Review: Tenga Egg

I know it's a bit strange to be a woman reviewing a men's masturbation toy, but you haven't met the Tenga Egg yet. If it wasn't for the lovely SubMission, I might not have been excited to give it a go. But thanks to her review, I thought I'd give it a go. Why?

Cause it comes in 6 different textured styles. And cause it can go on top of your Hitachi.

Yeah, basically, this is a brilliant magic wand cover made of elastomer. Technically it's for one use, but if you take good care of it, wash it well, and don't let your boyfriend steal it as a sleeve for him, you should be able to enjoy it for a while. It fits easily over the head of the Hitachi and gives the vibration a softer feel- not too gentle, but not rough on your clit, either. Very nice indeed.

Thanks to Good Vibrations, I tried the Wave style Tenga Egg. It was so innocently presented in a plastic egg- my grandma was all intrigued by it. "Oh, Kitty, you got a present! What is it?" After thinking for a while I went with the truth- "it's a sex toy, grandma." She didn't ask any further. However, this means that if you have such an egg hanging around your house, no one will think much of it- certainly no one would think it's a sex toy, so, it's discreet!

As a toy for the Hitachi, I found it pleasant against the skin, easy to put on and take off, and easy to clean. It definitely added a little something different to my masturbation, which is nice. I'm still in mourning for my poor late Wahl coil, which died, much to my dismay, after a particularly rough clit-rubbin' session. I love that the Wahl had multiple heads for different sensations, and particularly liked the suction cup one. The Tenga egg helped me recover from that loss, because it's opened up one thing I really like in a vibrator- variety. With 5 more textures to experience, I'll be kept pretty busy!

Deciding to let the boy try it for it's intended use, I gave it over to him. It took a bit of explaining, but he added some lube and wanked away. "Initially I was skeptical, but found it was pretty nice- it's soft, so I got to maintain a pretty tight pressure while still having that soft feeling. Though," he adds, "it's not going to replace my hand for all future masturbation sessions." So, again, if you seek variety, check one of these out.

I did make him clean it up after though. I plan to enjoy it again on my wand!

Give the Tenga a go here!

Sex Workin' Sweetheart- or, yes, we have relationships

“So what do you do?” is a question I get asked a lot at the pub in London. Generally I size the person up and decide how far up the exposure scale I want to go (if you’re curious, from least to most intimate- blogger, sex blogger, sex therapist, dominatrix/escort, kinky interactive sex therapist). Usually I’ll go all the way, and say that I do hands on sex therapy with an emphasis on kink and exploring sexual arousal, offering a GFE, and they’ll look at me blankly, so I’ll laugh and say “I’m a dominatrix-slash-hooker with a psychology degree”. Then I’ll get the “o” of surprise, often closely followed by them sobbing into their pint and telling me their girlfriend never orgasms anymore. They’re a tightly wound bunch, the Brits. Thankfully I rarely get the "oh, that's terrible you have to do that!" or the rescuer type scenario.

Anyway, it’s not long til I drop the ultimate bombshell- that I have a boyfriend. That’s when things really pick up, almost always starting with the question “and he lets you do this kind of work?” After patiently explaining that, as a woman in 2010, no one “lets” me do anything, I also generally mention that we have an open relationship. “Ah,” the questioner says, half satisfied and half wistful. “That explains it then. So he gets his and you get yours, right?”

Well, no, not exactly. It’s not easy being a sex worker with a lover at home. If you have a really demanding client, you might want to just go home and play on the computer alone, or you might want to snuggle. Sometimes sex seems really trite. It can change from day to day. Sometimes I come back from a client and I’m really horny, sometimes I don’t want to be touched, or forget how to be touched. I want my partner to respect that my needs are variable and unpredictable- I do my best to communicate them, but I want him to do his best to honour them. The last thing you want is to go home, have your lover reach for you, and feel like you’re seeing another client- it takes a lot of work and communication to keep that from happening. Personally, I find that having special play that just happens between us helps a lot.

Add to that the fact I have an uneasy relationship to focusing on my own sexual needs as it is. For example- I really struggle to orgasm. 45 minutes and a hitachi will generally do it, after my wrist has gone numb. I joke that something’s wrong when the thing you yell when you cum is “FINALLY FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” I don’t really get wet for cunnilingus- it’s nice, but it won’t make me shiver. Penetrative sex is wonderful, and sometimes does it for me, but usually that orgasm is evasive. I squirt when teased by the right fingers, but... it’s still not the same delightful tingling feeling. The only thing that really makes me soaking wet is hurting the living hell out of my boy- one of the reasons my blog has the tag “sadist or serial killer”. So I’m pretty unlikely to go have incredible sex with some random person I pick up for a date, as much as I enjoy the novelty of it.

My boyfriend definitely separates work sex from fun sex, which is good. I don’t have to explain the difference. And he encourages me to go out and seek the fun sex I want. But, of course, I’m going out doing often emotionally intense sexual play to release and heal other people’s broken sexualities every day, so I don’t tend to want to go on a bunch of dates to meet someone to join our little poly clan. I occasionally sleep with friends- very occasionally, and that’s nice, and fun, and works, but I don’t know if I could emotionally support another relationship. So far, I haven’t really tried. It’s too exhausting, finding a lover who is queer, gets the work you do, and doesn’t care that you have a cismale partner.

I’ve had a hard time with maintaining relationships while being a sex worker. I’ve had a lover who was a client who then couldn’t handle that we met “at work”- he wouldn’t introduce me to his friends and generally acted ashamed of me and broke my heart. Or I’ve had lovers who felt that sex work was all well and good until it affected our sex life- if I wasn’t willing to perform they were out. My current boyfriend has been excellent at maintaining the balance, and not pushing. But now we get to the hard part.

Because of my work, I’ve always been in open relationships but rarely been a primary relationship. Potential dates had other lovers, partners, or work that kept the main focus away from me. This is the first time I’ve had a primary who also considered me their primary. And it’s really hard, because I haven’t explored a lot of poly pitfalls, like jealousy. I get terribly jealous, because I’m scared. What if he goes on a date with someone and decides he, too, can’t handle my work? And I get angry- as he doesn’t work, and I do, I have felt like his dating other people punishes me for being busy, or for not having the energy to go out with other people. And yet at the same I think “how can I possibly tell him he can’t sleep with other people when I do that for my job?” It’s a conundrum. When you have sex with strangers to pay rent, how do you make sure your partner/s feel special? Some workers avoid this by just not telling their partner about their work... I’m too worried about disease transmission to entertain that thought. So, we stick it through with the open relationship thing- currently we’ve decided to play as a couple and see how that goes, if that works as a compromise. I’ll let you know.

I don’t know if I have advice for anyone in this situation. I’m still figuring it out myself. But I’ll say this- if you are the partner of a sex worker, be compassionate and be present. We do complicated, emotionally draining work that involves a lot of physical touch and figuring out what people *really* want vs what they tell you. It’s stressful, and we react to that stress depending on how we’re doing with it. We might respond by being overly demanding about our needs. Be flexible with us. And if you are a sex worker- keep communicating, save money so you can take time off when you need to to prevent burnout, and take care of yourself. It’s totally possible to be a sex worker with a sweetie, contrary to what the media tells you- but it’s hard work. But then, aren’t relationships anyway?


(photo by Benjy Feen)

Review: "Tight Places: A Drop of Color"

“Tight Places: A Drop of Color” is so incredibly hot. Porn showing queers of colour going at it with each other- how could you go wrong? I know one of my friends in London will really, really like the combination of diversity and queerness- but he'll just have to wait, as I'm not giving this up anytime soon!

I loved that the first scene with the amazingly sexy newcomer Brooklyn has Vai so wet she’s dripping, literally, all over the ground. Copious amounts of whimpering and squirt started this off on the right note, for sure. Yum. Add to that the playfulness and sweetness of Akira and Kohen, and then all the combos in between, and you have a really sexy porn with lots of delicious queer fucking.

I was really impressed with the chemistry the couples had with each other. Hearing them giggling and moaning interchangeably  was a huge turn on for me, and reflects sex I enjoy having and watching. I also really enjoyed the moments where the stars introduce themselves and say a bit about their experience with porn- it’s a nice way to connect with the people you’re watching.

The other thing I liked was the dose of kink- like when Vai is being fingerfucked by Brookyn while her face is in the toilet. Mmm. And I liked the tattoos and piercing- it really was a hot group of people. It did that thing I love in porn- made me feel like I was watching an intimate moment between a couple who really loved having sex with each other. I’m very glad to add this gem to my collection of queer smut.

Interested? You should be! Check it out at Good Vibrations, where you can get the DVD or download it straight to your computer, for my UK/European friends.

unicorns are always horny

I'm going to Burning Man this year, and I'm going with a camp called Unicorn Ranch. I'm pretty excited- a lot of the friends I'm camping with are friends from Kinky Salon, and the unicorn theme? Fabulous! Also it's little things, like having showers, and a kitchen, and electricity... that's all really, really nice. Plus yes, I'm camping with the boy- a camp full of positivity and perkiness will make us or break us, I'm sure. We've been making up (I decided I loved him more than I loved being martyred), and we're going to have a long talk when he comes out to visit. Thank god he's been in deserts before and therefore will be accustomed to the heat and having to drink tons of water! I feel pretty confident that we'll have a great time- and I'm really glad that we both have places to go outside of camp if we need space from each other.

Thinking about unicorns made me think a lot about the ultimate unicorn- the hot bi babe who sleeps with couples. I am a unicorn- maybe an ex unicorn, if you only count single HBBs, and I loved being one! I really like hooking up with couples- I get to be with two people, usually a guy and a girl, so I satisfy my need for variety, and I've done it enough that I know how to make it fun for everyone, generally. At least, I know how to do that when I'm the unicorn, cause I'm the new shiny thing, and knowing that, I can make sure that everyone gets equal attention and thus has a nice time.

Ah. But. The boy and I are discussing having a rule for a while where we only play as a couple. And suddenly, I'm on the other side of that sexy equation- I'm the unicorn hunter. So now, it's all about finding that rare beast- the girl who's interested in playing with us both, who isn't too mental and who can communicate. Hahahaha! Yeah. Right. I mean, yeah, I like the idea of us playing as a couple, sure- but we've done threesomes before, and if we do a threesome with a girl, the boy gets a bit "ooooh shiny" and forgets about paying attention to me, and, well, often the girl doesn't seem that into getting me off, so I'm just enabling the two of them... and that sucks. I don't like the cuckold thing. At. All. At least when we played with another guy, the attention was on me, and that pleased the boy because he's not terribly into playing with men on his own.

So it's a complicated thing, this playing as a couple. I like queer women and genderfuckers- who, generally, aren't that into playing with cismen. Bi women are great, but more often than not are just "experimenting" and/or actually want the boy and not me. Not great. Or there's guys, which is awesome for me but not him. So yeah... I'm not really sure how this unicorn hunt will play out.

And then there's the fact that, like a unicorn, people tend to think I'm elusive- I guess I intimidate people. I organize events, I guess I hang with the cool people, so people assume I wouldn't want to be approached. But I desperately do! I don't approach people because I'm still nervous that they won't say yes- I've been fighting that tendency in the UK and frankly people think I'm hotter there so it's easier- in the US there's a lot of body fascism. So the boy gets asked all the time to play and no one invites me or asks me which makes me hate this open relationship even more.

But look. I make this clear sometimes, perhaps not clear enough- if I know you socially, especially if you're queer, and you think I'm hot, jesus christ already, SAY SOMETHING! ASK ME OUT or ask me to play! I might very well say yes. I never get asked and it sucks to volunteer or run a sex party where no one ever approaches you. You don't have to be some sort of magical being. It would just be really nice to be flirted with. Unicorns get lonely, too, you know.

where do we go from here?

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead." -Angelus, from BTVS


My head is going a mile a minute. "He told me she wasn't into sex, she just wanted to make out and hold hands". "I can't believe I give him a place to stay and he uses it for sex with someone else." "He keeps saying he loves me and that he's sorry- is that enough?" "Am I completely crazy for being this hurt and angry?" "Should I break up with him?" "Should I stay and work it out?" "How dare he go out and have fun- he makes a mess and then leaves me to fix myself!""Don't be mad at her, be mad at him." "2 days. Seriously? 2 days was too long?" "I hate him for making me feel this way." "I still love him."


Maybe I'm not able to do this polyamory thing. I've wondered this before, especially while still reeling after the hellishness that was Toybox. Maybe I can't do it with him. I don't know.


I feel like I just started to trust him again- I had met up with them both for coffee to see how I felt, as as we walked away I said I felt awkward but that a date would be ok, just not sex. He reassured me then. But when he called and the first thing he said was "I just want you to know I love you best" I knew he had done something stupid. I didn't realize how stupid. I didn't realize that after I had helped set him up with a room in London away from his mother he repaid me by breaking our agreement with a friend of mine. 


I've been in this relationship before. 


The sex didn't go well. I'm not too clear on what exactly happened, who encouraged who, if safer sex was done or even necessary. I don't know how much of the details I really want to know. I know she feels terrible, and I'm trying not to be angry with her or feel even less comfortable around her. It's a personal prejudice, my suspicion of "the other woman", and I know that my agreement is with HIM and therefore he's responsible. It's not going to happen again, either way.


Now what to do with him. I mean, I feel pretty confident he really thought it would be ok. But he thought that because he conveniently forgot what I had told him. He broke the rules, and his first response was "well, you're sleeping with other people anyway". Actually, the only people outside of him I've slept with (all, what, 2 of them) have been clients. And even one of them just emailed to ask for my permission to see someone else for a handjob because he "doesn't want to be trained in cheating". Well done, reminding me that I never get asked out, and even when that rare moment happens that I do, I have sexless dates. Great for my self esteem. I'm too tired to keep this up.


The thing is, when we're at a party or event- no matter how cool I am, or how well dressed, no one approaches me. On good days I figure it's because of intimidation. On bad days I think it's because I'm hideous fat and gross. But everyone, seemingly, wants to sleep with the boy, who is still pretty new to sluttiness and definitely naive about relationships. It sucks. I hate feeling like I can't trust him have to check up on him- but if I don't he breaks my boundaries. Are relationships like this? Can we conquer this again? Do i want to?


I need to figure it all out. He comes in 10 days. I'm hurt, and I love him, and my trust is gone. I want to reach out to him, and I want to never speak to him again. Why did he have to do this? ::sigh::


Am I ever going to be someone's girlfriend, not just their GFE..?

jetsettling

So Sunday I flew out of London, out of the arms of my sleepy sweet boy and into the arms of my cuddly Care Bear girly. It had been a bit of a debacle, getting on the flight- they had overbooked it, so I had to wait for another, later flight- however, in exchange I got a return trip voucher wherever Virgin travels, AND upgraded to first class! Pretty snazzy. Travelling in first class made me think of how envious I was of those escorts who get flown to Europe for the weekend... le sigh, not the life for me as a sexy fat chica!

I'll be happy to settle on one side of the ocean at last. And I really hope it'll be on the London side with my boy and my amazing friends.

Still, while I'm in San Francisco I plan to keep busy and occupied with Burning Man preparation, packing up my room and, in two weeks, showing the boy why I love this city as well!