3 Days and Counting

In three days, by this time, I'll be at the airport with my bags and my boy, ready to fly back to the UK. I'm happy to go back, but the feeling is bittersweet. I don't know after this trip when I'll be back, and if I'll be back. It's hard to say. KSL is running very successfully without me (which is great but makes me feel I don't have a place with it anymore), it's been difficult to maintain friendships when I've been away for 6 months, my room I was so pleased with is no longer my own. My roots there have been ripped up, and maybe it's a sign that it's time to move on.

Three days ago, my cat Squee ran out the back door and into the neighborhood. We haven't seen her since. I love this little cat and have had her in my life for about 6 years- not knowing where she is and whether she's ok is really upsetting to me, especially when I'm about to leave for the UK.

I really thought I was getting a grip on my life, my job, my home. But instead I'm back to drifting- not particularly attached to people here in California, as I'm always leaving, and not particularly attached to people in London, as I've been gone for six months. I don't feel like I belong in either place, anymore, and it's making me nervous. And kind of depressed. No, ok, not kind of. Very. While before I couldn't wait to pack, I've been dragging my heels. I'm scared to go back, but feel like I don't belong here anymore either.

3 days and counting, and I feel like I just want to curl up in the fetal position until it all goes away.

Gor vs Feminism- the battle rages on

I was just reading a post in a blog I occasionally glance over, "Ramblings of a Kajira". I'll freely admit, I am both fascinated and a little wary of Gorean dynamics, but am generally pretty happy to live and let live. An ex girlfriend of mine is now a very happily married and collared slave (not Gorean, though) and I feel confident she has the means to engage in a discourse about roles and gender. Not my thing, and I've written about why before, but whatevs.

But this one post I read on this Kajira blog really triggered some squick. It's a post about feminism, and ooooooh boy when you get Gorean slaves and hardcore feminists together it can be an interesting fight. Granted, neither really listens to the other, so it's also less of a debate and more of two monologues competing, but I digress.

So one woman posts in her blog a letter to her daughter. I've read through this letter and yeah, I pretty much agree with the points that get made- you make your own happiness, don't wait to be rescued, expect respect and give yourself that same respect, honor your intelligence. Fair enough, pretty reasonable things that media depictions of what is feminine tend to beat down with a bimbo stick.

And I came to this letter because of a blog from Emma over at Ramblings of a Kajira, a post titled "what feminism REALLY is". I'm always interested in various interpretations of feminism, especially around sexuality, considering sexiness is often wrapped up in gender essentialism. Emma's rant, however, tends to miss the point I think.

For example- "No one else can/should control you or make you happy." Emma's response is to say that this approach is detached, that of course others influence your emotions- but I think perhaps this can be better rephrased, because I think Emma is ranting about something the OP didn't say. "No one is responsible for your happiness, and happiness is not possible all the time" is perhaps a bit more accurate. Your brain isn't capable of handling serotonin non-stop- serotonin being the happy molecule. Can other people "make" you happy? No. Should you depend on others to "make" you happy? Nope. Expecting others to manage your happiness is a form of giving away personal control- and responsibility- in a way that's unhealthy and codependent. And, let's face it, many depictions of romance suggest that a man is a woman's path to fulfillment and happiness (particularly poignant around V Day), so it's fair to make a point of saying that by giving over your emotional self-control to others, you're letting them control you. And not in the obvious collar-and-leash way, but rather in subtle, often manipulative ways that don't revolve around informed consent.


Or "don't wait to be rescued". Emma seems to suggest that "being rescued" is the same as "asking for help" which is completely off the mark. Waiting for other people to fix things for you is passive and lacking in agency. Asking people to help you is active and engaging agency. Not the same thing at all! But the linking and merging of these two ideas is too common, I think, and makes people hesitate to ask for the help they need. I guess it's the difference between saying "it's ok to ask for help, but not ok to be helpless without it". Emma says,

"I think rather than teaching someone that no one else has any control, it would be better to teach that there are people in positions of power and authority over people, and to respect that authority will make them have a lot more success in life if they don’t try to fight it."

But I disagree. I think that interpersonal intelligence often involves knowing who the authority figures are, and when/how to pick those battles with them. Some battles are worth fighting, and actually can garner respect, after all. I remember reading that men get raises more often than women because they're more likely to ask for them on a regular basis. Advocating for yourself in an appropriate way will reward you- passively waiting will not.


And really, at the heart of the matter, is this rant about empowerment (biggest issue highlighted)-

"While I think women needed equal pay, equal rights, etc, we have given up so much for that. to the point that if we just want to be moms, wives, we are no longer able to do that with out being looked down on for those choices.

We aren’t allowed to be women anymore. We aren’t allowed to love, to trust, to rely on a partner, or to even be true to our natures or personalities. We have to lead even if we are wired to want to follow and trust a honorable man.

We are taught as women that men are never honorable and if we decide to allow him to lead, that we are weak and setting women back."

It's not a new argument, I guess. But it bothers me. "We aren't allowed to be women anymore" suggests that only by being moms and wives are we fulfilling our "true natures". And that is one of my major squicks with Gor. I can appreciate the nice slave positions and terms, I can overlook the terrible writing. But I am not at all ok with Gor's theory that there is One True Way to be masculine and One True Way to be feminine, and just because one girl who is mouthy and opinionated decides to attempt to alter her personality to be more passive, that this is the Natural Way of Things.

Um, no. Sorry. This whole myth of female passiveness came about as a way of controlling women as property, not because of some realization of what women need, but rather as a way of forcing women out of roles of power. It was a cultural raping of agency. It was not brought about by the women saying "oh gee I really wish I could just kneel at the feet of some awesome hunk o man flesh", but rather men saying "right, now that we're settling into towns and agricultural communities, we need to make sure that the kids our women bear are ours". It's actually pretty capitalist. Before that, nomadic communities had a lot of respect for the power of childbirth, along with the fact that by necessity everyone had to pitch in together.

There's a lot of what gets called "human nature" that isn't, really. It's culture. Made by the people who make culture (often men, often white men, often straight white well-off men). It's not natural, actually. And here is where I finally draw the line.

First off? There is a difference between love and codependence. There is. Thanks to a big media push, they may seem the same, but when you're watching chick flicks and Lifetime, you're learning a really unhealthy message- that love = codependency. Codependency is messed up, and causes unhealthy spirals of behavior that will drive you both mental and make it incredibly difficult to leave. Codependency makes love into a drug, like heroin, that's difficult to escape.

Look. If you want to be a submissive or slave, and you're your own person who can take care of themselves and be independent but want to give that over to someone else, that's awesome. Dominant folk like me are glad for submissive folk like you (but seriously, be honest- are you submissive because you want to be or because you're scared of personal responsibility?). But while that may feel natural FOR YOU, do not try to say, suggest, or hint that all others of your gender are just deceiving themselves or aren't REALLY happy because they're fighting this gender role. This Male/Female dichotomy is FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED. Sorry to burst your bubble, but not everyone fits into it, which means it's not a working model. Gender is a spectrum. Which means that male-bodied folk behave in a variety of ways, and female-bodied folk behave in a variety of ways, too. If there is a tendency among these socially constructed genders, I would argue that it has more to do with culture than nature.

I am not attracted to dominance because of OR in spite of being a woman. I am just attracted to dominance. What I've got between my legs has nothing to do with it. And feminism, at least the branch I subscribe to, is trying to get to that point- away from this idea that there's a Male Way to Be and a Female Way to Be.

Emma? Your post suggests exactly the problem, even as you try to say that feminism is supposed to protect your right to choose. Yes, feminism is about agency and choice- but then, in order to fully have agency and choice, we need to not be pressured/forced into antiquated ideas of what is masculine or feminine behavior. If you identify as masculine and you knit, it's a masculine behavior. If you identify as feminine and you change tires, it's a feminine behavior. Actions are not gendered- the way we perceive them is.

Valentine's Gift Guide for the Jaded

So with Valentine's Day fast approaching there's loads of half-acceptable candy being pushed in the shops, hearts shaped boxes that look like footballs, and cards ranging from sickeningly sweet to disgustingly tender. Ugh.

Not everyone is interested in "romance" as peddled by the folks at Hallmark.

If you're nodding at that, then this guide is for you, and the ones you want to reward on this corporate holiday for putting up with your shenanigans. Or, you know, get them a day or two early and bypass the whole thing. Cause you're better than that. Right?

First, let's start with the sweet toothed among you. Whether living or dead (like your love), these cakes by the brilliant mind of Lily Vanilli are just fabulous. You cut into this anatomical heart to expose red velvet sponge, cream cheese frosting, and blackcurrant and cherry blood. How fucking cool is that??


And they're really reasonably priced, too, at £7 per cake. But, you'll have to pick it up in London if you want one- sorry US zombies in love, you'll have to settle for real hearts.

This next thing is made by AFMetalsmith on Etsy, and it's perfect for the emotional masochist in your life who's been a bit kicked around by love. 


They're the one who listens to angry music about how they don't need a man anyway and who gives a shit about love, and then cries at movies where the woman finally gets the man after hard soul searching agony and emotional torture back and forth. You know, like any movie that calls itself a "chick flick". 


Just don't give it to someone you're breaking up with- that'd be pretty messed up. "Here's your heart back, sorry I destroyed it".

Or you could always go with the Heart Burned set from Giant Microbes. This heart shaped box of small fuzzy sexually transmitted illnesses might be just the thing for that lover who isn't as careful as they should be about getting tested.  They make a good talking point about safer sex practices. Plus. it comes with a penicillin plush, along with herpes, syphilis, HPV and gonorrhea. I usually do the Valentine's Day STI test with my lovers, but YMMV.

And let's not forget that this holiday is often all about the masculine-energied folk treating and pampering the femme folk. I say screw that gender biasing bullshit! 


Here's some nifty anatomical heart cufflinks from Moon Raven Designs for those who like wearing fancy shirts that require such things. A subtle way of saying "you stole my heart- no, seriously, now give it back, I need that to live".

Many people get to a stage at this holiday where we question everything about being a couple. It's so much goddamn pressure to be romantic in a certain day at a certain time. Loads of couples break up before Valentine's Day in order to avoid the whole mess (and how messed up is it that this article seems to suggest that the alternative of  "singles awareness day" is something best avoided?).


If you do this reflection and find your lover wanting, you may feel like getting rid of the evidence of your relationship before V Day shoves it in your face. This clever  Hand Paper Shredder from Thinkgeek should do the trick of destroying those love letters, at least until Lacuna, Inc actually exists.

Regardless if you're single or coupled (or tripled, or more) when it gets to be this holiday, one thing that's pretty nice to have any day is an orgasm. So, to fit with my jaded, love-is-dead theme, what better thing to suggest than the Death By Orgasm Vamp bullet vibe from Good Vibrations?


It comes in a coffin. If you need more of a reason than that, it's also a pretty strong bullet vibe with a soft velvety coating and three vibration settings. Plus, hello, it's waterproof! Who needs anyone or anything else when you have a great (and quiet) toy at your fingertips? Say no to this mass-marketed consumerism codependency racket and have a nice orgasm instead.


There. Now do you feel better?

Giveaway: Silicone Rose Vibe! (congrats to Katie, our winner!)

Subtle, right?

So you know that nifty vibrator that looks like a rose in a vase? The one I reviewed not long ago?


I have another one to giveaway, courtesy of Babeland Toys. Yay! It's my first giveaway- and it's open to those in the US, UK, and Canada (sorry everyone else! I'm using my gift card to cover shipping if you're in Canada or the UK, and that's all I can afford).


This is a fabulous toy, and I'm hard to please, especially with novelty toys. But this not only looks pretty, it has a vibrating silicone rosebud, a bendable stem, and a battery pack neatly hidden in a vase-like base. It's fantastic for using for partner sex, as you can sculpt it to fit between bodies- ideal if you've been reading my threesome guide and want to make it both super sexy and romantic (or if you want to try coffin sex- limited room means flexibility is a plus!). 


It's also great for people who might have difficulties with other vibrators due to disabilities, as you can make the shape ideal for what's comfy for you. The push buttons on this vibrator are also easy to use even if your fingers are slippery.


Want it, don't you? It doesn't have to be a present for Valentine's Day, though it'd work well with some baby's breath and a ribbon, maybe accompanying some chocolate. Any romantic situation will do- and hey, if you spend over $50 at Babeland, you can get a free 1oz body chocolate, so whether your tastes are slightly odd, a little evil, or mutually satisfying, you might wanna browse around.


But here, I'm getting distracted. 


I'm doing a contest here, people!

Sorry, but this giveaway is for a new toy ;)

So I'm going to be all Domme on you now and tell you that if you want to be entered into this contest, and you're doing the bonus entries, you have to comment ON THIS POST and tell me what you did, with links if possible. Only entries doing this will be counted. Additionally, if you do bonus entries please let me know what email address to count them under. Make giving things to you easy on me, ok? ;)


How do you win this sexy sexy thing?


MANDATORY ENTRY: -Visit Babeland and tell me another toy you would use with this one for a perfect Valentine's Day. This will only count once, for 1 entry, and MUST CONTAIN A WAY TO REACH YOU. If you don't, then you'll just have to keep reading this blog for the winner! :P


BONUS ENTRIES!


-Tweet about this contest! You get one entry per day.
You can copy/paste this tweet: Enter to win a Silicone Rose Vibe from @kittystryker and @Babeland_Toys http://tinyurl.com/rosegiveaway Go here for details!

Or come up with one of your own. But you MUST include a link to the contest as well as @kittystryker and @Babeland_Toys in your tweet, or I won't be able to count it.

-Become a fan of  http://www.facebook.com/Babeland.Toys (1 entry) PS- this has a bonus for you, as they're giving away a luxurious JimmyJane toy when they get 3000 followers!

-Leave a reasonable comment on either any of my blog posts or any of my toy reviews.  This comment can’t be a one word comment, or the same comment on several entries.  (No limit, but if you’re posting useless (I.E. one word or the same comment on each entry) comments, you won’t get credit- 1 entry per comment).

-Do a link exchange with me: (3 entries)

-Write a blog post about the contest including a link back to this entry (you can only do this once): (10 entries)

This contest will end Feb 1st at noon PST, and I'll announce the winner Feb 2nd via this blog and my Twitter feed. That means you should get this toy in time for V-Day, if you so desire!

Fly my pretties! And one of you will win this awesome toy!

Review: Bon Bon Vibrator

I'm always interested in vibrators that can be useful for people who have a disability, comfortable if making a fist isn't practical or if fingers are hard to manipulate.

So the Natural Contours line, particularly the Bon Bon vibe from Good Vibrations, caught my interest, as the big selling point is it's body-friendly curve and easy to use push button. And for the most part, I found this to be a really great toy- with a couple of caveats.

The body friendly curve bit is definitely true. As you'll see from the photos, it's shaped beautifully to slide around a cock or a cunt. I personally love that there's a pinpointed tip that one can use on their clit or a nipple, and as I'm not a huge fan of direct clitoral stimulation, I liked that I could hold it to my vulva or even just let a pair of panties hold it on without any difficulty. I also like that it's made of ABS plastic, so it's very smooth and slides nicely over your pink bits.

But there were two things that I didn't like about this toy.

One thing was the batteries. Putting them in was seriously a bitch- sliding the panel off was really fucking hard! I don't think it'd make the toy terribly accessible to people who have the sort of dexterity issues that made the toy appeal to me.

The other thing was the button. It's really, really easy to hit the button twice. It took multiple tries to find all four settings, since it tended to skip through two at once. Again, if dexterity isn't your strong suit, that would make this toy really frustrating.

I would love to see a toy like this that's rechargeable, though. If that existed, this would be great. The shape is really amazing. The vibration settings are high, medium, mild, and pulse- I do like that the high setting comes first! It also comes with a little storage bag, which is nice, and batteries for immediate use. It's water resistant, but not waterproof.

Would I recommend this?

It's a bit fiddly, yes, but very discreet, so yeah, I think I would. It's not terribly loud and people wouldn't guess what it was at a glance, which is handy, and it'd be great for traveling.

Check out the Bon Bon for yourself over at Good Vibrations- a sweet treat perhaps for Valentine's Day..?

Review: Man Eaters from Outer Space

The boy absolutely loves looking at this toy.

What's that, crawling over the pillow?

Why, it's the Man Eater from Outer Space, and it's invading Good Vibrations. Shocking! Horrors!

No, seriously, it's a really good quality toy and it definitely does something to make sex toys for men fun, much in the same way that Fun Factory's cute toys do for women.

This alien is a men's masturbation aid (and waterproof!) made of body-safe green PVC- no scent, either. It has three speeds that vibrate throughout the body, and they're reasonably intense. Plus, it's just really, really fun to watch a guy use this, with the little face nomming up and down your lover's cock.

It looks... surprised? Excited? Hungry? Who knows?

"At least," said the boy when I asked for his thoughts, "it's not a sleeve- I'd be a bit nervous putting my cock in a sleeve that looked like this".

Understandable, of course. Though I may try giving him the same expression the next time I go to suck his cock....

We discovered that one of the nicest things one can do with this toy is use the lips to give a little extra-firm stimulation over the cock head. This position allows the vibration to center in a more pinpointed way right on the underside, which gave some excellent sensations. Even if the eye was a little unsettling sometimes!

Another cool thing is that it's totally discreet. No one would ever guess that this a sex toy, so you could display it with your sci-fi books and your Farscape DVDs and people would just think it's another cool adult figure from Kid Robot or something.

One negative is that the button can be a little hard to press- slippery fingers will definitely struggle. And the inside of the mouth is shaped in such a way that it can easily feel like just any vibrator- using the lips in the way I describe above is a good way to use this toy's full potential.

The boy originally had some reservations, but he's kind of fond of the guy now. And he likes that I like it- cause that means I use it on him more often! It's fun, cute, and playful- it could be a little more powerful, but it's really nice to have a vibrator targeted at male vibratory pleasure. "When I use your hitachi, I feel like I'm wearing your underwear", he said, "it's nice to have a vibe that's for me, specifically". Waterproof means it's easy to clean, too, which is often a good thing with boys and their toys.

So there you have it. Are you ready for an encounter from another planet? Meet your own Man Eater from Outer Space at Good Vibrations!

Three to a Bed: Revisiting my Girl's Guide to Threesomes

thanks xkcd!

I wrote a guide a while ago with some tips on how to have threesomes focused on girls. But I wrote it almost three years ago, and as I am OMG so much older and more experienced now, I figured it might be about time to revamp it. Most of my advice is still true, granted, but there's some more stuff to be added, and as a friend on Twitter was saying how hard it was to get a threesome in the first place, and then how much harder it was for it to not end with a pintful o' crazy, I figured- why not now?


So here you go, readers. Revisited, and now edited. :)

***********************************

Threesomes are one of those intriguing things that seem to be at the forefront of sexual bucket lists for people, whether it be in the fantasies of lad mag-lovin' men, the bitter reality of couples seeking that unicorn third (the unicorn being a hot bi babe that puts out), or of course girls like me who think if one cock is good, two is even better. There's that memorable threesome with the guys in Shortbus, and the L Word has more than one in the series- everyone's getting in on the action, and have been for a while!


But honestly, it's hard enough getting ONE person into bed and figuring out their turn ons and turn offs, what positions work for your bodies, and how to be truly present. Adding another person may seem like madness- and frankly, it can be complicated. You need to be really in touch with yourself and what you hope to get out of the experience, and be able to tactfully make sure everyone else is on board. Threesomes are pretty easy to fuck up, and if you don't do some soul searching and communicating ahead of time, you'll have two people angry, not one! So listen up. And remember- these are just tips from my experience, they may serve you, they may not. It's a place to start.

Why Three?


First major thing to ask yourself (and your partner, if you have one) is why do you want to play with three people, and what're your intentions? Do you want it to be a one time thing? Do you want to see what it's like? Do you want a regular booty call? Do you want a casual relationship? Do you want a serious relationship? Do you want a triad situation, or to be the pivot point between two other people, or to be one of the people attached to a pivot point? This will give you an idea on what sort of person to look for to ask into your bed. For example, the kind of boy I'd want to invite to play with my lover and I for a one time deal doesn't have to be someone I want to talk to the next day, but if I wanted another boyfriend I'd have different expectations and desires. 


What Three?



Then of course a question to ask is what sort of threesome are you looking for? Obviously, I'm not the best person to talk to about BBB threesomes, but I'll give you my rundown of the pluses and pitfalls of the other three. And for all of these categories, be sure to know what pronouns people use, and how they like their genitalia spoken about and touched. Not everyone likes nipple stimulation or cunnilingus after all!


Note: if you are a cismale, and you want your girlfriend to entertain the idea of a threesome with another girl, it's only fair if you offer her the chance to be the meat in a boy sandwich. Just saying. 

GGB- The girls, pretty much under every imaginable circumstance, have to get on as friends at LEAST and it's preferable if they want to jump each other's bones regardless of the guy being in the room or not. I will be honest- I have not heard of a threesome involving a couple where the guy picked the girl, the two girls focused on the guy, and this didn't end in pain and tears. It is drama city, believe me. It works out much better if the two girls go at it and the boy sits on the sidelines some of the time. That scenario where the guy and girl fuck and girl #2 just sits aside and makes o faces while she masturbates? I'm sure it's happened outside of porn, but I don't recommend it unless you've specifically negotiated that scenario and/or hired the other girl (and more on hiring a sex worker for threesomes later).

As a girl joining a couple, this is fun and fine if you're ok with the lack of responsibility and emotion that comes from being a living sex toy... which is usually your function. In fact, I would say have "living sex toy" as your base expectation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing that at all- in fact that's what I loved about threesomes for a long time!- but if you expect to be treated as a lover you might feel disappointed, depending on what the negotiations indicated.

Also? Meet the girl from the couple individually for coffee or a pint first and double check what she likes, flirt with her more, play with her more. Her happiness = your pleasure = less headaches all around.

BBG- Ok, I'm going to be honest- in my experience, this is generally easier. Whether you're playing with a male couple (which is hot!) or two guys you know, they guys will generally both pay attention to you because you're the new shiny thing. This is an AWESOME thing. Plus I just haven't had the same delicate jealousy issues.


If your boyfriend is involved and it's your first time, offer to give him a blow job while the other guy licks you or fucks you- a big reason for this is to take the pressure off your bf, in case he gets nervous and has a hard time getting an erection. This little amount of care can make a potential bad experience into a triumph, and he never needs to know why you did it. Plus, you can always ask them to switch places- I do this if one guy is better endowed than the other, so guy 1 can get me a little more warmed up!

Usually, everyone can part ways and be casual afterwards, or snuggle, and it's not a big deal either way. Guys can do this sort of thing once or multiple times and not turn it into a commitment, in general. IN GENERAL. That is not a substitute for communicating with the boys involved though, ok?

GGG- If you're lucky enough to know 2 girls who enjoy group play casually, then this can be a blast. 


I highly recommend not playing with a couple or close friends, however, unless you REALLY know them and, preferably, have seen them during threesomes before. Be wary of all the things I told you about GGB threesomes, and now, double it. 

here's some suggestions

Where Three?


So, positions. This is really fucking important, people. If you want to avoid someone feeling jealous and left out, having an idea of positions that are doable on your bed (queen or bigger, please) is a big plus. I personally prefer to keep things going in such a way that no one feels left out- sitting on a guys face as the other girl rides his cock and we make out, say, or the classic spit roast (whether with silicone or flesh cocks), or the train-style fuck, where the person in the middle penetrates and gets penetrated. Yum! But generally, yeah, try to keep all three actively sexually involved. None of that "oh, I'll just watch and wank" stuff unless they really are into that. I've given up trying to get between my lover and the new shiny thing and said I'll just masturbate, even though I actually feel left out. So pay attention. This is what sex toys are for!

Extra Suggestions-

Negotiate Everything. Safer sex guidelines, who likes what kind of play, if you'll cuddle after or split up. It's important to tell your partners if you tend to cling, because that can make something fun into something rough if they aren't taking it as seriously as you. It's also important to emphasize that it's casual if it is. You never know who'll end up feeling heartbroken after. Negotiation = fun, every time!



Also, on safer sex- double check what everyone feels comfortable with safer sex wise, what they use with other lovers, when they last got tested. You might be ok with barebacking your long term boyfriend but not the new guy. This is important to bring up. Also, please refer to my blog about being sex positive when the object of your affections has a positive STI result. And remember- they might not be telling you the truth, so assume they have HPV or herpes, at least, and judge your risks from there.

Power Dynamics. These can tend to make threesomes easier, in my opinion. You pick the odd person out (the third wheel, if there's a couple, or the new person who hasn't done this before, if three acquaintances, or the least comfortable person) and the other two lavish that one with attention. Having someone in bondage can help, or having one person top the other two. Again, negotiate, and be honest about how much experience you've had with this sort of play- it CAN make things easier and more fun, but it can also blow up in your face if you don't know that someone is a rape survivor, or that someone hates being submissive. Personally, I enjoy telling my boyfriend and the third person what to do for my entertainment- by being the bitch in charge, I feel comfortable with how far things how and how quickly.

Strangers or Friends? It's a toss up whether it's better to play with people you know and trust or strangers. Some of my best threesomes have been with strangers, and sucky ones with people I care about- I had a relationship fall apart because I didn't trust my boyfriend as much as I thought I did before we had a threesome. I've also had relationships blossom with couples, much to our surprise. I've also had strangers become stalker-like, or fallen for someone I had sex with and felt miserable after. Like I said, be honest with yourself and those playing with you. And if you're playing with friends, understand that something may end up happening and bruising your friendship. Did I mention negotiating? Do that. Also, consider making a plan to do something normalizing afterwards, if you're doing it with someone you expect to see again, like going to dinner a day or two later or seeing a movie. If it's awkward, better to discuss it sooner rather than let it fester. And if it wasn't, then the sooner you compare notes, the sooner it can happen again!

Guy picks Guy, Girl picks Girl. If you're a couple looking to play with a third, I find it helps if the same sex partner picks the other person. This seems to cut down on jealousy. Plus it can make browsing for potentials more fun, and reassures the person being picked up that yes, you're all in for it and interested in having a good time. On that note...

Consider a Sex Worker. Not only will a quality sex worker be pretty likely to stay up to date on their sexual health and safety, they'll have some experience making threesomes fun for everyone involved already. It can make it easier and safer emotionally for a couple to explore this sort of play if they don't have to worry about #3 calling at all hours. You might learn some new techniques, too! 


Boundaries. Some people consider "their bed" sacred, not for that sort of play, and a hotel might better suit- others don't care. I love doing threesomes at parties, because parties have a finite end point, and it creates a container for the play that I can then leave afterwards with my primary. That might make it feel more comfortable. Also, talk about who buys the safer sex supplies? Will drinking or substance use be involved? Remember that while I am not a n00b to combining threesomes with some substances, people under the influence cannot legally consent. Know your boundaries, and your lovers boundaries!

Take Care of Yourself. If you're the couple, it helps to spend some time afterwards just the two of you, doing something sweet together and reconnecting. If you're the odd girl out, it helps to hang out with friends after, or do something frivolous and fun- helps to lighten the intensity and makes you feel a little less lonely if that happens to you. Always have this planned BEFORE the threesome, so you aren't disappointed by your friends being busy. It can be a great rush followed by an intense fall, emotionally, so make sure to take care of yourself.

This all might sound like a crazy amount of information for someone just looking to get a little threesome nookie. However, these tips are here to give you the benefit of my many, many threesome experiences- when it goes well, it can be incredibly fun- extra tongues, extra fingers, extra hotness and something new can make a sexual experience boil over with sexy. Some of the most mind-blowing sex I've had has been with couples or with a third- it can be playful and fun, and treat it right, you can have that fun over and over again.


So go forth, my lovelies. You have two hands, why not have someone benefiting from each of them?

Introducing: StrapItOn Saturday!

I always seem to miss Half Naked Thursday and often miss Fucktoy Friday.

So, instead, I'm going to talk a little about StrapItOn Saturday.

Yesterday, after a long long time of wanting one, I finally got my first soft packer (oh, yeah, and obviously, I finally bought a camera). I love genderfuck so much, and as I had recently gotten myself the Joque harness, I wanted to be able to pack. The Joque, mind, isn't the best for this, or meant for it- it's a strap on harness- but it made me feel more boyish.

Now, I am a femme. Femme-y femme femme femme. Like a drag queen magpie, I am often instantly attracted to glitter, hot fucking pink and shiny shiny shoes. I do not generally do butch because I have an insane waist to hip ratio (waist- 32" hips- 50") and therefore the only things that make me look halfway butch would be so baggy I wouldn't wear it. In my mind, I'm a dapper dandy, with lots of tweed and ascots and cufflinks. In reality, I worry if I tried for that I would just look like a British mafia boss with a Victoriana fetish. It's one of the times my fat gets in the way, because I am all hips, thighs, and giant tits.

Even though it might take some suspension of disbelief, however, I've desperately wanted to give my inner fag a chance to come out and play. And yesterday I got my first chance when I got a tan softpack, a really nice strap on black cock, and combined those with my Joque harness. And it felt kind of hot, and kind of weird. I felt a lot like I did when I was first exploring femme- like I wanted to do it justice and do it right, but with a weird sinking guilt that I was, in fact, doing it Wrong. Like there was something I should read first on how to be a boy, or a girl, or a combination of the two.

It's weird in my head sometimes. There's a lot of arguing and debate. I think some bits of my brain are queerer than thou and others are trying to calm me down, saying it's ok to explore.

Anyway. I've dated a few butches, and sleep with some FTMs, so there were some things I had to get to start me off. Having bound my chest with cling film before and found that to be successful but not comfortable, I got a really tight sports bra to give that a go instead. I found some mens boxer briefs I liked. A baggy teeshirt and the boy's jacket, along with some baggy jeans, completed the clothing part. I wasn't happy with my hair, which is long and not very boyish at all, or my glasses, which didn't hide my cheekbones- but baby steps, right? And this was mainly, for me, a chance to play around with queer masculinity.

I put in the softpack first. It was awkward because I was putting it into a strap on harness and they're very squishy, so it was easy to pull out. After some adjustment I managed it, and put my underwear on over. I actually really liked that. It was both exciting and kind of scary for me- femme has been such a huge part of my life that the idea of finding something I click with in butchness is probably going to lead me into another identity crisis. It felt... right, in a way. And that almost felt wrong. I'm happily female-bodied, and don't want to fetishize trans experience or treat it as a novelty. But all that didn't stop me from feeling comfortable with this new me.

Having the boy fondle my cock through my jeans and then through my boxer briefs was hot, if a little too soon. I think I need some time to pack and just be pacing, without a sexual context, so I get used to that. And seeing him pull my cock out and suck on it was... endearing. Having someone lovingly tongue your flaccid cock feels very caring and loving. There's no doubt that I felt attached to this cock, that it became a part of me.

Wanting to try my other cock, I changed them out. The one issue with the erect dildos, for me, is that I tend to like the non-realistic ones, but they obviously don't match the softpack. This means my cock goes from tan to black in these photos, and that's a little weird, but I can't pack my erect cock, it looks obscene!

This cock is kind of big. The cock I identify with, the one that's been "my cock" for a long while, is a black rubber one I got in London. It's average, about 6", nothing too crazy, not too thick. Well, this new cock is massive. I felt almost embarrassed by the size of it, to be honest, as I'm not a size queen and don't really indulge in that sort of thing. But it's got a great feel to it. I might grow into it as I get more confident in my boy self. Last night, though, I just blushed and squirmed when the boy told me how hung I was.

The other thing I need to work out is that my cock never sits over my clit. Harnesses just don't do that comfortably for me, and I wonder if I'm not wearing it quite right or what. It's be nice to get a physical rush when getting a hand job, not just an intellectual one. But this is definitely something I'm going to explore more. I just need to work out a more masculine name- "Kitty" is about as far away as you can get!

Femme Fatale: A Valentine's Story

She lets her satin robe slide, ever so slowly, off her shoulders, letting you have a glimpse of burgundy lambskin strapped seductively to her curves. One finger, the nail deliciously painted to match the strap on harness, points wordlessly to the luxurious throw spread out over the bed, but her smile is wicked and eyes sparkling. You kneel on the bed and she wraps leather around your wrists, clipping them together behind your back. Then she pulls out the blindfold, kissing you on each eyelid before slipping you into darkness.

"Happy Valentine's Day, lover", she whispers in your ear, her hair brushing against your naked shoulders. Her fingers wind themselves into your hair, and she mischievously instructs you to stay...very...still... as you feel cold metal press against your neck...

If this piqued your interest (or other bits) you might want to check out Babeland's other romantic gift guides. Each one has a delicious little snippet of story to give you an idea how to incorporate the toys mentioned into a hot, seductive scenario. And let your imagination run wild!

Review: Silicone Rose Vibe

"A rose by any other name" might smell as sweet, but will it pleasure in the same way? I know I've enjoyed a romantic flogging with long stemmed thorn-filled roses- mm, all those petals and blood for Valentine's Day before, but this silicone rose vibrator from Babeland is upping it a level!

Novelty vibrators are always a bit risky. A cute gimmick does not, necessarily, a good sex toy make, and I've had one or two that looked cute but didn't get the job done.

This rose, on the other hand, has both aesthetics and functionality- the rosebud itself is made of silicone (though the stem is not, so it's more of an external use toy). The stem, however, is bendable, making this an ideal toy for someone with disabilities or wrist issues, since you can make it hit right where you want to. The bendable stem also makes it useful for partner sex, as it's got a long reach! And as someone who often gets their hands pretty slippery during play, I found the push-button on the bottom to be ideal for cruising through the different modes (three speeds and seven vibration patterns).

All in all, I'd say this is a great toy, especially with Valentine's Day coming up. Presented with some baby's breath and greenery, it's a bouquet to take anyone's breath away! Get the only rose you'll need for romance at Babeland.

Sex Positive? Not if Your Test Results are Positive.

"Sex positive community"?

I'm calling you out.

Something that has always bothered me is how the "sex positive community" has responded to openness about STIs. We claim, as a community, to value honesty, upfrontness, and safer sex- and yet I can't recall the last person who, before asking me on a play date, mentioned that they have HPV or herpes. And frankly? That's statistically improbable, if not impossible. And guess what? Condoms don't protect against these things, so the sex positive community version of safer sex (which, in practical terms, usually filters down to "using a condom for penetrative sex vaginally or anally") doesn't do much. And have you heard about trichomoniasis? That can spread with vulva to vulva contact, along with the expected unprotected sex. It's a parasite. And, likes herpes and HPV, they usually won't test for it unless you ask/demand it- men almost never have symptoms, and women only sometimes.

So basically, what I'm saying is SOMEONE probably should've said "hey, I have ____ by the way". But magically, in my multiple years in this "sex positive" community, the times I've been told about an STI or unsafe sex creating a risk? I could count them on both hands. I doubt those are the only times there's been a possibility of transmission. So what's going on, guys?

I think that in spite of our desire to be open about these things, as a community, we still shun those who have an ongoing STI. I think it's still scary for us, the idea of having something for the rest of our lives, something that we can transmit to others. I'm a child post-AIDS scare, more in the world of HIV awareness, and I wonder sometimes if there's a carefree attitude that comes with not seeing people around you dying of a sexually transmitted infection of some sort. And yet I'm concerned that it seems this community is blasé about safer sex risks until someone says "by the way, I got tested and I have HPV"- and then, slowly, politely, but inevitably, the play dries up for that person, they don't get invited to the parties, they're shunned. So no wonder they don't say anything if they have something. It's not right, or ethical, but it kind of makes sense. We don't reward honesty.

And yet I've seen people squirt all over a bed with no care for the mess and the risks involved, or give oral sex to someone they just met (even more than one person in a row), or finger someone and then reach for the bowl of condoms. What's up with that?

I remember a group called "I Got Tested", the idea being that it was a place for people to talk about safer sex, talk about getting tested and the results, and alleviating some of that fear with up to date information. And even there, I see posts about how to alleviate "safer sex fatigue", or people suggesting that since 7 out of 10 people have HSV1 it's ok not to mention it. And when it comes to some of the harder stuff, like how to deal with being out about having HIV and yet being bisexual or a swinger or poly or kinky, there's no comment or the comments had to be provoked. Again, what's going on?

Well, I've had enough of this silence. I'm a sex worker, for fuck's sake. I have to be on top of ALL and ANY risks all the time for the sake of myself, along with my lovers and clients. I assume that everyone has everything unless they've proven to me otherwise- and you know what? There's a LOT you can do with that! Having an STI doesn't make you a leper. Safer sex is hot sex, people- dental dams, condoms, gloves- these things are fun to use, when you know how to use them and experiment with them. Can we stop treating these things as inconveniences? I was so angry when Fetlife said about filling in your password "it's like condoms, annoying but necessary". WTF? Can we turn this fear-mongering among our own people around, please, for all our sakes?

So I'm issuing a challenge. A call to arms. Get tested. Tell them you are a needle sharing sex worker who sleeps with HIV + men if that's what it takes to get them to test for everything- and insist on herpes and HPV tests. When you go to a play party, bring your own condoms, lube, gloves and dental dams. Volunteer to use them- hell, make them sexy to use (just make sure your lover doesn't have a latex allergy- extra points if you have safer sex options for that instance too). Don't get too intoxicated at parties and then say "oh I'm sure it's ok" instead of being upfront. Bring it up casually when you're interested, instead of waiting until things are hot and heavy. Even better, make talking about testing, status and safer sex part of your sexy foreplay.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I give uncovered blow jobs or cunnilingus. I have unprotected sex with the boy when on hormonal birth control. I keep up to date on what the risks are of these activities and I get tested every three months. Yes, something could slip through the cracks- but because I tell prospective lovers about my work, when and how I have unsafe sex and how I have safer sex (along with the practices of my lovers, which I know and can tell in detail if needed), the results of my testing, what I get tested for, and when I got tested last, my prospective lovers can decide if my risk assessment works for them or if it doesn't. We can negotiate. Hell, I had chlamydia once and it's now just that bit easier for me to catch an STI- I tell them that too.

Risk assessed safer sex CAN ONLY HAPPEN when everyone is comfortable demanding FULL testing, saying what their status is freely without fear, and everyone can give INFORMED CONSENT. Get it? If you're not doing these three things (and you know if you are or not) and expecting it in return, then you are not giving people the chance to give informed consent to what you do. You're removing their agency.

And that's not sex positive.

So, let's step it up. We're better than this. Aren't we?

Sex Worker? Blogger/Writer? I Need You by Sunday!

If you can’t get to New York to see or perform in the monthly live event, the Blog Carnival is a way for sex workers and their allies to participate in the Red Umbrella Diaries from afar. Every month, we do a carnival of pieces of writing on the upcoming event’s theme and then Audacia Ray picks her favorite to read at the event and record for the podcast.

For the next event, which takes place on Feb 3, the theme is The Price of Love. I'm looking for stories about love- girlfriend experiences, falling for clients or vice versa, maintaining relationships with partners while being a sex worker. I want the good, the bad, the painful and the joyous.

Your piece should be up to 700 words long, and can previously published on your own blog or elsewhere. I can conceal your identity if you send me a piece that you can’t put your name on. The themes can be interpreted all kinds of different ways, I love to see creativity. I know it's last minute, but I need all entries by Jan 28th. Email them to kitty@redumbrellaproject.com

This is a great way to get some traffic onto your blog or other publication! ProDomme, escort, stripper, peep show person, cam girl or boy, porn performer-if you identify or have identified as a sex worker, you're welcome to submit. I actively want diversity too!

Review: Rabbit Habit

I have never owned a rabbit vibrator in my life. I've seen the Sex and the City episode, of course, and I've had lots of vibrators of all kinds. Hell, my first vibrator was a Squiggle-Wriggle Writer when I was twelve, if anyone remembers those! And I had a similar style of vibe, but really thick, and light up, and impractical... and, of course, without the iconic bunny. There's loads of different kinds now- the traditional style with a separate battery pack, the bullet style, and the super sleek abstract style, to name a few.

Babeland asked me if I wanted to give the Elastomer Rabbit Habit a whirl, and I said "hell yes!" I've been meaning to check one out for a while to see what I think of them. I'll admit- I was a little apprehensive, as I can be a sex toy snob and the rabbit seemed... well, normal. I mean, SinC, am I right?

This toy had two very different components. And, on my body at least, I couldn't get the full effect of either component at the same time. Frankly, that's just as well, because this baby was INTENSE. When I tried using both bits at the same time I squealed and scooted across the bed.

The idea of a rabbit vibrator is that there's a vibe bit, often with a separate control, that stimulates the clitoris, attached to a shaft that has pearls in it to stimulate the opening of the vagina, which can be very sensitive. This particular rabbit had pearls on tracks, so they rotate consistently and have their own control, so they can go as quickly or as slowly as you like. Then there was the rabbit itself, an incredibly powerful bullet wrapped in elastomer in the bunny shape, with ears that caress your clit. Again, it has an adjustable speed, so you can have a slower vibe or a quick and very intense one!

I found the highest setting on the bunny bullet to be WAY too much for me, but the lower settings were glorious, especially with the ears against my clit and the nose for pinpoint sensation. The one thing I struggled with, though, is that if I could feel the pearls in my vagina, the bunny was too close to my clit for me to feel comfortable- it was just too much. Every woman's physical makeup is different, however, and I think it's definitely worth a try.

Having used one of these rabbits, I can see how they appealed to so many women. By combining two toys into one, it gave many women a jumping off place for discovering what they wanted from a sex toy- clitoral stimulation, insertion, or both. And because the two bits are controllable on their own, that makes it easier to isolate what exactly you enjoy. However, using the bunny ears and the internal stim at the same meant that the vibration was lessened in both (one battery pack to control two motors, so not surprising really).

The Elastomer Rabbit Habit is latex and phthalate free, unlike some other Rabbits, so it's safe for those with sensitivities. It doesn't have a weird smell, either. It's a nice toy, though a bit big to hide easily under a pillow or in a drawer!

This is a great foreplay toy for me, though I have to admit giving my boy access to a rabbit for use on me was not the best idea (it's kind of hardcore for partner play, cause the controls are a bit touchy). I'd definitely recommend having it in your toybag, because it appeals to so many women!

Hop down the bunny trail with the Elastomer Rabbit Habit from Babeland today!

Year 27: Birthdays and Sick Days

So on Saturday, it was my 27th birthday. Sometimes this is really hard for me to believe- I still feel a bit like an 18 year old, or sometimes, like I'm 40. I've been called totally immature and an old soul. Maybe both are true. Maybe neither. But each year I'm happy to be older, to have more experience and life under my belt- I hope I maintain that joy my whole life.

Grandma was away, which meant I could have people over. I haven't had a party at Grandma's house since I was 20 or so! I got a little frantic about decorating, but we had some fun with netting, my ocean themed stuffed animals, some big underwater cutouts and some seashells- I had a uniform theme party, Ms. Stryker's 27 Person Salute, and I was a sailor girl! The boy also had a sailor outfit and we looked adorable together. We made strawberry and lemon cupcakes, which were delicious, and sat down to wait.

It was maybe an hour after the start of the party before anyone showed up, but then, wow! It was a huge number of people from all the various areas of my life, which was really flattering and fun. One friend brought his big bus to park out front as a portable smoking lounge, which was kind of great. We watched Mash XXX    and Glee XXX, giggled, drank, and indulged. It was really fun.

As per usual, I realized that I don't do well trying to throw my own orgies. If it's a big event, with a budget, and lots of people, I'm golden- but if it's for me? Terrible! I get distracted with the hosting, stressed by the setting up, and worried that my guests don't feel like I'm paying enough attention to them. So I end up not doing anything sexual, or not much, and just encouraging others. I become a cheerleader. And don't get me wrong, that's really fun! But...

Year 27 came with a lesson. I no longer need many sexual partners to feel sexually complete or fulfilled. My nonmonogamy comes from giving my heart to more than one person who I really care deeply for- not because I want to spread my seed. In fact, I want the opposite. I want intimacy, closeness, love- if I want to get off, I'm more likely to wank!

And I'm glad. I used to be a massive slut as a way to deal with my insecurity around my body and my ability to please and keep a partner. I no longer worry about that. I worry more about if I'm really learning the lessons the universe tosses my way, but I think this party really let it sink in- I'm happy with my boy. I'm happy with my ponychick. I enjoy flirting and occasionally fucking other people, but generally- sex is special, and I want it to be special. I'm already picky about my clients, and I'm picky about who I have involved in my life, and I want to keep that up. I don't ever want to make someone feel google-calendared into my life, and I don't want that done to me. I do really think I can be happy with nonmonogamy instead of poly or mono,

Now, I totally have tonsillitis. Ugh! It's all soup and tea and resting. But thankfully I have the boy here to make me hot things and set up my humidifier and clean up the house and cradle my drooling head. Ah, love, eh? And fuck this post birthday illness. But I can't wait to get back to the UK, esp since I'll be looking at new rooms in better areas for me. Fingers crossed. 27? You're gonna be a good year. I can tell.

Review: "This Ain't Glee XXX"

Ok, I know. I posted a review today. But I couldn't wait.

I just saw (ok, live tweeted) "This Ain't Glee XXX", a porn I was super excited for because they have musical numbers (I kid you not). 

It was... ok. Actually, the first scene between Sue (Nikki Hunter) and Tina (Miko Sinz) was amazing. It was really, really hot, and amazingly dyke-y for a Hustler flick- Sue packs a big cock and makes Tina "take it for Glee". It's basically the best scene in the porn. I wish there had been a lot more of Sue- fucking the renamed "Cheery-Hos" perhaps? But after that I was saddened to see the rest of Glee XXX become kind of standard, sex scene-wise. It was unfortunate but not surprising that Hustler removed Kurt and Artie from the lineup, and that Mercedes (Samone Taylor), while present, only gets to sing and show off her ass- no sex for her. :/ 

I was disappointed that Santana and Britney (credited here as Cheerleaders 1 and 2, played by McKenzee Miles and Alexa Nicole) weren't really played up as bisexual. Their FFM threesome with Puck (John Espizedo) was very typical Hustler fare, with them porn kissing and focusing on Puck's cock instead of each other. Also, Principal Biggins (James Bartholet) is seriously painted orangey tan. Um... ok...

There's a sweet but slow scene between Will (Chad Diamond) and Emma (Scarlett Fay) that's lovely, but very long. The chemistry is nice, though. 

The songs were not bad, actually. There's only 3, and they're pretty funny (and terribly catchy, I warn you now). The Journey parody, sung by Quinn (Tara Lynn Foxx) and Finn (Tucker Slane) pre sex scene, suggests that perhaps Quinn is pregnant because Finn isn't entirely sure how one gets pregnant (he sings that he hopes she's on the pill this time... but she's ALREADY PREGNANT). Finn's dance moves are something special, though. 

The big finale is Rachael (Andy San Dimas dressed PERFECTLY, btw) played somewhat aggressively and seducing Will. I generally love Andy's work but... again, I felt like this porn could've gone a lot further and had more fun with itself and yet... fell short. I think if it had been made by a bunch of Gleeks it would've helped immensely. 

The behind the scenes, though, was pretty nifty. Especially watching Quinn having a spot popped by one of the guys, and watching Puck and Finn practice pole dancing moves.

Would I wank to it? Probably not. Would I show it to all my Gleek friends, and will I be bringing it to a Glee party in February? You better believe it!

Get your Gleek on at Good Vibes.