalist, constantly feeling weird and uncertain and twitchy. It's never overemotion shared, just me spazzing out on my own.

But I do love him, and I want him to be happy, and I can sleep with other people, so it's only fair he has a playdate. The world won't end. I know that. All I can do really is close my eyes and jump in, hoping for the best. I feel ridiculous, as I've been doing this poly shit for years- yet sometimes I feel like I'm completely naive.

What do you do when you know you're being completely unreasonable but you still feel mental and scared and lost?