Safe/Ward: This is Why I Speak Up (trigger warning)

I've been writing about abuse in kink, and how sometimes we in the kinky community make abusive behaviors and people not only ok but erotic. Not just in the kinky community, either- look at the popularity of American Psycho, Spike (and, to a lesser but not insignificant amount, Dru, or any other vamp) from Buffy, and Dexter. Along those lines, I came across this...

"When I was very young, I was the kid that tortured bugs rather than collected them, doing things like putting them in bleach, lighting them on fire, and seeing how many needles I could get through them before they died. I graduated to vertebrates, and repeated those little experiments on toads, snakes, whatever I could catch. By the time mammals, like neighborhood pets, caught my attention, I had already figured out that killing them would be problematic at best - so I simply inflicted pain on them until I got bored with doing so around age 11 or 12. I literally had no friends until junior high, when I left the tiny private school I'd been going to since preschool to enter the public school system. Then, I made a handful of "friends" just to blend in a little. Dating didn't happen. The urges I felt when I looked at girls were the kind that got people arrested, I thought. I was 19 before I found anything resembling the scene, and learned that what I wanted to do didn't necessarily have to be a felony. Instead, it could involve negotiation, boundaries, limits, safe words - and it could be the only thing that would actually cause something inside me to stir."

This is a piece of writing from a guy on Fetlife who is apparently an active member of his local community. He identifies cheerily as a sociopath in his profile:

"Hi. I’m a sociopath. Cold, calculating, cruel, and capricious: that bit of alliteration describes virtually the entire gamut of "emotion" I feel. I've been quiescent for the past few years, slipped on my human suit and restrained myself in a nice, normal life, but the bloodthirst...it simply would not be denied. While the term sadist certainly applies, it feels a touch incomplete. I’m a predator, and I want to hurt you.

A fair amount of scenes involve a cute little submissive being led meekly about by a top, willingly allowing themselves to be restrained by cuffs or ropes. There’s often shows of subservience, like a lack of eye contact, kneeling and prostrating, or using honorifics like “Sir.” Maybe there’s a flogger involved, or a paddle, perhaps even a cane. Maybe some nipple clamps come out, or perhaps hot wax – there could even be a violet wand. Maybe when it’s all said and done, the submissive has some red marks and possibly even some bruising.

Fuck those scenes.

My toybox smells of chloroform and honing oil, not leather and nylon. I don’t want your “Sir”, or your little moans and whimpers from being spanked. I want to see you run, scrambling through branches and bracken in moonlit woods, whimpering as your chest heaves and your legs burn - yet my low chuckle stays in your ear, always just a step behind you. I crave the look of mounting realization on your face as one by one, ominous things happen: the power goes out, the landline goes dead, and somehow, that fancy smartphone just won't dial out. What passes for my soul sings with glee at the dumbfounded expression of shock on your face when you go to answer the door, only to have it kicked out of your hand, sending you sprawling to the floor. I grin at the tears that start to fall when no matter how hard you punch, kick, flail, bite, and claw, you can't faze me, not even make me so much as blink – I might even leave you armed as you struggle, just to truly drive home the point that you are utterly helpless to stop me. I love hearing those soft, muffled cries of horror when you slowly wake up, shake off your grogginess, and realize you can neither move nor scream because your limbs and lips have all been sewn in place. I salivate at the thought of your blood, that gorgeous scarlet nectar trapped beneath your skin, calling me to take up steel and set it free.

Most of all, though, it's that look I love, the one that happens no matter how badly you've been tortured, no matter how far into subspace you've fled. It's the look you get in your eyes, the bright fever-gleam and the wide, wide pupils, when your vision starts to dim around the edges as your throat twitches wonderfully under my gloved hand - that look that says ohmyfuckinggod this is it he snapped he’s really gonna kill me ohgodnonononono…that makes life worth living.

You see, you’re not really a human being to me. I’m the only real person that exists. You…well, you’re meat. You deserve no respect, no dignity. All you are is a plaything, a toy, something I can get amusing reactions out of. Make no mistake, I can provide an array of dominant and sadistic services - flogging, spanking, bondage, play piercings/lacings, designs cut into skin, a surfeit of ways to stimulate and mortify the flesh - but those urges aren't what drive me. I want to make you afraid in ways you’ve never been scared before. I want to find the true limits of your pain tolerance.

I want to leave you scarred in body and mind."

I wanted to post this in full because I wanted to give people a taste of the sort of shit I see on these sites more often than I'd like. This is a guy who either eroticizes sociopathy in a problematic way and wants to have a persona that reflects that,  or he is actually a sociopath and is advertising that as sexy. He's just an example, but I've known people like this, who think that "crazy serial killer" is a normal Dom archetype and are glad they found the kinky community because we welcome them. "Crazy serial killer" is a fun costume to put on, sure- I find Dexter hot too- but jesus christ, this is a guy who claims at least that it's not a persona. As much as I like to enjoy a bit of rape/edge play with someone, I also like to believe that when the scene ends we can go back to giggling over I Can Haz Cheezburger and watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

He says elsewhere:

"Well, some of us are awful bad people. It's those who are, and aren't up front about it, that are problematic."

Cause the fact that we find people who are upfront about it acceptable and even kinda hot? That's not problematic at all.

They walk among us, people. Creepy as fuck.

what Toy Story taught me about nonmonogamy

Today the boy went to PolyDay, and we spent a lot of time talking about nonmonogamy, and our agreements, and our anxieties. In need of some chill out time, I ordered delivery and sat at home in my PJs watching movies.

As it turns out, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 was playing on TV, and I was sitting at home, eating sushi and feeling Pixar tug at my heartstrings as it generally does... when I realize that there's an undercurrent going on in these movies that really hits home for me.

I've felt all this. The fear of being replaced. And the fear that if someone tears you a bit, even accidentally, that it might be a marker that they didn't really want you after all... that they wanted an excuse to shelve you.

Because that fear? That's been a lot of my experience with nonmonogamy and polyamory.

Man-o-man.

I cannot even tell you how much I feel for Woody.

So Toy Story, the big plot is that Andy has a primary toy (Woody) but then gets an overload of new relationship energy for another toy (Buzz) and throws his original primary under the bed without noticing, he's so excited. Buzz gets taken out everywhere with Andy, all of the paraphernalia related to Woody and cowboys gets replaces with Buzz and rocketships. And Woody spends a good portion of time dealing with a lot of feelings about this, dealing with his emotions in a bunch of recognizable ways- self hatred and self doubt, anger at the new toy, depression and anxiety. He strikes out at Buzz, seeing him as the reason for his sudden demotion from primary toy.

Sound familiar? God knows that's a huge amount of the fear I have currently about the boy starting a new relationship! I think a lot of nonmonogamists I know have felt something along those lines, whether it be sexual or emotional jealousy. I do know some people who say they don't get jealous at all, and I both admire and envy those people. I wish I didn't get so wrapped up in the green-eyed monster, but I also have to be true to my own trust issues. Toy Story really reflected back some of my internal musing... much to my surprise!

Toy Story 2, meanwhile, revolves around the plot that Woody's arm is ripped in play and he is then shelved instead of being brought to camp with Andy, ending up at a yard sale trying to save another toy before being stolen by a collector to join a "complete set". When Woody insists he needs to go back to his Owner, the other toys in the set scoff, asking why Andy would even let him be at a yard sale where that could happen, why Andy would've ripped his arm in the first place. "Sounds like he really loved you" says one of them, Jessie, with a sneer.

Bring this into the nonmonogamy sphere, and I kind of see it as relevant to the experience when your primary hurts you in some way, and then, rather than take the time and care to fix you, they run off to pursue other adventures. That's a really confusing and difficult thing to deal with, and when people turn and say to you, "man, that does't sound very loving" you do have a lot of self-doubt. If they cared, why would they not focus on the mess they made first?

Then there's the other bits where the other toys resent Woody for his relationship to Andy. Jessie is reminded of how her Owner loved her dearly, but outgrew her, eventually leaving her in a donation box and moving on with her life. What's particularly heartbreaking is how she looks so happy in her Owner's purse after being rescued from under the bed, dreaming of her perceived future as, again, her Owner's beloved toy. Instead, she's dumped on the side of the road, in a move that felt incredibly crushing. That reminded me of the time a lover and I took space for a month, and I worked so hard to deal with our relationship shit... only to find at the end that, while I still loved him, he had moved on and moved in someone else within a week of us agreeing to take space. That betrayal was particularly wounding, because not only did I lose my lover, I felt like a fool for thinking it was going to get better.

Stinky Pete, the prospector doll who never was bought and loved by a child, additionally asks Woody if he really thinks things with Andy will last after college. And Pete, it ends up, even manipulates things so that Woody stays with the gang instead of going back to his Owner- basically Pete plays mind games with Woody until some accidents by his Owner, Andy, become hints that Andy was abandoning him.

Am I the only one who's witnessed that kind of drama in the polysphere? That same kind of "ooooh, well, your lover obviously wants to fuck with you, you should leave them and stay with us, we're better than that". Mmmhmm. Been there!

And I love this interaction:

Woody: I have no choice, Buzz. This is my only chance.
Buzz Lightyear: To do what? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life.

Ok, so I'm totally reading into this (which is basically what this whole essay does, don't judge me) but I learned from this too. When you feel hurt, and maybe betrayed, by someone you love dearly, it can be tempted to hide behind constructed walls and not let people close again. It's hard to confront those anxieties! Far more tempting to do what feels safe and hide, right? But is that the right thing to do... or the easy thing?

So yes, I think there's a lot of understanding and reassurance around the fears and anxieties a primary might have about being replaced in the relationship between Andy and Woody, and the Woody/Buzz relationship is a classic case of a primary dealing with and being jealous of NRE. And, of course, in the end Buzz and Woody realize that Andy can and does love them both, and that loving another toy doesn't take any love away from the first- they're just different.

But what I also find really interesting from a poly perspective is the relationship between Buzz, Woody and Bo Peep. I mean, what's going on there? In the first movie, Bo flirts with Buzz but obviously also holds a torch for Woody. When she makes out with the cowboy at the end of Toy Story, she even says how she doesn't care of Buzz watches (aw yea).

And then in the second movie, as Buzz goes off to rescue Woody, she kisses Buzz pretty intensely, impishly saying he should pass it along to Woody when he finds him. Gotta love Buzz's sheepish, awkward response of "it won't mean the same coming from me", hehe!

But he does it. ;)

It's the end that really nails nonmonogamy at its best, though, for me-

Buzz: You still worried?
Woody: Who? About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts.
Buzz: I'm proud of you cowboy.
Woody: Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company. For infinity and beyond.

What more could a nonmonogamist hope for than that kind of loving commitment?

So, Toy Story... thank you for teaching me that it's understandable to be afraid of rejection and replacement, but that, in the end, if you let that fear keep you from the possibilities of your own heart, the only one you really hurt is yourself.

"Self-preservation threatens us all" Malcolm Middleton sang, and I believe it- I hold the Fool card close to my heart, summon my strength, trust in myself, and fall in love and lust, again and again.


Disclaimer: It's been a long exploration, but I am pretty sure I'm emotionally monogamous, not polyamorous. Sex with others is fun, as is friends with benefits (and I have affection and love for those friends, but not in an "in love" sort of way) but I consider myself nonmonogamous, not polyamorous... particularly because I can't stand the "we're more evolved than you" attitude of many within the polyamory community (in my experience with the organized "groups"... though some of my best friends are poly and aren't like that, thank god). 


I often say "I was polyamorous for a while, until I realized that I'd have to date poly people, and I don't have enough Vicodin for that", and that's a smart ass way of putting it, but yeah. While I recognize there are individual poly folk who are awesome, in my experience so far, I personally just do not identify with the polyamory community at large. I have lots of blogs on my struggles with poly and why I now ID as nonmonogamous instead- here's a good start to it, if you're curious. 

public kink != LGBT rights

I was reading a thread on Fetlife recently asking "Do you feel AB/DL should be so taboo?" asking if AB/DL deserves the negativity it gets in the media and amongst other kinksters. It's an interesting question, as I've had my own struggles with it as a kink and finding acceptance around it. I think that it's generally pretty easy to turn away if someone is engaging in a kinky activity that doesn't do it for you, so I don't see why kinksters don't do more of that instead of being so scornful. As for the media, well, the sooner everyone realizes that most media around sex is only there to be sensational and shocking, not educational, and create their sound bytes accordingly, the better I say.

However, I got really annoyed when someone (a white, straight cismale, natch) equated kink rights to LGBT rights. Um... no. Sorry. I just don't see it. Never mind that the last thing we need is something distracting from the fact that *we still don't have LGBT rights!* While this particular article focuses on AB/DL, I think it can easily be used for a great many kinks.

I do not feel that I have a "right" to flaunt my kinks. My kinks are not something that need to be explored in all/any public settings. Context is important here. I think that I can make my boy feel like a little boy without involving other people in our kink or having him dress up in such a way that it makes others uncomfortable. I don't know that I would argue that M/s relationships have a "right" to use collars and leashes in public, either, or that human puppies "should" be allowed to run around in kit at a dog park. While I will certainly fight for consenting adults to have the right to do as they like in private, I do also feel that all public space is not an appropriate place for sexual behaviour. People have a right to not be in sexualized space when they haven't sought it out- never mind the fact that sexual energy can be triggering for people. I've done a lot of public play, but it's either been pretty subtle or explainable, or it's been empty of other people. For example, these images from the tube, I just explained to people we were going to a costume party. Then they thought we looked adorable!

I think it'd be amazing if there were more spaces where you can enjoy public kink, same as I like having spaces to enjoy public sex. I love that people wear chaps at Pride, or that I get to watch hot boy on boy sex sometimes. I love Folsom and Dore, where public kink and sex are fairly common. But they're restricted spaces- entry means consenting to being around sex and kink. I mean, I live in SF, where, to be honest, you can probably do many kinky things in public under the guise of public performance and keep it playful without any issues. I think that's awesome, and that's why I live here. There is a social agreement that makes a lot of stuff ok. But there *is* a line, and I'm ok with that.

I do feel that I have a right not to lose a job for having a sexual life outside of work- say, by doing sex work, or by appearing in AB/DL porn. However, I think if I was to show up at work dressed like an AB that would be totally inappropriate. I think making people at work deal with a dirty diaper by tossing it in the work bathroom is kind of uncool, because it's a biohazard. These are also things to reflect on.

It's true- it's more socially ok for women to wear, say, Goth Lolita or other styles that look particularly ageplay-ish in public. There's ways to work around that (the boy tends to wear super hero tee shirts and shorts, for example), but in general, yes, that's true. That's partially because culturally we infantalize women as a matter of course, certainly far more often than that men (unless we want to take men's power away and humiliate them). It sucks that women have more freedom of clothing choices than men (though frankly if we add up male privilege to female privilege... yeah, men win out big). But then, I also rarely see female public sex at these various kink/sex in public type places, certainly not as often as men. Sure, as a woman I can dress like a little girl and its "cute", but then I also live in an entitlement culture that socially restricts my sexuality and makes me worry about sexual threats if I'm perceived to be "slutty" all the time. If I engage in sexual behaviour with another woman at Folsom, say, the likelihood that men will try to physically involve themselves with my scene is a lot greater. So, it's a double edged sword, this "freedom" I have. It's a freedom that comes, often, with a price of dealing with male entitlement.

Finally, there are many people who say they use AB/DL to relax, to let go of adult responsibilities, to decompress. Fine, fair enough. However, as someone for whom this is just one kink I like playing with in many, my personal feeling is I'm cool with that for myself or a partner as long as it's not a crutch. Like... I'm all for having the occasional beer after work, but that's different from needing a drink to relax after work. One indicates a dependency I don't find particularly healthy. The face of AB/DL is a pathologized face, pretty often, so if people have even heard of it, they hear about it in the context of issues with family, or running away from problems. A great many of the AB/DL men I've met do have issues with being irresponsible manchildren. It doesn't do a lot to help their cause.

No wonder it seems taboo- there aren't enough people who treat it as a kink to enjoy with others, rather than a secret shame, a need to be met, or a reflection of issues with parental neglect/abuse. Maybe if there were more people out for whom it was just an aspect of their functional lives, it would get a different reputation.

I don't think people should be assaulted no matter how I feel about their choices. I don't think the Westborough Baptist Church should get assaulted for their beliefs, though I really disagree with them. I don't think AB/DLs should get assaulted for wearing diapers in public either. However- while I believe kinksters should have the right to marry, kiss in public, and not have their kids taken away simply because they're kinky or sexual, I just do not think it's reasonable to say that kinkster rights are the same as LGBT rights. I have not heard that stories of people wearing AB/DL clothes in public and being raped or killed, while a week doesn't go by where I don't hear a story about that happening to a trans person. The people who are almost always the loudest about how kink should be treated as an orientation have been straight while cismales, in my experience. They don't realize how problematic that is. It feels like they're trying to get a piece of the "we're oppressed too!" pie.

Basically, I don't think you can entirely separate AB/DL (or kink in general) with the gender, race and class issues that it raises, never mind the potential psychological issues. As I've met more AB/DLs who are super on it, able to have functional relationships and a responsible life, I've personally changed my mind about it quite a bit. I realized correlation is not causation. It may take a while for other people to feel the same way. One way to help with that? If a bunch of women/people of colour/queers are saying "wow, dude, check your privilege", how's about not being defensive, and saying, "wow, ok, yeah, I will"?

With all that said, I'd gone to parties and Pride as a clown or a little girl with my partner as a little boy with little to no negative attitudes. I think that it also depends a lot on how you engage with other people- if you're dressing in what looks like a costume out and about you have to play that up and give eye contact, be friendly and open, and disarm people who think you're a freak. I find that being cheerful and telling people I'm off to a party or something means compliments instead of vitriol. I do not dress in a way that suggests kink unless I'm willing to talk to people about it in a friendly way- because like it or not I become the face of that kink, and being cuntish reflects badly on the whole thing. You have have fun, even naughty public fun- just try not to be a douche about it!

Maybe at some point I'll write my own tips for working out how to have kink dynamics in public in ways that don't upset people around you. What do you think, dear reader?

to breed or not to breed?

You know, it's kind of embarrassing and annoying to admit this... but I've entertained the idea of being a parent someday. I feel awkward saying it because I hate the idea that I'm fulfilling this belief that many people have when a woman says that she's not interested in having kids, that "when you're older, you'll see". I have been adamant for a long time that having a kid wasn't for me. I think deciding to be childfree is totally cool. And I never thought that I might be considering anything else, til I met the boy, who's a bit of a breeder. I started to ask myself if I could, in fact, see myself as a parent. And I was shocked to realize... yeah, maybe I could, with him. I think we'd be good parents. 

I still have weird issues with all the rigmarole wrapped around the idea of "motherhood" that have been stirred up and pulled into focus with adult baby explorations, and I still think that if I do have a child, the boy will very likely be the "mother" figure while I'll be more the "father" figure. And I'm ok with that, for the most part. I still wish he could be the one to get pregnant, but, hey, what're you gonna do, right?

I use words like "spawn", "whelp" and "breeder" as a sort of endearment ("breeder" especially comes out of queer culture, where it's sometimes used with venom but often with a friendly, teasing wink). That said, it's also as a nod to the fact that I acknowledge I am a bit ambivalent about parenting as a choice for myself. I think it's ok to not be gung ho about being a mother, and I think the cult of motherhood that exists kind of sucks for those of us who don't feel they fit into that baby-bootie-knitting stereotype. If I commit to parenthood I will commit, though- not for me an accident or "we'll see how it feels as we go". It's a path I will need to very consciously choose, to be fair to myself, my partner and our potential child.

Now, I'm a sex worker. And I will probably continue to do sex work, in one form or another, after having a child. It's something I feel is my calling, if there is such a thing- it's certainly a place where I shine. I'm painfully aware of the issues that can come of that- sex workers are not seen as fit parents. Hell, sexual women are not seen as fit parents- and that has consequences. My love for my work made me wonder if being a parent was even something I could entertain as a possibility. How could I balance my public speaking about sex work with having a kid? Would I be selfish to not give up my work?

Weirdly, I don't know if I'd ask myself that question if I worked in an office.

But I'm lucky. I know many, many amazing women who are proving, every day, that it can be done. They all have subtly different ways that they balance being parents and being sex workers or altsex participants, which is exciting- it shows me that there's a spectrum of possibilities and supports I can lean on if I, too, become a sex working mum. And I have so much love and respect for them. They're fighting so many preconceptions and judgments, and they're coming out swinging. And I know older parents- Burners, kinksters, polyamorists- whose kids are fucking rad. They inspire me. I'm grateful.

And I also know some amazing women and men who are choosing to be childfree, or to adopt, or foster. I'm grateful to them too, because they show me that if I weigh up the options and decide I don't want to have a child, or that I don't want to bear a child- that's ok too.

Because that's what this is all about. Choices. I want to be able to choose how to be a parent in a way that works for me and my family. I want to be able to choose to not have kids without being told that I'll regret it. Will I be above reproach? No, of course not. I'm sure I'll fuck up either way. That's what people do- they make decisions that other people don't get sometimes, and sometimes they get those decisions wrong. That's ok- it's about learning and growing.

And that's, ultimately, what I want the boy and I to teach our potential child.

you threw your toys out of the pram, Furrygirl.

My mum tells a story about how when I was breastfeeding I used to bite her sometimes. I'd be quietly suckling away, then nip- she would yelp and pull me away, and I'd beam, she'd sigh and let me suckle... and sometimes, I'd bite her again.


Yeah, I may've been a little sadist event then. But no one would've called what was going on sexual by any stretch of the imagination, right?

Last week Feminisnt blogger Furrygirl accused Madison Young, founder of Femina Potens and Feminist Porn Network, of being a borderline pedophile. She has since blogged about this on her personal blog, after her logic was widely shot down as "crazy talk". In her blog, she talks (again) about Madison breastfeeding in a "place people go to masturbate" I want to correct this mistaken idea very clearly. 

Madison did a performance at Sizzle wherein she breastfed (with two other women, all clothed) and talked about how moving breastfeeding was for her. They then talked about the Great Latch-On, a breastfeeding awareness day. Now, normally, Sizzle can have some erotic content- I've been a lingerie-clad figure model before, for example. But this particular one had that, and Maggie Mayhem talking about taking AZT in Africa, and the organizer from Slutwalk talking about rape, and Maxine Holloway talking about Hep C, and me talking about consent being sexy. Not exactly erotic, certainly not a space where people were being voyeuristic. No wanking. I've never seen wanking at Sizzle- it's more of a performance art space than anything else.

Then there's the image Furry keeps harping on about- a photo accompanying a piece about being a sexy mother, wherein Madison looks glamorous while breastfeeding. Furry is *just wrong* when she says that women don't make themselves look glamorous or sensual for breastfeeding photos (here here here here and here for a start), but then, she's not a breeder. Never mind the question- if it's about babies not being able to consent to being photographed while feeding, are sensual nude pregnancy photos ok? Once a sex worker always a sex worker- are you then banned from feeding your baby in public because you are a publicly sexual figure?

Is it just me, or does that sound pretty anti-sex worker for a woman who is starting a organization to support sex workers..?

What Furry likely *meant* to say was this: http://twitter.com/#!/furrygirl/status/102274806359146496

What she said, however...

http://twitter.com/#!/furrygirl/status/102129552972718080

http://twitter.com/#!/furrygirl/status/102194553523666945

http://twitter.com/#!/furrygirl/status/102134727707860992

http://twitter.com/#!/furrygirl/status/102119962663059457

I mean, I tried to get out of Furry what exactly she was saying:

http://twitter.com/#!/kittystryker/status/102150338525663233

http://twitter.com/#!/kittystryker/status/102134692307931136

http://twitter.com/#!/kittystryker/status/102134171778023424

But she just blocked me instead of answering my questions and continued this hysterical "omgomg feminist porn loves pedos! San Francisco is crazy! I'm the only sane one!" It was kind of nuts, and honestly I expected better from her.

She's continuing to suggest that Madison's twitterstream is basically a pornographic sexualized place. Considering Madison talks about a lot of things relating to her life, some of it sexual, some of it not, I think Furry is ignoring the context she keeps talking about being important. I mean, Furry has a photo of her without panties with her cat- does this make her into bestiality? Could someone into bestiality sexualize that image? Has her cat consented to the photo? I'd giggle if she says that it's different because the baby is human, considering she's vegan....

It was pretty angering, though. Partially because I have multiple friends in altsex who are parents. Partially because I may one day spawn a whelp of my own. And I still want to work in sex work, after I've had a child- who's to say I can't? I may one day similarly want to talk about balancing sex work and performance with being a parent. That may be a discussion that happens around other sex-positive people. That doesn't make me (or them) pedophiles.


With the multiple articles coming out about this issue, I want to correct something. No, Furry didn't say Madison was a pedo for breastfeeding in itself- she said Madison was a pedo for breastfeeding at Sizzle, an art event that discusses issues relating to sex and gender, which she continually says is a "sex event" when it just isn't. I was there. Furry was not, and has been ignoring people who try to tell her this. 


What Furry is also pointedly ignoring is that by using the word "pedo" publicly and in a sensationalist way, she is, in fact, both acting against sex worker rights (which she claims to care about) and putting Madison's child actively in danger. 


We still live in a world where sexual women (sex workers, porn stars, women who blog about sex) can and have had their children taken away for lesser accusations. I'm curious if Furry has thought about the potential consequences for her actions- does she truly believe that Madison is dangerous to the extent that her child being a ward of the state is a better option..? Has Furry ever talked to wards of the state? It's a pretty terrifying, lonely, and often violent place to be. Madison breastfeeding her baby while dressed as Marilyn Monroe- is that truly dangerous enough to take her baby away from her? 

Salon has had great op ed pieces on this and similar issues, as did One Hot Crumpet. The Advocate covered it as well, and Maggie Mayhem weighs in and hits a home run:

Calling a portrait that hung in the context of an art show about balancing the roles of sex work and motherhood pedophilia is not just a logical fallacy of equivocation, it’s outright dangerous. San Francisco offers a modicum of safety but the fact is that there are a lot of people chomping at the bit to remove children from parents that are part of alternative sexual minorities. It’s dangerous to create and spread blatant misinformation. A health, wellness, and awareness event is not an orgy. There is no giant conspiracy to uncover that the “mommy cult fetishists” are concealing. This event took place on a day organizing as many public breast feedings as possible. Madison Young did not invent this event for self-promotion, she participated in it and told other people about it. It was not inappropriate for her to create a safe and non-sexual venue for her participation and support of this pre-existing event. These choices do not amount to obtaining sexual gratification from her infant.

"If you seal yourself in the safe bubble of San Francisco, surrounded by adoring fans, then of course you're not going to care how you might be damaging the movement for acceptance of sex workers and porn," says Furry. But, as Madison said quite brilliantly, the only one sexualizing Madison's breastfeeding is Furry herself. And Furry knows she fucked up, I suspect, as she's not allowing comments on her blog.

I just find it fascinating and frustrating that FG doesn't realize that the person really really hurting the sex worker movement is, in fact, herself. And I'm disappointed. I think Furry sometimes says some brilliant shit. I wanted to support SWAAY. But I am really saddened that I can't anymore, because I'm a sex worker, and I may one day be a mother myself. Some of my friends are mothers in sex work. This is personal, and political, and I just can't let it go.

Review: Satin Bondage Set

I love luxurious feeling bondage, but only if it's well-made. Silk scarves get too tight on the wrists, and nothing ruins a fun session like fumbling for the scissors to free hands that have fallen asleep. And I love leather, but that doesn't always fit with the sort of scene I have in mind- plus it's heavy!

So when Babeland offered to send me the Satin Bondage Kit (with another to add to the raffle baskets for the Safe/Ward workshop, which we were grateful for), I got kinda excited to try it out. And ooh, is it lush!

It comes in a pretty satin bag, first of all, which is really nice (and subtle- it could be a lingerie bag, for example, and big enough to slip a toy or two in there as well for travel or even just slipped under a pillow.

The kit comes with two long satin ribbons that are beautifully hemmed. With each one being 5' long, and at least 11/2" wide, they can be wrapped around the wrists twice for some light bondage fun. They're very versatile- you can do the usual things of tying them to bedposts, in a nice bow behind the back or in front (perhaps as a present?) or with some creative knotting, you could use them for over the door bondage. Use your imagination...

Just keep in mind that these are meant for light, sensual bondage, and don't keep those hands too awkwardly tied without checking on circulation!

This kit also comes with a blindfold made of the same material, with the mask ties being 2 1/2' each, so will easily fit a variety of people. I found the blindfold to be nicely made, good at blocking out light and easy to tie. I can see this set being ideal for people new to kink, or looking to have some subtle kinky kit at home- or possibly while traveling to somewhere fun?

Additionally, I found a use for the ribbon as a cute little bow to wear out and about! Maybe you can use it for kittyplay by adding a bell, or as an impromptu leash when tied to a collar? Might be a fun subtle way to have some bondage kit with you while on a night out!

I loved this little kit. I like that you can wash it, too- always handy to have in toys when your play may get a little messy!

Curious to check it out? Well, it's on sale at Babeland now- half off, so a really good deal! I'd certainly consider picking up a satin bondage kit of your very own, especially at that price!

Review: iRabbit Mini

I've never tried a rabbit vibrator before.


I know, I know, you hear about them everywhere, how they're the best sex toy for women, Sex and the City, every woman should try one, blah blah blah. "I have a Hitachi," I thought smugly. "I know better".


Was I ever wrong! The iRabbit mini sent me by Good Vibes made me see my hubris by bringing me to an orgasm that had me crawling up the walls and in tears with pleasure. Seriously. I am not making this up. This is a fucking amazing toy for me. 

It's not particularly big- I mean, yeah, the length is 9" but there's only 5" insertable length, totally manageable. The iRabbit fit my cunt like a dream, with the pearls in just the right place to make me squirm. Then, the little vibe (buzzy, not jackhammer) was surprisingly strong, and in just the right place to work me over beautifully. 


That was the main surprising thing for me- the way it fit my body! I didn't feel like it was forced, or like I didn't have enough control over the vibe on my clit- important, because mine is pretty touchy. It's a really nicely made vibrator.

This toy has a semi-realistic head, but no discernible critter as the vibrator, something I appreciated. Unlike other rabbit vibes I've seen, this one had freely moving pearls, which felt exquisite. It takes 4 AAA batteries.


With multiple speeds for the pearls and multiple intensities/pulsing patterns for the vibe, the iRabbit is a fun toy to get to know better. You might find a setting you like and stick to it, or you might like to ramp up and down. Either way, this toy can accommodate you! 


Made of purple or blue PVC and ABS, this is a phthalate-free toy... and, even better? WATERPROOF. So you can take this in the shower! Soap and water or a toy cleaner will clean this up well.

Anal-Eze? Please, god, no.

I was browsing through one of my online sex toy catelogues when I came across a garish ad declaring one store's bestsellers. #1? Anal-Eze.

I wept inside.

Anal-Eze is Bad News, folks. It's a lubricant with numbing agents to "help you accommodate larger toys/penises". You know what it'll really help you with, though? A trip to the hospital because you tore something and didn't know it, or got an infection and had no idea. Seriously, these things are not good for your bum!

A good rule of thumb is that if you *think* you need Anal-Eze what you need instead is a) a good, quality lubricant, possibly a gel formula, that's made for booty-lovin' (I'd suggest sliquid's sassy formula or Maximus, myself) and b) time. Yep, time. It takes time to fuck someone in the ass! Kind of like fisting- you don't just shoot up an orifice with Novocaine so you don't feel what your partner is doing. I mean, if you can't feel it, dude, what's the point?

Never mind the important fact that your body expresses pain as a way of communicating that something is not right. The last thing you should do is dull your senses- you should be aware so that your anal play is as sexy, fun, and comfortable as possible. Because then you'll both want to do it again!

So, no. Don't use Anal-Eze, I beg you. While we're at it, avoid cunt-tightening creams, spermicide, and jelly toys without a condom. There's so many ways to enjoy sex, please please pretty please don't take a wrong turn down Horrible Medical Issue Alley. It's scary down there.

Review: Jawbreaker Gag

I have a friend who is obsessed with cute boys sucking on lollipops. When I met her, at first I didn't entirely get it- I mean, I like lollipops, and I like cute boys, so sure, both together could be fun.

But there's something particularly sexy about a pink tongue flicking over something sugary- something innocent mixed with dirtiness that's incredibly hot. I get it now.

And Babeland sent me along something that helped me get it even further- a jawbreaker ballgag. In fact, they gave us two- one for our gift baskets for last week's Safe/Ward workshop, and one for me to try! Yes, it's edible. Yes, it's all jawbreaker. And it is just the cutest, sexiest thing ever! As a little girl who sometimes gets mouthy, this is a hell of a lot better than soap (though, it's a matter of time before there's a soap gag... you heard it here first!)

After seeing this I have a whole candy related BDSM photo shoot for Andro Aperture planned... imagine this gag, with red licorice whips binding the boy, and me spanking him with a big stick of rock candy. 

Hot, right? 

The strap on this is PVC- mine is pink, though you can also get it in black. The smallest setting is 13 3/4", and it goes up to 22 1/2", making it fit a huge range of sweet toothed submissives! The ball isn't huge- it fit my mouth perfectly, but if you need a big gag to keep you quiet this might not be the one for you. For how loud I am, my mouth is kind of wee (not the smallest, but medium-small), so I liked how comfortable it is in my mouth. It's kind of fun as a predicament thing- "the faster you lick, the faster you can swallow and not drool on yourself" is a fun game! Of course, the more you lick it down, the more you expose the plastic bits that hold the jawbreaker in place which might be uncomfortable for you. 

There's no ingredients list, but this definitely has sugar in it. There's not really distinct flavours, just a mild sweetness. Sadly, KinkLab doesn't make replacements for the jawbreaker yet, so when it's gone you've got a small pvc collar instead. Of course, you can easily adjust where the ball is and how long the straps are by cutting the end to be right for you. I would be careful, because as gags go, this has no give- if you're the kind of submissive who likes to gnaw on their gag, you may want to go with a silicone ball gag instead.

I think this would make a lovely little gift for the sweet kinky "little" in your life, along with any sugar fiends! Thank you Babeland for letting me check out the Jawbreaker gag in exchange for a fair review, it's so much fun!

rumour mills and memories

I was a Goth in middle and high school- depressed, sometimes suicidal, unable to focus on classes, angry at busy work. I was overweight but fierce, made fun of for being Wiccan, known for being a mentalist. And I was ok with all that because to be honest as an out queer it probably partially kept me safe that people were afraid to fuck with me too much. Columbine hadn't been too far off, so I wonder if people thought I might crack!

But the reality of it is, I was a selfish, melodramatic teenage girl who didn't yet have the words to explain how I felt and what I was frustrated about. I hated my home state more than I could express, and didn't know why. I felt stifled, trapped. I was in many ways the leader of my little band of freaks, but I was pretty possessive of the spotlight. It took a while for me to try and make amends, to realize how my flailing affected the people around me. My apology was heard by some, and not by others... understandable. I think when we're young and selfish it's impossible to see the damage we do, and it's not always fixable, is it?

I grew up, emotionally, a lot. I moved to California, then to London, then back to California. I was a serial monogamist, bisexual, submissive, then a poly switch, then, now, a nonmonogamous queer Domme. I learned how to be a skilled manipulator, and I put that aside to live with radical honesty. I was straightedge- no drugs til 22, no alcohol til 19 or so. As I put the depression and the medication behind me, I found myself to be surprisingly strong and capable. I realized how much I didn't know, how much I still have to work on. There are days where I am still that girl, where everything is so overwhelming and I want to crumble into pieces. But I survive, a feral alley cat, claws sharp, landing on my feet.

Next year is my 10 year school reunion. I've always laughed about going- how those kids would be surprised by what became of me, right? I barely speak to any of them, anymore, anyway. I didn't think they'd really remember me.

Imagine my surprise when I discover that there are rumours. Some hilarious ones, in fact- one being that I was a drug addict (sure, if you consider Zoloft to be a drug). Another was that I do "rituals" that involve trying to be "forever young" by sucking life energy or committing ritual sacrifice! It's kind of ridiculous. I'm not even sure what to think. I mean, I was Goth, sure, but I didn't think I had magical powers or anything like that. And why pretend to be more exciting when my life was exciting enough!

So when I think about high school reunions, I imagine what it will be like to show up, dressed in my fabulous London threads, an international sex worker, writer, and queer porn sex kitten, perhaps an attractive lovely or two on my arms, and I think... oh, man. That'll be FUN.

I mean, who could've guessed the girl with a scars on her arms and the haunted look, with the armfuls of badly written poetry and the layers of clothes to defend my body from scrutiny... who would guessed that she would turn into... well... me? :)

I'm not that girl anymore, that's for damn sure.

They think the rumours are exciting?

Wait til they hear the reality!

I'm performing at Sizzle this Saturday!

Photo by James of Naked Comix

• August 6th (8pm - 11pm) - SIZZLE: "Hot For Teacher- An Education in Health & Awareness ($10 - Free for youth under 23 & Health & Wellness Providers)

Femina Potens and Slut Walk SF proudly present August's installment of Sizzle, the monthly award-winning spoken word and performance series. Sharpen your pencils because this month at Sizzle we are back to school to learn more about health awareness for our queer, kinky and sex positive communities.

If you never had a crush on your teacher- you are about to! We are inviting the Bay Area's best and brilliant sex workers, porn performers, writers and sex-educators take over the classroom. You will be hanging on every syllable as curvaceous courtesan Kitty Stryker explores a healthy perversatility through spoken word. Get your sex hacked hard with Maggie Mayhem as she shares her self proclaimed "sex-nerd" side. You are going to want to be teacher's pet for Maxine Holloway's  interactive presentation on safer sex practices within the kink community. Be sure to have a front row seat for Madison Young's  well rounded performance about breast health, Adult performer, Holly Stevens, will be joining us to discuss early breast cancer detection and discussing her first hand battle with breast cancer. Video PSA's by pioneer performer Buck Angel and queer porn heartthrob Drew Deveaux. Also our good friends at Slut Walk SF will be joining us with a presentation that is not to be missed addressing abuse & rape in our communities and how we can protect and stand up for one another. Raffle prizes have been donated by such amazing sex positive entities as Good Vibrations, Feminist Porn Network, and Annie Sprinkle to help benefit Holly Stevens'. 

 

Sizzle’s performances regularly reveal the bravest, hottest, most eclectic performers that the Bay Area has to offer and this evening is no different. Learn all the things they wouldn’t teach you in health class in this evening of raw, radical, and raunchy wellness.

 

Located at Viracocha - 998 Valencia Street. Get Tickets Today!

Safe/Ward Workshop Tonight!

This presentation is for community members and leaders looking to understand and address sexual, physical, and emotional abuse within communities that practice BDSM. By striving to create a comprehensive workshop on how to recognize and address abuse within the BDSM community, we hope to help create a safe space for WIITWD. This workshop will incorporate roleplays as well as brainstorming- be ready to participate!

By actively taking a stand against abusive behaviors we can act to reduce the frequency of predatory actions.

Discussion points:

-what does community mean, and how does that confer responsibility
-why “but they weren’t part of the community” is dangerous
-don’t assume- issues of gender and orientation
-discussing negotiation and consent, both personal and public parties
-telling someone vs telling on someone
-how to recognize abuse
-the subtlety of abuse
-how to speak to an abuse victim
-understanding and recognizing trauma responses
-the importance of training DMs/hosts about handling abuse
-creating safe space to speak up
-how to confront an accused abuser- it’s the behavior not the person
-yellow cards vs red cards
-acknowledging positive behaviors
-where the law stands
-providing support and education, with a focus on “don’t abuse”, not “don’t get abused”
-resources to have in playspaces

Now with a great bunch of raffle items (free entry!) thanks to Vixen Creations, Filament Magazine, Crash Pad, Babeland, Cyber Dyke, Snarky McFuckbuttons, Meet the Mayhems, Threshold at Mission Control, Madison Young, and Cleis Press!

*thanks to Tom Ker-Oldfield for the amazing logo for Consent Culture!*http://tomkeroldfield.com/

an afternoon of queer girl porn

I arrived at the house around 4:15 last Saturday and entered to the sound of giggling. It was a beautiful house, with stunning art on the walls and a country-home-esque feel- plush carpets, jeweled tones and shiny wood. What made it fabulous for me though was walking in to Maxine Holloway pulling her panties aside for Madison Young, who was taking some photos, while Maggie Mayhem stood in sexy red heels and a red strap on harness, a thick textured cock jutting out from between her thighs, and Minxgrrl sat at a computer editing images. This was a Feminist Porn Network shoot after all, and not just a sexy dream sequence!

"Come in, come in, take a load off, have some snacks!" was the chorus, and what a spread had been laid out! Guacamole and chips, hummus, fresh fruit and veggies, donuts, coffee... all sorts of stuff to help keep energy high. You need high energy when doing porn shoots, I know.

Not too long after I arrived Maggie was upstairs shooting a phone sex video, where she called her real-life boyfriend Ned for some really sexy masturbation. Maggie and Ned are a super hot couple who both do porn so they manage to have sex that's intimate and erotic and also fun to watch. This particular shoot was for Madison's new site "Heartcore Sex Tapes", a masculine/feminine couples site with videos of lover-to-lover love/erotic letters and phone sex between real couples. It'll be launching in September with Minx at the helm, so definitely keep an eye open!

Then it was time to sit in while Madison filmed Minx reading Little Red Riding Cap for Naked Girls Reading, part of the site Perversions of Lesbian Lust. It launched a month and a half ago with Sinclair Sexsmith as the webmaster, and has a fantastic selection of filthy lesbian porn, erotica, and stories read aloud. Today was the less-adult children's stories edition- Madison had been filmed reading Alice in Wonderland (leading to a hilarious quote, "whooo are youuuuuu" "I'm Madison Young, you need to be schooled in some feminist porn!") and now Minx was reading Little Red. Her tattoos were beautifully displayed against a shaggy carpet with yellows, oranges and browns, glancing up every once in a while as she read. Madison, meanwhile, was barefoot in a light blue sheer dress, holding her camera carefully to get just the right closeups. As someone who is incredibly into being read to, I think this is going to be one part of Perversions of Lesbian Lust I'll really go for!

Then it was time for a bit of a break. "When is your anal masturbation fisting shoot?" asked Minx to Madison- this was to be one of the last shoots of the day. "When I'm done pumping my breasts," she replied, and I giggled. I love hanging out with porn stars because the things that are taken as normal are so crazy to other people's ears! I was also excited to hear that Madison's writing a story for her daughter about what she does for a living, which I think sounds fabulous.

With a "these panties aren't getting any drier!" from Minx it was time to get back to shooting. Madison got to doing her masturbation anal fisting in the bathroom for Femifist, a site that will be launched in August hosted by Maggie Mayhem. Femifist is going to feature how-tos and erotica about fisting along with film and photos- as a fan of fisting who is sad to see it so infrequently depicted, I can't wait to check it out. If Madison's scene is any indication it'll be awesome.

Meanwhile Maxine and Maggie fucked on the dining room table, smearing peach juice and slapping each other's cunts. This was for The Woman's POV, a site embracing all sorts of media from a female point of view, including porn. Watching POV shot is kind of fun- you get to see the performers as they interact and negotiate their way through sex.Standing in the kitchen, listening to the gasping, watching Maggie hold the camera while Maxine strokes her g-spot... then moving to the main course of a nice thick cock was just super hot. I loved hearing them going at it- Maxine was giving some good dirty talk while Maggie moaned and whimpered on the table. What makes being on set particularly fun is witnessing the little things- like while sexytimes are happening on the table, I was also watching the martini glasses shake and spill, until it gets so violent that someone had to rescue them from the table!

Finally it was time for the last shoot of the night. I watched from the hallway like the dirty old man I am while Maggie fisted Maxine for the first time- two lovely femmes in lingerie and heels, with filthy mouths and filthier behaviour. "Your clit just got so hard- it's so big" murmured Maggie as Maxine writhed under her hand. I loved listening to Maxine's moans, half giggling and musical as Maggie teased some fingers and then slowly her fist into Maxine's cunt. She purred as Maggie thrust into her- you could hear her wetness from the hallway. Maggie was laughing almost evilly as Maxine came all over her fist- "OMG Maggie!" "Cum all over my fist, cum all over my face, cum all over my tits, I want it all" growled Maggie. Maxine was squirting as she screamed with joy, the bedroom filling with lots of "omgomgomgomg". Afterwards I thought it was really cute to hear Maxine say things like, "I don't ever want to say goodbye to your fist", and "You fisted me so well I can't even speak properly".

What I love about queer porn is that the more I watch it made and perform in it the more I love it, and the hotter it is for me to watch it. I love witnessing sex genuinely made, where the orgasms are explosive and real and hot as fuck. I loved hearing negotiation- "do you like having your pussy slapped?" "are you ready for another finger?" and it's just so sexy to witness.

Queer and feminist porn is as hot to watch being made as it is to watch at home- and that turns my heart, head, and cunt on.


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