Review: Body Chocolate

With the boy in London and me here in SF, I wasn't sure when and why I would have the opportunity to try body chocolate from Babeland, but after my experience trying to eat chocolate scented body cream, I think they felt bad for me and sent me edible stuff. :)

But when the pup's away the Kitty will play... and I realized I was going to be shooting at Crash Pad, something I had wanted to do for a year, and thought "aha! What a great time to play with some body chocolate!" especially as my co-star, Mendhi Henna, loves food play and body painting. Ideal, right?

Silly me, I didn't think about the fact it might look like poo on camera. Whoops!

When I realized I made sure the video camera caught me dipping my finger into the pot of body chocolate. Just in case.

The body chocolate was initially a bit firm and solid, making it hard to spread on Mendhi's skin. After a few swipes of my finger, however, it was smooth and slick and fun to draw little pictures with. I loved making chocolate patterns on her breasts, tummy and thighs, following my little trails with my tongue. How feline! She seemed to enjoy it too, writhing and moaning as I went.

I did end up letting her have a taste of the body chocolate, which I thought was awfully generous as it was really tasty! It was a darker chocolate, which was nice because I like real chocolate, not Hershey syrup. And this was real chocolate- vegan, organic, free trade and delicious.

Because of that it might solidify on you- heat helps, so you can put the little jar into some warm water ad it'll become easy to use in no time. This body chocolate has an 18 month shelf life, though I doubt it'll last that long!

It does have coconut oil in it, so if you don't like or are allergic to coconut this isn't for you. However, if, like me, you love coconut, it's just that bit more delicious!

Mmm. Isn't it time for dessert...?

Thanks Babeland for letting me try the edible body chocolate in exchange for a fair review, and Crash Pad for amazing photos. Check out more over on their site- Season 15, episode 104!

Safe/Ward: A "What You Can Do" Guide for Community Leaders

The Consent Culture Logo,
by Tom Ker-Oldfield

Earlier I wrote a guide for community members on how to help to promote consent culture and reject rape culture within their communities. All of that advice is valid for this discussion too:


-Admit it Happens
-Be Aware of Creepiness
-Listen
-Negotiate... and Stick To It
-Be Heard Calling "Bullshit"


Again, you can read more about these headings, and what I mean by them, here.


Community leaders, you should be doing those things. But there's a few extra things I think you should consider when hosting or running an event or an event space- as someone who has hosted multiple events in both SF and London, these are things I've learned myself from experience. 


Take them or leave them, but I definitely suggest you have a think about them. Ready?


Make Your Rules Clear To Everyone


You know user agreements? Most people glance over them, say "yeah yeah yeah" and click "I've read and understand the TOS" without really reading it. They're held responsible for knowing the TOS anyway, but they don't really read it. 


That happens a lot in play spaces I've been in. The rules are listed somewhere in the front, by the door, where people give it a quick glance and say they know the rules without really checking in with them. They want to get into the party, after all! Performers are often not read the rules at all. And once you get into the play space, the rules aren't clearly restated again anywhere. This creates multiple possible issues- people don't really know the rules and aren't likely to return to the doorway to read them more thoroughly, things that are against the rules are harder to reference without the help of a DM or host, and it's easier for a predator to say innocently that they didn't know it wasn't ok, or they forgot.


So what do you do? Well, two playspaces I've gone to have great methods for this. Both had their rules online, and they either encouraged or insisted that you read them before you come along. Secondly, both had a way or checking in with you at the door- one space made you sign in on a copy of the rules every time, and they would tell you to read them again, because you would be held accountable for them. The other space reads an abridged version of the rules to everyone who comes to the party, no matter how long you've been coming. This means that you get a verbal confirmation that every party guest knows the rules, and it makes it clear that these rules are important. It also makes the hosts life easier- if someone breaks a rule, you can say "you broke this rule, you knew that was a rule, and that's not ok". The social agreement has been made.


Another thing I've found interesting is asking the community for ideas on what the rules should be. This can take some time, but it allows you to build a list of rules for behaviour at the party that works for your specific event and helps people feel invested. Get your community involved, and figure out what values are important to you all and what issues need addressing.


Have Your Rules Posted INSIDE The Playspace


Similar to the above- if the rules are reiterated inside the playspace somewhere (like the social area) it can reaffirm that these rules are important and make it accessible for everyone to read. It also enables party-goers to point to rule #5 and say "this is a rule for this space, and you agreed to it in order to be here, please follow it".


Think About Safewords


I think it's a bad idea to tell people that they shouldn't "abuse the house safeword". On this, I can only speak to personal experience, but... it made me reluctant to speak up when my boundaries were crossed because I didn't want to "make a fuss", which is so frowned upon by the community. When you're in a scene, and you've safeworded and your partner keeps going, you may sit and try to figure out in your head "yes, this is serious, but is it serious enough that other people won't accuse me of abusing the house safeword and being melodramatic?" And that can be dangerous.


Also remember- just because someone didn't safeword doesn't mean that their experience of abuse isn't valid. Trauma manifests in a lot of ways, one of the most common being disassociation. Speaking at all, much less saying a safeword, can be impossible. I would suggest recommending negotiation before play as a more consistent way to avoid boundary violation than just "having a safeword". Safewords do not always protect you.


Consider having a PAL/Buddy System 


Kinky Salon had a few ways of dealing with issues before they settled on the PAL system. I think it's inspired, and here's why- rather than having a single guy policy (which makes men feel resentful, entitled, and/or penalized for being male, while ignoring women who break rules) the PAL system means that everyone's vouching for each other. Also, if there's an issue, the PAL system says that both the perp and their PAL get spoken to- no one likes to be told off in front of friends. Self-policing is extremely effective in general, and then hosts/DMs can fill in the cracks. It also allows for hosts to address an issue less formally first- "hey, I see your PAL is getting a little gropey, can you speak to them please?" can stop a problem before it gets out of hand.


Personally, Kinky Salon London has a database of names and photos of every member of our party, which allows us to pinpoint who we've had a complaint about if necessary. I understand that's not practical for every space, but it's certainly worth thinking about- if there's an issue with G, and I don't know what G looks like, I might get the wrong G when I talk to someone! Have a privacy policy around this and guard it with your life. We don't make people give their real names, for example, so they maintain anonymity, but we have their photo, their email, and the name they sign up with. Again, it's a great way to encourage self-policing.


Make Your Hosts/DMs Accessible and Diverse


One problem I've had with dungeon parties and the occasional swinger space is that the hosts are often chatting with a group of their friends. This is why I'd suggest having people other than the main hosts who act as a welcoming community and are equipped to deal with issues- it allows the main hosts to have fun at their party while also giving people someone accessible to speak to. DMs often come off a bit like police- they're waiting in case something happens, so may not be able to be as chatty when on shift- hosts can help with that by talking to wallflowers and introducing people to other people. This can greatly reduce the lurking that can happen at parties and helps make everyone feel included.


I also would suggest trying to have some diversity in your hosts/DMs. If I've just had an issue with a dominant male, I will probably feel uncomfortable chatting with another dominant male if I have an issue. And remember- sometimes the problem person IS the DM/host, so having more than one can mean there's a outlet if that happens. It's also great to rotate these volunteers if you can, because another potential issue is that the person causing trouble may be friends with a couple of the hosts/DMs and if those hosts/DMs are the same at every party it can feel pretty unsafe.


Don't Be Afraid to Put Your Foot Down


"But people really like him..." "But she's following the letter of the law, if not the spirit..." "But he's such a great volunteer..." But but but. There's a lot of buts I've heard when trying to talk to a host about an issue at an altsex space. People make excuses for the behaviour of others all the time. As a host, you need to be objective and think about this differently. Because, lets face it, if there's a sexual assault and the cops get called (which is reasonable, by the way) you run the risk of losing your space and your ass is on the line, so it's in your best interest to listen. Most government/police officials would love to see altsex spaces shut down.


Putting your foot down is one of the hardest parts. You may have to tell a pillar of the community that their behaviour is inappropriate and they need to leave. You may have to ban someone that's well-liked. You may have to tell someone that rape jokes can be triggering, or that refusing to use someone's chosen pronouns isn't ok. You may have to delete a thread and people will complain. But you are a leader and will just have to take that on, because you have a responsibility to maintain a safe space. If being popular is more important that creating the safest space you can, you may want to reconsider hosting events.


Tell People What They're Doing Wrong


This one is near and dear to my heart. At KSL we have a yellow card/red card system which allows us a system in how we deal with issues. A yellow card issue is one that's problematic or against one of the rules (getting too intoxicated, say, or touching without permission) and you get a warning. If you do not heed that warning ad keep behaving the same way, you get a red card and are banned, usually from the next event, though for certain circumstances you may be banned for longer. When we give a yellow or red card, we explain why, without naming names, by indicating what on the charter they broke and why that's not acceptable. Because yeah, people fuck up, altsex spaces are not the norm for a lot of people and (at least in theory) we consider consent to be a value in a way that society often does not. By telling someone what they're doing wrong and how to fix it, you can offer them the chance to learn and do better next time. If you just kick them out of your community and don't explain why, they may go to another one and do the exact same thing, having learned nothing.


Know Your Shit About Sexual Assault


As a host, you and your DMs should have some first responder training to know what to do if you are speaking to the victim of sexual assault. I can imagine people saying "oh, but I just know what to do!" No, you probably don't. You take first aid classes, and make your DMs take those, so first responder training should just add that extra bit that is incredibly important. Here in California, consider talking to San Francisco Women Against Rape about getting some training and information, because I can promise you that some of the things you need to know to do are not what you expect. Look into rape awareness and first responder training in your area.


I would go so far as to say if you want to (as I hear so often) "address these issues as a community", then you need to know how to support the victim first rather than address the perp first. You need to know how to listen to what the victim needs to feel safe. You need to understand that abuse is scary and sometimes the story changes because your brain blocks things or changes things around in order to cope with trauma. And you definitely need to consider that telling a victim that they're being dramatic is unacceptable. Refer to aforementioned blog- admit that this happens, even in your community, even with people you know, even at your party- and get some training to help you deal with it.


Have Resources Clearly Available


Consider having flyers by all the other flyers about how BDSM is not abuse and abuse is not BDSM. The National Leather Association's Domestic Violence Project has some great resources on offer, including pamphlets, postcards and a hotline. Have some cards for Kink Aware Professionals. Have cards for Consent Culture (when we finally get it up and running) as Maggie Mayhem and I will have a list of resources for people there. If you have a suggested resource please link me to it and I'll add it to this. Resources let people have some space to get the help they need if they're intimidated asking in person.


Remember: You Are Being Watched


You are a community leader, or a host, or a DM. Other people are watching you. If you're smacking asses without permission, or cracking jokes about raping people, or victim-blaming, other people pick up on that and decide it's ok to do. This is a great example of how NOT to do it on Fetlife. If you don't speak up about a problem or don't call someone out on their shit, people are watching you do that and deciding how to handle issues themselves based on that. If you don't follow up a boundary violation with clear action or make excuses for a predator, people will realize that you aren't to be trusted with that information. Some won't come to you. Some won't come to your spaces at all. You have a responsibility to go above and beyond when it comes to holding people accountable and creating integrity in your community- that's what being a leader is all about.


I hope this is helpful to people, and please, if you're in the Bay Area, come to Maggie's and my workshop August 4th "Safe/Ward: Combating Abuse in the BDSM Community". Even if you're altsex, or a swinger, this workshop can give you some important information. Plus we have some pretty amazing raffle prizes. :) It's listed on Fetlife and Facebook- the guestlist is anonymous and will not show up on your wall. 

Review: The Captain

So after the First Mate, I wanted to get my hands on the next big thing- the Captain dildo from Good Vibrations, which they kindly sent my way for review.

The Captain is a big boy. A very big boy for someone like me who has a love of thickness but a shallow vaginal canal!

At 7 1/2" long, and 1 7/8" girth, this is not a beginners toy. This is for someone who is, maybe not a size queen, but a size princess. Use a water-based lube and take your time. If you do, you'll be very glad you did.

The Captain was fantastic for stimulating my g-spot. I squirted all over my bed as I thrust it into myself, and squirting is a good sign of a great toy. Just the right balance of firm but not too firm to rub my g-spot til I couldn't see anymore.

No, that's not why I wear glasses (well, maybe... I'm still waiting on hairy palms, though, I think they'd be fun!)

It's a nice, firm silicone with some beautiful veiny texture that makes for a really nice fuck. And the weight is substantial- I really liked the feel of it in my hand. In a harness it's a little heavy, but not too much to wear comfortably. I personally wouldn't pack with it though because of the size!

I'd recommend the Captain for vaginal and anal play, though take it slowly and use lots of lube. I liked it vaginally at the end of a masturbation session- I doubt I would've been able to handle it until after an orgasm, but then, it's heavenly. I'm hoping to get a chance to open the boy's ass up enough to take a bigger cock, and this may well be the one I choose! The defined head would suggest it'd be great for p-spot stimulation.

Care instructions! As per usual, silicone means no silicone lubricant or you can ruin the dildo. It can be washed with toy cleaner, the top rack of the dishwasher, or hot water and soap.

I chose a black one, but they come in vanilla, caramel and chocolate as well if you want something a little more realistic.

The Captain is a great dildo for those who want to go a little bigger. It's not over the top, but a really pleasurable balance of length and width.

Thank you Good Vibes for letting me review the Captain in exchange for an honest review!

Safe/Ward Blog Carnival (trigger warning)

Photo from IB Times

I wanted to take a moment to draw attention to some other blog posts about BDSM and abuse that stood out to me. I don't want to write a lot of commentary on them, just present them for you to peruse (or not) as you wish. Why? Because mine is not the only voice, and it's hard to tell a growing number of people that they're alone in this.

One of the other reasons I’m writing about it is this: the bdsm community has no tolerance for someone voicing an ugly truth. I know that I’ll be called a liar in some circles, derided by some for “airing my dirty laundry”. That hurts. It is a community I care about, for all of the good in it, and one I feel betrayed by at the same time because I’ve seen people in my position before, also staying silent. I’ve seen people who don’t stay silent further punished for daring to speak.

Eight years to even have the courage to write this much.

-More on BDSM and Abuse, Jane Says 

In the ten years between then and now, I’ve stubbornly refused to let what happened stop me from being sexually active. I’ve pushed myself harder and harder to be loudly, visibly sex-positive. I got a job as a phone sex operator, and made plans to get even deeper into sex work. Sex was important and wonderful and I was NOT going to let some bad experiences ruin it for me forever. I took pride in being able to get through triggering sex with little outward sign.

Push harder, went my thinking. Work through the pain. Work through the flashbacks — dissociate if you have to. Remember, if you have to stop, it’s a sign the ones who hurt youwon. Be sex-positive, dammit! Show the whole fucking world just how okay you are, no matter the cost! Write a fucking sex blog!

Spoilers: I wasn’t okay. I was light-years away from okay, and I have a chain of post-Fell abusive relationships, both romantic and not, which illustrate that point rather clearly.

-Ten Years Later, Living the Stories. Flesh

No, we do not officially condone abuse, and we do certainly put out some information to help people distinguish between abuse and healthy BDSM, but the truth is that it’s still a major problem, and pretending it’s not there because we print up pretty brochures isn’t going to solve the problem.  If it weren’t a problem, we wouldn’t needthose lists and brochures and “initiatives”.  They are evidence that we try to combatthe problem, at least at some level, but until the actual practices catch up with the ideals, and the community standard becomes to simply not tolerate this kind of behavior, then it will remain with us.

As others said in the comments on Clarisse’s blog post, the community is now very quick to shun any victim who is outspoken about it and defends herself while still embracing the abuser.  Knowing that alone is a deterrent to many who might otherwise report the abuse – and I know, because I’m one of them.

It’s one of the reasons I didn’t even seek medical help myself when I really should have had it, because I knew the hospital would have had my then-dom arrested – and not only would that end the relationship I wasn’t ready to end yet, but it would have nuked me in the scene.  It’s the same reason I’m not more overtly outspoken now about what was done and who did it.

No one should have to put up with this kind of shit, and no one should have to be silent because the community will side with the abuser, especially if, as is typical, they are the sort who present a really nice guy kind of front to the public, and even at the start of new relationships, just as mine did with me, the same way he swept his new sub off of her feet and bamboozled her friends as well.

-Does the BDSM Community Enable Abuse?, Kinky Little Girl 

I blamed myself. I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.” forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit him, push him away. It must be my fault.” I sat in a narcotized place of self-blame and self-hatred for months around something for which I claimed 100% responsibility. I blamed myself for “letting” someone violate one of my strongest boundaries. And I sat on this alone and in reflexive revulsion, because clearly I was too stupid, weak and foolish to handle myself like a responsible adult. 


And because I had so much shame around this, because I was so afraid that others would look at me and think “What a fucking idiot. What kind of dummy lets something like them happen to them?” I didn’t tell anyone for months. Then it began to eat me alive, woke me up at night, freaked me out. 

-Consent[Violated], The Perverted Negress

My friend chose to let the incident where he touched her shoulders slide–it didn’t seem like a big deal. When he touched my shoulders, if he hadn’t already slid a hand up my leg, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal either. But there was a pattern emerging of cowardice and boundary pushing–when he thought women weren’t noticing. What would he have done if he’d found someone drunk? Passed out?

What if everyone who heard me loudly state my boundaries had spoken up too? As I yelled at him, people watched, seeing what was developing. If he had tried to punch me, no doubt people would have held him back. But they just watched. What if–while I yelled at him–there had been a chorus of voices, yelling “You do not touch her without permission”? That would have felt pretty great.

 -from Halo's now-defunct blog via Yes Means Yes

This… gentleman… began by intruding upon a scene in progress. He proceeded to speak only to Dylan and Clint, completely slighting me. He said he could get them into a private party at Mr. S. He asked us where we usually hang out, and when Clint said “The Citadel” he reacted with suppressed scorn. Before any of us fully knew what was happening, he had grabbed Dylan (who was already subspaced out) and forced him onto his knees, without so much as a ‘by your leave.’ “You can always tell if someone’s submissive by doing this,” he said, digging his finger into a pressure point on Dylan’s wrist. He pointed out the involuntary twitch of one of Dylan’s fingers, then reached for my arm to do the same to me.

“I didn’t give you permission to touch me,” I hissed. 

He laughed, and said something to the effect that “she,” on the other hand, was not submissive. 

“My name is Asher, I am not she, I’m a transman, and not letting you touch me has nothing to do with whether I’m submissive,” I informed him. 

Finding no fertile ground in me, he focused his attention on Dylan. Clint sat by, not quite sure whether to interfere, but not willing, either, to leave Dylan alone with this person. To me, at the time, it looked like the two of them were both eating up all of this guy’s bullshit. I left in disgust to get some air, still shaking with endorphins from my rudely interrupted scene. 

When I returned, Jackass was done with Dylan, who was sitting around looking spaced out and lost, but not in his usual happy way. Jackass was promising extravagant Mr. S goodies to everyone, and trying to get contact info. Before he left, he apologized, condescendingly, for touching me without permission. I pointed out that he had also walked into the middle of our scene. He smirked, and repeated, “I apologize for touching you without permission.” 

-A Field Guide to Creepy Doms, Gaystapo by way of Kinky Little Girl

Review: First Mate dildo

So ahoy there!

This is one out of two nautical themed dildoes that I picked up from Good Vibrations- I figured I should tell you about the First Mate first. ;)

The First Mate was a dildo I picked out to use on my boy, because the weight and size was just perfect for moderate anal play. At 7" long, I didn't have to worry about my tummy or his ass getting in the way of a good pounding, and at 1 1/2" wide, he'd feel nice and full. I picked a black one, but you can also get them in vanilla, caramel, and chocolate.

I really liked the texture of this cock. It's not smooth and rubbery, but velvety silicone, really nice to the touch.   Being silicone, that means sterilizable, but as per usual no silicone based lubricant. It's also body-safe and can be washed in the top rack of the dishwasher, or with good old fashioned soap and water.

It's a little heavy, but with a well fitting harness that won't be too much of a bother!

The base on this cock is more narrow than on others, but I found it was a good fit in my Joque harness and stable enough to fuck the cabin boy with abandon.

The First Mate is a good choice if you want a dildo for anal and vaginal play, because the size and firmness is a good balance for both. For anal I generally want something firm with a little flex, but vaginally I need something blunt at the end or my cervix suffers! I liked that the First Mate branched into both worlds for me.

It was also excellent for g-spot stimulation thanks to that pronounced head.

I quite enjoyed packing it, but it's not terribly bendy so expect your lump to be obvious! It may not be comfy enough to wear under jeans.

I also really enjoyed the veins and the definition on the head of this cock. It made for some incredibly sexy cocksucking. I do so love watching my boy wrap his mouth around my cock. It's practice, really, for when I have him entertain me by having sexytimes with another boy while  watch and wank.

Living the dream, dear readers, living the dream.

I bought this toy of my own accord but wanted to review it as the Captain is next up... tomorrow. ;)

the queen of the swingers

(photos by the talented and lovely Benjy Feen)

I've been in swinger spaces before. They had made me very, very aware that I, a queer fat kinkster, was not One of Them- not by anything they said, mind, but what they did and how they did it. Swingers, in my experience, came in two flavours- young, gorgeous, and well-off, or older, lechy, and very, very heterosexual. I decided pretty early on that the world of swingers was not for me.

Then, a cute friend of mine (blogger One Hot Crumpet) from London asked what was going at my fave play space Mission Control (birthplace of Kinky Salon, one of which I co-founded in London) while she was here, only a week of time. I looked at the calendar and discovered that the main event was Kiss... a swinger party. I turned the thought over in my head. Yes, I hadn't felt like I belonged in these spaces before- I had been turned off by the rules against boy-on-boy while encouraging girl-on-girl, and really disliked the way that men at these parties had looked at me... a challenge, or, more often, a conquest. And of course I get annoyed at the "we like single women but not single men" policies at such places, though it's sadly unavoidable that the "unicorn" is a sexy, bisexual woman who puts out for couples for a reason (namely, socialization that restricts male sexuality while pushing female, but nevermind).

But, it was in a space I consider very much a home, and this is San Francisco, and, I argued to myself, it was free- a winning combination for a broke ass ho such as myself. Plus, I knew that Mission Control now had a dungeon space with some equipment in it... so I figured I could make it work. If femme-on-femme action was what people I expected, I could give that- in my own way, of course, and on my terms. I'll admit I grinned a bit wolfishly to myself as I packed my Joque harness and, of course, a sparkly silver dildo. It matched my dress, a black jersey-but-glam number with a large rhinestone snake holding court in the middle of my cleavage. A dressy jacket, stockings, leather gloves and short heeled boots completed my outfit- possibly one of the most high femme getups I've worn in a long time.

I picked OHC up from the place she was staying and whisked her away to get ice cream at my favourite place- Humphrey Slocombe. We chatted over scoops of Secret Breakfast before landing a parking space right by the venue in record time. I'm often grateful for my parking karma... I don't know what god I've appeased to manage such perfect spots so often, but I need to figure that shit out!

I hoisted my big bag of kit- a paddle, some cuffs, matched recycled rubber floggers, the dildo, some nonlatex condoms, and a bottle of Babeland lube- over my shoulder and we got to MC. Up the stairs, we checked in about 10 minutes early. Thankfully being a regular to the space meant I could persuade the hostess to let me show OHC around before everyone got there. MC is a gorgeous space, perfect for sexy parties, and I wanted to make sure she got to see it all thoroughly.

My first surprise was in the room off the bar, which was playing porn. I was pleased to see a scene with Madison Young and Dylan Ryan, though I couldn't figure out what dvd it was at the time (and still can't work it out!). Later I saw Jiz Lee as well onscreen, which was a nice sight for someone expecting girl-on-girl porn instead of queer porn. My heart did a little dance of yay. My second surprise was that I was not the only person packing that night! I noticed right away this cute butch who was wearing a nice cock under her trousers. I was thrilled that I wasn't the only queer at the party- that swinger didn't have to mean heterosexual after all. And my third surprise? The people were lovely. I didn't have a single guy pester me or push my boundaries. I flirted gently and was gently flirted with back. The people were pretty sexy. I mean, ok, I did roll my eyes at the fact that women dressed up and men mostly didn't (at least not to the same extent) but it was a hell of a lot better than anticipated.

With a bit of champers in my blood, I invited OHC into the dungeon room for a bit of a warm up. We've kissed before (at the John Snow kiss-in, when I was in clown), and discussed a play date, but this was our first actual play date and I wanted to start off slow. Being a bit of a sadist, the way to get my cunt wet is to let me loose with some toys on some willing naked skin- so I bent OHC over a spanking bench and gave her a nice warmup with my hands and my cat-shaped paddle. Initially, there was only a couple of friends in there- then slowly people began to trickle in, until there was a bit of a crowd. I was pleased to have gotten the kinky party started, though I ended up taking OHC away when a man nearby was a bit uncontrolled with his flogger. She seemed happy and glowy, and my Beast was clawing away for more, so after some chat I took her back into the room and attached her to the St Andrews Cross.

She had said something about really enjoying the flogging she had experienced before, so I brought my trusty rubber floggers which maintain a nice balance between stingy and thuddy. I started with her back, one flogger rhythmically smacking each shoulder at a time, before warming up her ass a little. I checked in to see how she was, and got a dreamy "mmhmm" so pulled my other flogger out.

That's when I entered Top space. I felt amazing, letting my floggers fly, one than the other hitting her shoulders, then her ass, than her shoulders, until I had built her up enough for some more intense flogging. Sadism is a bit like a trance I enter, where there's nothing and noone that matters but my submissive and I, the sound of toy against flesh and little whimpers. It really, really turns me on, like nothing else really. If anyone stands between me and mine at that time I feel sure my Beast would growl. I am fiercely protective of my meat. No one got too close, or was disrespectful, though, so I enjoyed myself in peace.

Eventually I took OHC down for some petting and some water. She was a bit glazed over, which made me pleased. At this point the dungeon space was busy, too, which also pleased me, like we had given them permission to try it out. We met some more people, and sat for a while, until I knew it was time and got out my harness and my dildo.

I had started my period so knew I was going to be a stone femme tonight, which was ok with me. It helps me to focus. I strapped on my cock to some appreciating eyes and took her into the Pink room... where I had lost my own Mission Control virginity so many years ago. Up she went, onto the bed, and I played with her nipples, drinking in each little gasp. I slid my hand into a glove, lubed it up, and rolled my fingers across her clit. She was already slick but I enjoyed making her wait a bit. The G-Ki added to her moans and writhing, until at last I rolled a nonlatex condom over my cock and fucked her silly. Again, there was nothing and no one but us in that moment, and I watched her face as she flushed. It was beautiful.

We snuggled for a little while afterwards, giggling and wrapping our arms around each other. It was late by then, and time for bed, so I drove her home, her scent still on my skin. I slept more soundly than I have in days.

I've struggled a lot with polyamory over the years. I no longer identify as poly, though possibly nonmonogamous. I always fought with myself over the idea that I might actually enjoy swinging. I think what always held me back is the idea that "men switch wives"- it's not a switching of partners so much as it's a switching of properly in some of these places. But at Kiss I felt like I could belong there. Perhaps not all the time, but I could visit and feel right at home. It was a fantastic night, and one I'll remember fondly for quite some time.

You can read OHC's account here!

Call for Writers: Women who have Bought Sex Work

So a couple of lovely friends of mine out in the UK are working on a project giving voices to women who have bought sex work (for a wide ranging definition of sex work). It's something I think is super important and valid, as a woman who has bought sex work myself. So if you have ever paid for an escort, tantrika, erotic massage, pro-Dom/me, sexological bodywork, or other type of sex worker, please consider writing something up for them! We need to combat stuff like this.

"Dear friends,

London Faerie and Violet Rose are starting a project that explores women paying for sexual services. We begin with 2 questions: why do women feel less empowered than men to pay for sexual experiences, and how can we change this? Of course we have some ideas of our own about this, but we'd like to do a little research and open our minds, through the input of those with first-hand experience.

At this stage our interest is in collecting writing from women who have paid for sexual services. So I'm reaching out to you now to ask you to share your experience of seeing a sex worker, if this is something you've done and would like to write about. 

In particular we'd love to hear: 

* what prompted you to seek out a sex worker
* how you choose who to see
* how you found the experience 
* what barriers you encountered to using such services (including internal ones)
* how you overcame these barriers

We define "sex worker" broadly - including (but not limited to) escort, Tantrika, pro-Dom or pro-Domme and Sexological Bodyworker. 

With your consent we will publish your writing to a new blog-based website in the Autumn - either anonymously or with your name attached to it. In some cases we will also link your writing to the relevant sex worker's website (with your permission and theirs). 

We'd really love to hear back from you, ideally by Monday 15th August. The writing doesn't have to be long (300-500 words is ideal) nor does it have to be polished or perfect. Just honest and true to your experience is perfect. 

For this initial research stage, please email your writing to me: faerie at sacredpleasures dot co dot uk. I will share it Violet in the first place, and then we will look to publish it on a blog-based website later in the year. 

If you prefer not to take part, or haven't had experience of paying for sexual services yourself, we welcome you to pass this request onto women you know who have.

We look forward to hearing from you soon. 

Faerie + Violet x"

Review: "The Rocki Whore Picture Show"

Oh my god.

This porn parody has skyrocketed to one of my favourites ever. For many reasons, not least because I was a huge Rocky nerd growing up. My heart, now, is with Hedwig, but I couldn't resist watching the Rocki Whore Picture Show when given the chance by Good Vibes.

Brad, played by Rocco Reed, and Janet, played by Jessica Drake, were hilarious to watch as a (now-married) couple who get lost thanks to a rogue GPS. "You will be lost in 200 yards" the GPS says, which made me giggle. They have some pretty hot sex in their car before deciding that maybe they ought to go find a phone to use to get back to their honeymoon. Janet is shown to be pretty hot and horny, but in this really sweet way that I found appealing.

They get to the castle, and run into Stiff-Staff (Randy Spears) who brings them into the castle to meet with Frank N' Beans. We also meet Vagina, the Magenta parody played to great effect by Nikki Tyler, and Euphoria, who is the perky stand-in for Columbia played by Alektra Blue. Frank is, of course, making porn (creating a delicious meta commentary on the industry) and has created the Perfect Porn Star in Rocki, played by the tall, tan, slim Puma Swede... but who will be the star, Rocki, or the excited new talent Janet..?

Director Brad Armstrong is Freddy, and you can tell this whole project, his first porn parody, must be a passion project for him. He sews some of the costumes! There's the addition of two twin-like women, Mona and Lisa, who are Frank's assistants (because porn needs women!) but Armstrong manages to do homage to RHPS while gently poking fun (I love some of the audience responses that are incorporated) and also poking fun at porn tropes generally. And yes, it's still a musical! There's a lot of fun to be had here, so I don't want to describe each scene, but here's the pairings:

Sex scenes:

Brad and Janet
Vagina and Euphoria
Freddy and Euphoria
Janet and Frank
Brad, Mona and Lisa
Stiff-Staff and Vagina
Janet and Rocki
Massive 18 minute orgy

There's a few things I wanted to point out specifically that made Rocki Whore excellent for me though.

1) Condoms are used throughout, and it's not apologized for or awkward. Yes, it's the magic condom that goes on without any footage of that, but seeing the porn stars remove them and cum onto chests and thighs was pretty hot and nicely seamless.

2) Negotiation happens during sex! This was super exciting to see. Janet asks Brad to cum on her thigh "so I can see it" which is super hot, and there's negotiation between Euphoria and Vagina during their scene too. Little bits here and there- "do you like when I do this?", that sort of thing, really made the negotiating hotter for me and showed examples of how one can add asking for consent to their dirty talk.

3) Frank is AWESOME. He's in drag for his sex scenes, which is really fucking cool, and, what really surprised me? HE FLIRTS WITH BRAD. In fact, they hint that if they weren't interrupted by Stiff-Staff, they would totally have gotten it on too. THANK YOU WICKED! That was totally unexpected and warmed my heart. It was really awesome to see some boy-on-boy queerness, even hinted, in a "straight" porn.

4) Self-Awareness FTW! I loved the little hidden shoutout to PWL, the casting of Puma as "the perfect porn star" with her big fake breasts, tan skin, and incredibly slim body, while casting lots of different types in the rest of the film, some of the one-liners which were just fantastic. I loved that Rocki preferred to direct porn, not act in it. It really worked with the porn-within-a-porn concept and made it intellectually interesting.

5) I loved how silly it was. I mean, the humour was fabulous. From the little nods to the live Rocky audience participation to the jokes, from the fact everyone stays in character during sex to the playfulness of the whole thing, this made me smile. I loved that Mona and Lisa gave Brad a makeover (into what looked like floor show makeup but clownier) before fucking him silly. The menu before you start watching is hilarious- I actually watched the whole thing. It all made me giggle, and I really like that in porn. They looked like they were having fun, and they looked like they were having sex they enjoyed!

6) Imperfection was present. That's really hot to me. Cellulite was on screen- awesome! A toy slipped out, and that was left in- great! A man in a wheelchair gets a blowjob- hot! I like it when there's some impression that this is sex, and things don't always go according to plan, not everyone's got the smooth body, not everyone is able-bodied. It doesn't alienate me.

There's a whole disc of special features, from a special on the costumes to auditions to bloopers to a "making of". There's lots of extra bits, which is great, and they're great fun to watch too! And I also love that they gave a shoutout to their local Rocky cast. <3

So yeah. If you get a chance, whether you like RHPS or not, check out Rocki Whore Picture Show. It's well worth it and it's a great porn, as well as being a fun movie. Thank you Good Vibes for the chance to review it in exchange for a fair review!

Safe/Ward: A "What You Can Do" Guide for Community Members

"So Kitty," you might say while reading some of my recent blog posts on abuse and rape culture in BDSM, and feeling kind of depressed at some of the reactions, "that fucking sucks. How can we be an ethical member of a kinky community that fights these issues?"


I'm so glad you asked!  These are some tips and ideas that I have personally for how I'd like to take personal responsibility myself, and hopefully, it'll be helpful for other people.


Admit it Happens


Look, people, maybe it hasn't happened to you, but I would put down money that abuse has touched your kinky community at some point. And it probably didn't go down that well. In fact, the victim, no matter how old, well-known, or savvy he or she was, probably blamed themselves- for not fighting back hard enough, for disassociating and struggling to safeword, for being there in the first place. Cause that's part of trauma response. It's only after you start to talk to others and realize how common it is that you get mad-

I finally told several people close to me, And then a few more. And no one told me I was stupid. In fact, to my dismay, my story was common. Standard. Typical.

And that is horrifying. THAT is shameful.

So I am taking a deep breath and telling you today. Because? Consent COUNTS. And anyone can be taken advantage of. Anyone. And you aren’t stupid, you aren’t helpless, if someone pushes through your boundaries.

-Consent [Violated] by Mollena 

If you're not admitting that this happens, if you're putting your fingers in your ears and singing "lalalala", you are enabling this abuse. I mean, hell, the Leather Leadership Conference seems to think it's relevant. Communities like Kink Abuse exist. Resources like the National Leather Associations Domestic Violence Project seems to take it pretty seriously too. Did you know these things were even available? Do you think they're making it up or "just being dramatic"?


Be Aware of Creepiness

First of all, let's talk a bit about not being creepy. Cause one thing we definitely have control over is our own behavior and trying not to add to the problem, right? Being creepy, while often characterized by what Maggie Mayhem called the Creepy Naked Guy, is certainly not restricted to him- people of every gender can have that special, leer-y look that makes a shiver go down the spine.


Holly over on Pervocracy has a great piece on how to not be creepy that everyone can learn a lot from:

I don't agree with Clarisse Thorn that "creepy" is a meaningless or sexist term. (See Pandagon's response.) I think it has a very clear meaning: someone who is creepy is someone who makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable in a sexual way. And while you may be unfair in your discomfort--for example, if you feel uncomfortable around anyone who admits they're into BDSM--it's still real. When it's realest are the times when you don't know why you feel it. If someone strikes you as "creepy" and you can't put your finger on it, you feel a little unfair applying the label because they're clearly so nice but you just keep having this feeling--do not get alone with them. "Creepy" may be a pejorative sometimes; other times it's the goddamn Gift Of Fear.

But what if people think you're a creep, and you don't deserve it? I don't think the answer is to tell them that they're being wrong and unfair--you can't argue with a feeling, and trying to debate a person into not being afraid of you is kind of creepy in itself. Sometimes you may just need to move on to another social group. But sometimes there are things you can do to make people feel safer and more comfortable around you, even as you continue to pursue sex and romance. Take it from a recovering creep.

Seriously, read it. It's the best first step you can take to help improve your local community. And learn how to ogle with awareness and tact.


But woe to the person who says "creepy folks are creepy", because they're judgmental and not respecting YKIOK. I was amazed that people had a response of "but, but, think of the wankers!": 

The idea of empowerment and responsibility for one's own actions deeply resonates with me, and I would prefer that our community, which often speaks of embracing all of the various perverts that mainstream society castigates, should suit its actions to its words. In this instance, to embrace the wankers for what they contribute to the dungeon. Yes, they're unsanitary, but as it's already been pointed out, poor sanitary habits are not their personal onus to bear. We all need to be cleaner in the dungeon. What wankers contribute are twofold that I can easily determine: they offer themselves as an audience, and they offer pheremones to heighten the mood of any sex-play in progress. As long as they're not invading someone's space or getting their mess on equipment, food, or other people, I think they should be as accepted as the couple doing fire-play, the people in a race-play scene, or whatever else we might encounter in a dungeon. 

(emphasis mine)

Really? REALLY? I've never been to a dungeon party in person where people were delighted to see the Wankyman Express. I've never heard him referred to as an asset before. I have heard people leave because he's there and refuse to come back because he weirds them out.


Interestingly, many dungeons have rules against the things CWG does- cruising aggressively, masturbating outside of a scene, being there in a dungeon space exclusively for sex. Though it's hard to know that, considering a lot of dungeons and sex spaces don't actually post their rules online- posting what you can't do in these spaces suggests what you *can* do, which can be a liability. So everyone learns the rules when they get to the space, and are already hyped up and wanting to get in as quickly as possible. Not the best for retaining information... or managing expectations. And then when you're in the party, CWG isn't often called out for his behaviour, because yeah, he's creepy, but is he hurting anyone..?


The answer? Indirectly, yes, yes he is. And I like this response:

With YKIOK I think its about people engaging in things that you may not be interested in and don't have to get involved in. Wanky men don't give you a choice. Also YKIOK can be used as a blanket statement that doesn't always apply, for example, if someone is being unsafe/threataning whatever in a club, someone will step in.

So thing you can do #2? Don't be creepy.


Listen


If someone comes up to you and says they've been assaulted, your jobs, in order, are to listen, ask them what they need, and to reference them to some help for then to take up or not as they so choose.


As far as I'm aware, DMs and party hosts are not required to have even read a pamphlet on how to be a first responder for sexual or physical assault. They have no idea how to deal with a victim's responses... or even an understanding of what they might be and why. This is a serious problem that leads to victims feeling uncomfortable speaking up... understandable, when the likelihood is that they'll be told it's their fault anyway.


It's not your job to play therapist. But you can listen. And you can say "that sounds like it was a really scary experience" and ask what they need from you. If you can offer it, you can offer it. If not you can help them to the best of your ability. You should have some resources displayed with all the party fliers by the door so you can give them to people as needed. And you can understand that someone who has just suffered trauma may be struggling to put all the pieces together.


Negotiate... and Stick To It


We talk a lot about negotiation and consent. Yet one of the things that really concerns me is the often spoken "no means no"... because people tend to take that as "everything is ok until they say no/safeword". There's that joke, right, about Jesus- why did he die on the cross? He forgot his safeword. Hah! But when you think about it there's an undercurrent that's kind of creepy- that, because he didn't safeword, everything else was ok. Sure, it's a joke, but it reflects an attitude that ignores that people dealing with trauma may struggle to say "no", or struggle to safeword, and that isn't a free pass.

And if you want to have sex with someone, for God's sake don't be this guy. In every case, just freaking ask. The point of asking someone is not to get a "yes" by any means necessary; it's to find out how they feel about you. 

Realize that, post-high-school, most people are not cruel in saying no. Rejection is awkward and painful for the rejector too, and anyone worthy of your affection is going to be gentle about it. If you know each other at all as people (and sometimes even if you don't), they're not going to laugh or insult you or tell all their friends how gross you are. They're just going to tell you that you won't be dating them, which is a situation you were already living with. 

If someone says no, that means no. Don't keep asking and don't ask "why not?" The answer to "why not" is never something you want to hear, and forcing it out of someone will never change their mind; it'll just be excruciating for both of you.

-How Not to be Creepy, Pervocracy 

Which is why I'd like to hear more "yes means yes". Because yes is sexy, and negotiation can be hot- it doesn't have to be a mood-killer. 


My boy was telling me about a scene he did recently where he told his play partner that he wasn't going to take his clothes off- he wanted them to do it. A simple power thing, right? But that allowed the play partner to decide how much should come off, and when- it was a sexy way to suss out how far to go. That's pretty hot. Or my play partner last night who winked at me, cock in harness, and said "well, if you want to be fucked, you should roll over on your back"... thus allowing me to make that decision. Being able to say no (without passive aggressive sulking for hearing that no) makes your yes mean something, and that's hot for everyone.


Jay Wiseman had a blog post on how unfortunate it is when someone sticking to the negotiations made is revolutionary, rather than the norm:

So the scene is finished and she's getting dressed when I hear her quietly say, almost more to herself than me, "You actually kept the agreement to not be sexual.  That was interesting."

Huh?

I turn to look at her, my jaw hanging open.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"You're the first one who ever did that," she replies.

HUH???

"Yeah," she continues, "All of the other men have just gone ahead and had sex with me anyway."

I cannot believe what I'm hearing.

"What do they say afterwards?"

"Usually something like, Oh, it just happened."

I just stare at her, stunned into speechlessness.  Then it dawns on me that she was likely thinking that I would break the agreement as well.  She went into the scene anticipating that that would happen.  All throughout the scene a part of her brain was waiting for that to "just happen."  She was expecting that I would break my word.

He goes on to discuss how that related to his feelings when he read the manuscript for a kinky dating guide for women:

 What particularly bothered me about the manuscript was that the author wasn't talking about newbie men.  She was talking about established, well-known guys.  Guys seen at places like local munches with some frequency.  Guys (supposedly!) well educated about basic SM principles such as consent, respecting limits, and so forth.  Guys who *knew better* than to pull crap like that.  This bothered me, rather a lot, particularly the implications.

So what I basically have here is at least three women, all of whom seem fairly rational and emotionally stable with no anti-male axe to grind, and all of whom are separately affirming that being lied to by men -- in particular, being lied to by local, known, supposedly educated men -- in order to get sex/play/etc. is a *common* experience for them.  In particular, incidents involving men lying or breaking agreements in order to "get" sex and/or to avoid using condoms seem to be extremely common.

Please let's move away from this rape culture and consciously towards a consent culture. That's a lot more of a turn-on.


Be Heard Calling "Bullshit"

Another part of effectively fighting against rape culture and abuse in your local community is understanding why people defend rape culture so you can better aim when you smack them with a clue-by-four. Particularly useful is understanding the Male Gaze defensiveness from that article on Pervocracy:

This is the way our society tends to lock us into seeing things from the point of view of a heterosexual male. It's sort of assumed that you'll find "sexy" women appealing and "sexy" men funny or gross, that anyone will want to follow male role models but female ones are only for girls, and that the public discourse in general is aimed at straight men unless specified otherwise. And of course all this is tremendously magnified if youare a heterosexual man; with an effort a woman can find female perspectives, but men are almost never forced to take on a female viewpoint. Marie Curie and Amelia Earhart are never held up as heroes for little boys.

The relevant end result of this is that when someone--particularly straight men, but not only them--sees a story about a woman accusing a man of rape, they put themselves in the place of the man. They don't think "wow, what would it be like if I were raped?", but "wow, what would it be like if I were accused of rape?"

Well, I certainly wouldn't commit rape! So if I assume that this person I'm empathizing with acts the same way I would have, he must be innocent, and dealing with this false accusation must be tremendously frightening and frustrating for him. As long as you see the alleged rapist as the protagonist, the "you" of the story, the furthest you're able to stretch is "maybe he raped her for a really good reason?"

You know what happens when someone who has been abused overhears the victim-blaming, slut-shaming, apologist vitriol that gets spewed out when a victim comes out? They leave the community. And they don't come back. And that abuser gets to continue to teach classes, harass n00bs, and be a predator, without ever worrying that they'll be told off. 


I mean, FFS, stop patting yourselves on the back, kink community. Even the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Tristan Taoromino get the difference, and it's not just "they didn't safeword" or "they didn't say no". As Tristan said, "Once you have gotten into the realm of holding someone down, being forceful with them, doing something that could leave a mark on their body, you better hear a loud, enthusiastic and sober 'yes.'"


More to the point? Hold these asshats accountable. Encourage communication. Don't let predatory Doms (and, additionally, abusive subs) attack over and over again.


Keep an eye open for the next post on this, which will explain techniques I've discovered for community leaders on additional ways to address abuse in the community.


Other Links of Note:


Getting into BDSM: Safety
Ways to Combat Sexual Abuse/Power-Based Violence in Alt-Sex Communities
Civility and Incivility in the Scene
Abusers Among Us


(Also, if you're in the SF/Bay Area on August 4th, please come to the Center for Sex and Culture for Maggie's and my free workshop "Safe/Ward: Combating Abuse in the BDSM Community, listed onFetlife and Facebook- the guestlist is anonymous and will not show up on your wall. Hopefully it'll be on the SOJ Calendar soon too!)